Tony,

Sorry to hear about your carpe diem. that sucks, it’s time to “hire” an intern. OK, so i wrote this for my own blog, but can put it on hold until i hear back from you for a bachelor party.

“Two words boys and Girls -Midget Stripper”

Do you know how hard it is to find a midget stripper? Let me tell – it’s harder than you think. Yeah we’ve all seen the movies and that MTV special about “little people” but how many midgets do you know personally? Now of those midgets how many do you think would be willing to take off their clothes for a bunch of guys at a bachelor party? Yeah – those odds are bad.

Even in a town like LA, you would think it would be easy, but apparently there is only one working midget in town (and she wasn’t calling us back). I scoured the Internet and found a guy who specializes in “dwarf talent” based out of Ohio, which is a little out of our way. I talked to a guy in NYC who told me that if I were to find one, it would cost a pretty penny.

A little more searching and I stumbled across a chick who posted a request on some midget porn message board searching for the same thing a couple of months ago. I emailed her and we talked. She told me the lengths she went through to line up a midget, but she was never able to hook one up. I’m not about to give up on this shit! This is one of the best bachelor party ideas I have ever had (you know because that’s my day job – bachelor party idea guy). That, and said bachelor is a little frightened, although intrigued, by midgets.

I dug out the phone book. You know those old yellow things people used before the Internet. I started calling all the escort and stripper services. None of them had a fuckin midget or knew of one for that matter. A couple of the “escort service people” (isn’t that the same thing as a pimp?) were helpful enough to point me to a couple of leads, but others acted like I had just insulted them. Give me a fuckin break – if I were looking for a full-grown stripper you wouldn’t be giving me attitude.

Finally I was put in touch with a casting agent that deals with “little people”. I told her what I was looking for and she said “she couldn’t help me”. I asked if I was talking to the right person, because I was told that person specialized in midgets. She said “I do – I have 30 little people that I work with, but none of them would be willing to do that kind of work.” Ok, lady I haven’t seen a casting call for a new Charlie and the fuckin Chocolate Factory movie- don’t you think you should run this by some of your “actors”. God knows there are enough out of work “actors” in this town who would probably be down to shed their clothes for a couple hund�. Another dead end.

Finally SHE called back. The one working midget stripper in LA. I talked to her she said she’d be willing to do it for $450. Jigga what!?

I asked her if I could pay by the pound? (Not a funny joke to little people) Fuck it, I figured we’d talk about price later. She sounded like she was “on the nod” and I was happy just to be in touch with an actual midget stripper (who’s also a porn “star”).

So after a little wheeling and dealing we worked out a deal for her and her full-sized stripper friend to come to our little soir�e. Every time I have talked to her it sounds like she is on smack, so I’m hoping she shows. I guess for the kind of money we’re shellin out, she’ll be there with bells on.

Tune-in on Monday for a full midget update. Same bat station, same bat channel.

I may even have a pic or two.

Nunya D. Bizness

http://mrknowitall.blogspot.com

loving: that ashley is here. and she will be guest editing for the rest of the week including “sexy saturday” where this blog will feature sexiness too hot for the working week and promptly take it down before sundown on sunday. whats that ashley? oh, lets just let her speak for herself.

hey everybody! If you’re anything like me, you get frusterated with Tony’s “lies”, “fantasies”, + “make believe stories”. Wanna know what’s really up? Email me by clicking my picture with any questions you have [about me, Tony, Drew, The Brady Bunch, No Doubt, Buffy, Incubus, Matthew Lillard, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Las Vegas, whatever] + I guarantee you 100% honest answers. Be sure to let me know if you want your name signed after your question! Daisy Kisses, ASH*

thank you good people for your nice comments and emails. i even got a basket of fruit at my desk today from the interns in the mail room.

so many emails, so many questions, which i will answer here.

why so much nudity on your site?

to piss you off.

did the doctor give you any drugs for your carpal tunnel?

