who’s this?

it’s Tony Pierce!

yeah, who you?

busblog, tonypierce.com, dork of the world, leader of the losers, puke on the street, the oldest man in showbusiness, the 108 year old virgin.

is that why you talk about girls so much?

* sniff *

what do you want from me tonypiercebusblog?

i want to ask you how you feel about making the All Star team, some people say you don’t deserve to be there after you gave up two home runs in the World Series last year and how you’ve just blown two saves last week.

i have 20 saves bitch, how many you got?

easy tiger, i thought you japanese dudes were all polite and sweet.

im korean mothafuckyou, korean!

yeah, like Ichiro and Nomo, they’re really nice to me.

they’re japanese, im korean. my name is Kim. Korean! world cup! oh, forget it.

ok, you play for the defending world champion Arizona Diamondbacks, wheres the best place to get Korean food in Phoenix?

no korean food in phoenix.

theres got to be a Panda Express at the mall at least.

i can’t wait to meet you, mr. busblog, so i can slap you.

do you like American food?

yes, i love America and American food. my favorite is Taco Bell. i’ve traveled all around the world, ive never had anything like Taco Bell.

how did you learn how to pitch underhanded? isnt that illegal?

it isnt underhand, it’s side armed. i learned from watching Kent Tekulve on tv. the pirates in the ’80s. the we are family pirates with willie stargell.

is Randy Johnson the ugliest naked man in the locker room?

why you so crazy? screw loose. why you think youre funny?

answer the question.

no. Gonzo is the ugliest. he’s not really white, he’s not really brown, he sorta gray. pimples too. in the wrong places.

what was the last record you bought?

i dont buy, i download. i got the new Eminem cd, it’s ok.

you like rap?

hippa-hoppa, i like the hippa hoppa. its not rap.

riddle me this, my brotha, can you handle it?

Your style to my style you can’t hold a candle to it.

naked babe symmetry and the balance is right.

huffin’ and puffin’ on a tuesday night.

it’s not how you save the game, it’s how you blow it

I cheat and steal and sin and you know it.

For those about to rock we salute you

The dirty thoughts for dirty minds we contribute to

I once was lost but now i’m found

The music washes over and you’re one with the sound

Who shall inherit the earth?

the meek shall!

and yo, I think i’m starting to peak now, byung-hyun

that was tight, g.

only the best for you, all-star.

are we done here?

one more: matt mantei throws the ball 100 mph, he’s back now from arm surgery, are you worried about losing your job?

people dont come back from tommy john surgery and hit 100 mph, my job is mine to lose.

right on, bk.

later, dog

tony pierce!

derek, im a big fan, even though youre a new york yankee. a star from the most dispised team in baseball.

tony, let me say that i am a big fan of yours, even though you type in a geeky ass Blog.

touche, but what the hell do you know about Blogs?

i know enough to know that you’re not getting many Comments lately.

yeah, no shit, what the hell is up with that?

beats me, you are hitting all the major topics, sex, drugs, rock, and now a sweet little All Star Game preview.

i don’t know, maybe the kids are so blown away by the awesomeness that they dont even know what to say.

yeah, right. i think thats what happened to the goth girls. you know, now both of the sisters think you’re a creep.

ok, radiohead, now let’s talk baseball. you guys just stole Raul Mondesi for a minor league relief pitcher, how does Steinbrenner do it?

first of all, that guy was a young left handed flame thrower, he was only pitching relief so that the whole world wouldnt see his awesome stuff.

dude, you got Raul Mondesi, the Toy Cannon.

yeah, but he hasnt been hitting much lately.

oh, but you dont think he’ll be popping them over the short porch in right?

probably, but let’s talk about me.

ok, derek, you’re hitting over .300, 11 homers, 19 stolen bases, over 100 hits, just another super consistant season for you.

almost boring, huh?

