so of course she calls me up at four in the morning saying that she has made it to Kosovo to entertain the troops.”

“We’ve got troops in Kosovo?” I asked her.

She’s all, “yeah, and they’re cute!”

I go, “what do they look like?”

She said, “most of them are really well-groomed white guys but theres a few Black guys, but a lot of them look like theyre from Egypt.”

Mariah went on vacation to Egypt last summer and thinks that any Black guy with a thin moustache is Egyptian. So now i just consider it code.

She was going on about how the food was real good and it was warmer than she expected and I was sorta dozing back to sleep and then I said, “Hey Mariah are there any cars on the street?”

She said, “of course, why?”

I said, “what do the license plates say?”

She said, “Land of Lincoln.”

I go, “is it sunny out now or is it dark?”

She says, “it’s dark but it’s getting light.”

I said, Mariah, “you’re not in Kosovo with the troops. You’re at a bachelor party in Chicago!”

She dropped her cell phone and started yelling at people. Then people laughed. Then people got quiet. Then she got back on the phone.

“Please take care of me, baby.” Mariah said to me.

I said, “no can do, sweet cheeks, just keep pretending that you’re in Kosovo and ‘entertain’ people and everything will be ok. At least you’re loved.”

She asked, “why do people want to always make fun of me?”

I said, “because it’s easy and it’s fun. Just keep smiling. You look good, I’m sure. And if you wanna get back at them, just act out all the parts of Glitter, like you do for me.”

She ignored me, smartly, then sang in her little deep voice, “they gave me a camoflauge bra and garters.”

I said, “please shhhh. I’m trying to sleep over here.”

She said, “thanks for making the E! True Hollywood Story not so nasty.”

But I had already fallen asleep. While on the phone with Mariah.

Again.

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