just aspirin and some pills so that the aspirin wont hurt my tummy. but if you snort em and chase em with beers you see stars for a few seconds.

did you get any while you were out?

no, and im disappointed. everyone knows that flowers cheers up the soul.

how much of your blog is real?

all of it.

did you really meet meesh? she didn’t mention meeting you.

no, i made that up. shes far too cool to hang out with me.

was there really a big glass table of coke and meesh kissing two girls while you watched? why didn’t you join in?

yes there was, yes they were. i didn’t join in because i wasn’t invited. plus i think they did it so that i would watch.

what’s millie jackson like?

shes like, as simone said, lil kim if she was a better singer from the ’70s. i Highly recommend it. especially as the night is speeding past you and the hot babes are making awesome conversations.

do you eat cereal? if so which ones?

i like the specialty cereals. like the Simpson’s cereals. like Homer’s Donuts… im also eating the Star Wars cereal and the new Cap’n Crunch chocolate weirdo cereal. i love them all.

when will baseball go on strike?

they will go on strike 9/15 which is ok for fantasy baseball. but lousy for real baseball. it sucks. i hope they all had stock in WorldCom, i hope they all slip in the shower. i hope they all get carpal tunnel. i hope they get dissed by hot girls in jean skirts who slam the back door after telling them to fuck off. i hope they get the runs and have no tp.

did you see moxie‘s nudie picture?

yes. i think she looked hot. i cant wait for the next one.

what new cds came out yesterday so that i can buy them from you and stoke you?

nothing really good came out unless you love Boyz II Men. maybe you should just paypal me $20 if you feel like going nuts.

happy birthday

to you

happy birthday

dear j.lo

happy birthday

to you.

hi everyone. im back. my thanks to all the guest bloggers. finally went to the doctor yesterday about my carpal tunnel.

mr. pierce.

mr. doctor.

what seems to be the problem?

i think i have carpal tunnel.

where does it hurt?

my fingers are tingly, my arms are numb. like they’re asleep. the bones feel like they have arthritis. i want to crack my knuckles. electric zaps go through my arms like in Tron.

does it hurt when you do this?

yes, but i don’t do that.

when did these pains start?

about 2-3 weeks ago.

did you experience a lot of stress 2-3 weeks ago?

some.

is that when you changed the masthead of your blog to those scary crows from that van gogh painting?

you read my blog?

you’re the best blog around.

wow.

tony, the body and the mind are linked. the one influences the other. what you have is not carpal tunnel it’s what i like to call “tired hands” you write and type but you’re not saying anything. you’re a writer and a good one, so your anxiety will either manifest through writer’s block or “tired hands.”

but i don’t have writer’s block.

that’s why you have tired hands.

so do i need a few days off? maybe hit the beach?

no. you need to look at what areas of your life are causing you stress and you need to get rid of it. let me take your blood pressure.

but i don’t really have much stress.

sure you do, get rid of it. your blood pressure though is amazing. you may be the most mellow person ive ever met.

i told you.

do you take alcohol?

a have some rum when i write.

drugs?

never.

keep drinking, and you might want to take a toke of the wacky tobaccy once a day before dinner.

can you prescribe that?

no, that proposition got over turned.

why do we even vote any more if they’re just going to overturn what we vote?

no more stress, tony. practice.

ok. sorry.

you might even start doing some yoga.

yoga’s for girls.

women live longer than men.

no, they are old for longer. if a man dies at 75 and a woman dies at 85, those 10 years are not the ones i will be envious of. 10 years of pissing in a diaper? no thanks.

still, yoga will help you.

why are you squeezing my boobs?

men get breast cancer, im checking. relax.

well you’re the most interesting hand doctor ive ever met.

and im serious, i want you to relax. quit chasing the girls so much. find sweet ones who wont fight with you, who’ll be nice. think about air sign girls.

when can i write again?

does writing stress you out?