28 and living the life. how many world series rings you got?

ive lost count.

how are the ladies treating you, DJ?

not as well as they’re treating you, i hear.

all rumor and gossip, my half black friend.

no way, i saw you walking around town with that cuban girl the other day.

yeah, but she doesnt wanna see me any more. she says i make her nervous.

what?

actually the list of things that she doesnt like about me are pretty long.

sounds like mariah.

oh thats right, you were dating my girl for a little bit.

tony, for a while there it was incredible. and the first night that we got together. shit. it was magic.

so what happened?

you know, sometimes when you give a girl everything she wants she can get a little freaked out.

were you willing to give her Everything?

i dont know, for mariah, i might have. we never made it that far though. she kicked me to the curb before i got to get my records back.

which records?

she still has my signed copy of “Kill ’em All” and my picture disc of the first Nerf Herder album.

that bitch!

yeah. i mean, no. i really liked that girl, she could have anything she wants from me. anything.

ok, later Derek Jeter, have fun winning the world series again.

ok, later tony, have fun ruling the world some more.

tony pierce!

sammy sosa, king of the world, blower of kisses to your momma, home run love god, all around cool dude, hero of the underdogs, and top vote getter for all the all-stars.

tony pierce!

sammy, i know your english isnt all that great but im so happy to be interviewing you for my web site.

como esta?

im doing awesome sammila, awesome. but sammy, nothing could top what you’ve been doing for the last few years. in ’98 you hit 66 homers and brought the Cubs to the playoffs, in ’99 you hit 63, in 2000 they walked you 91 times so you only hit 50, last year you hit 64 and so far this season youve hit 27. you’re on par to hit 60 again.

im da man.

hell yeah you are, bro. i mean, in the history of baseball, before you showed up, at least, only two guys ever hit over 60 homers, and now youre about to do it for the fourth time. they should put you in the Hall of Fame right now.

i’m already in the Hall.

well, your 66th home run ball is in there, but they should give you your plaque, retire your number, name a street after you. how do you do it sammy?

mind over matter, tony. but you know that.

sammy, are the cubs going to win the world series before i die?

you’re 108 years old, right?

yeah.

no, we wont win before you die.

sammy, is the tribune corp a good owner of the Cubs? are they good for baseball?

tony, i read your web pages every day. in fact i have learned many things from you, including many phrases and themes. and one thing that i have never seen you do is talk trash about your employer.

tribune company sucks that bad, huh?

they pay me $12 million this year, tony. they gave me a $6 million signing bonus last year. next year they pay me $13 million. every day they send someone to shake my hand when i come into the clubhouse to thank me for being here. ive been traded three times in the major leagues. nobody has treated me better than my current boss.

were you sad to see your pal Mark Grace not get re-signed by the Cubs after he spent 13 years with the club?

yes, very sad, mark was a staple in the city of chicago, and a super cool dude. it was sad to see him go, but i rooted for him during the world series and not only did he get his ring, but he helped that team big time win it. mark grace is a class act and when his time came, he showed up and delivered. i blow kiss to him. mwah!

sammy, whaddup with these bobbleheads?

at first i think they were funny. we no have bobble heads in dominica. so at first i laugh. but now it’s played out. im sick of it. everyone is getting a bobblehead day now. our equipment manager Yosh Kawano, i think he’s the only Cub that didnt get a bobblehead day. but thats the only one that i would keep forever. i fucking love yosh.

ok sammy, i gotta run. is there anything you want to say to the fans who might be reading this web page?

i love you, say your prayers, be excellent to each other, don’t have a cow, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.

anything else?

im super stoked for you that little green footballs linked your skinny ass.

amen to that sammy. i have always loved that site. oh wait, one more question: if this were “Survivor” and you could vote off one all-star who would it be?

Bonds cuz he’s a pussy ass punk.

sammy sosa!

i mean, nobody, i love you all, i love my momma, two kisses i blow to you. mwah mwah! one love. harry caray forever!

85. little green footballs