awwww! bad news: i got written up and suspended for wearing my FBI uniform as a halloween costume. good news: i just got home and look what was waiting for me at my doorstoop: Jeff Noon’s latest! Nymphomation!

Thank you Matt and Emmannuelle! Who knew that my wishlist would actually be of use to people who wanted to get me birthday gifts.

Imagine if I got naked on my site what sort of gifts I’d get.

ok stop imagining.

thank you beloved friends. im sorry that le bomb squad is making you nervous. sometimes its fun for them to turn on their sirens and drive around fast. thats all. maybe they were practicing. it’s good to practice these things.

I’m listed on Business.com! I am somebody!

i dont know how i get myself in these situations, but instead of spending all hallows eve with all of my dear friends, i decided to go to a party where i knew only one person.

if you dont know me intimately, you have no idea how shy i truly am. so it was quite a stretch to subway and walk a half a mile to find myself in a room of strangers all wearing way better costumes than mine.

Are you really in the FBI a young woman asked.

Are you really a belly dancer, I asked her back.

not that anything in here is true, but all the girls in attendence in this really cool apartment were beautiful. the hostess looked better than i ever remembered. her sister was, of course, younger, and showing, of course, her belly, and her lower back and her cute tattoos peeked out and she gave me a tour of the apartment, including her two surfboards, and then introduced me to her friends. and then to her mother! her mother, of course, was a knockout as well.

they say that you should look at the mother to see how the daughter(s) will turn out. the daughters are going to be fine.

the daughters are fine.

the daughters were as breathtaking as the view. id never seen a view like this. normally you’d get a little view of the lights of hollywood if you were in the hollywood hills. these young ladies were in the foothills – but pushed far back enough that their view was that of the hills, and the buildings, and the foothills of hollywood.

normally, they explained to me, you could see the lit-up Hollywood sign, but due to recent paranoia they no longer light the sign at night. what hogwash, i protested.

the fellas at the party were not as annoying as i normally run into. some even held my attention for a full five minutes. the crowd was ridiculously diverse. we talked about how america shouldnt be afraid of anyone. we agreed that people cant fuck with us. we drank light beer and eventually discovered the gravity bong. a contraption that i had never experienced.

i took a cab home, tipped generously, and thanked my lucky stars for being a single man in southern california.

then, like an ass, i checked my messages as i put on my stocking cap, i heard several messages from my bosses boss asking me if it was true that i wore my FBI uniform in the public streets as a halloween costume and if i thought that was funny or some sort of joke. and that i was to see him first thing in the morning.

and then the phone rang.

it was two-thirty am. and it was not my boss’s boss. but a nice girl from vegas. and we fell asleep while on the phone.

again.

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