no, i laugh like crazy when i write. it’s insane. i also sweat.

i want you to write as soon as you get home. write all the time. but don’t just sit there at the computer. write and laugh. laughter’s the best medicine. write about anna more often. then get up and walk around. you may even want to walk outside.

so smoke pot, drink, do yoga, and write.

do you watch porn?

not really.

watch porn three times a week. make yourself happy. work at it.

this is crazy, i must be losing my mind.

no, you’re losing your anxiety. life is meant to be a happy waltz. not a slam dance. when was the last time you had great sex?

not long ago.

what made it great?

it was wild, perfect, it lasted a long time. we were on the same page. it was wonderful.

was it loving?

not really.

make love next time.

yikes.

don’t be afraid to. be willing to. you’re a double libra on the scorpio cusp. you’re full of love. love. you’re a terrible fighter.

love?

love.

wow.

now put on this wrist brace so you wont forget our talk.

loving: that welch is back

filling in for the debilitated Tony Pierce.

There is a big controversy concerning cam girls who only show their cams to a select few.

Actually, I�m just ticked that no one will show me her cam; there really is no controversy. In my search for the best cam girl story in the world of cam girl stories, I decided to visit the trailer park of the cam girl world: Yahoo Chat, West Virginia.

Trailer park cam girls, just like their counterparts in the real world, are not afraid to be exhibitionists. Muumuus, tube tops, and 1980s hairstyles top the list of fashion statements made by these trailblazers. But none of us, not even Tony Pierce, can understand the minds of these high-tech rednecks.

To let us into the secrets of a trailer trash cam girl, we talked to Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf, 22, of Upper Arlington, Ohio.

Woohaa2k1: Hi, I’m a reporter with tonypierce.com, can I ask a couple of questions

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: what?

Woohaa2k1: I’m doing a special report on cam girls; do you consider yourself one?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: no not really, y

Woohaa2k1: well, because the little icon next to your name shows a TV

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: ok so it does

Woohaa2k1: so you’re an amateur cam girl

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: whatever you wanna call it. What do you want to know?

Woohaa2k1: well, first: do you get any enjoyment from giving away your right to privacy?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: I am an exhibitionist. If I wanted privacy id click ignore.

Woohaa2k1: well, that’s good. How do you pick who gets to see the good stuff? Is it an eeny-meeny-miny-moe sort of thing?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: nope. I have friends that I talk to all the time. They get the good stuff, no one else. If I don�t want someone watchin my cam. I kick ’em out

Woohaa2k1: Well, where’s the exhibition if only your friends get to see, they already know you?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: I get new friends all the time. I have hundreds of thousands of friends, people I talk to if you will.

Woohaa2k1: How doe one get so many admirers?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: well. You gotta look good. for one. and I aint a dog and you gotta play well with others… and I’m bi. so that covers that and you have to be friendly

Woohaa2k1: gee, sounds like you’ve got all bases covered and you hit a homerun

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: naaa. Sometimes I mess up and get a really bad looser in there. I weed out the ones I don�t want watchin me

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: u like me don�t ya.

Woohaa2k1: At this point in my single life I like anyone, so let’s not drag me into this. I’m just an objective reporter.

Woohaa2k1: do you get a power rush from being able to choose who watches and who doesn’t?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: I�m a dominatrix by nature. Got a big show tonight, so I got to go get some rest.

Woohaa2k1: show? what do you do?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: gonna get my pussy ate by my b/f on cam. Just joking

Woohaa2k1: good, because this is a family website I’m writing for (not really)

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: lmao

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: I was joking when I said that bout my b/f

Woohaa2k1: I know, I can read. I didn�t become a writer by pointing at pictures; I�m not dense.

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: For the most part I sit here and make faces at the cam and suck on suckers. ya know.

Woohaa2k1: I understand, I like suckers as much as the next person

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: hehehe

Woohaa2k1: have you discovered how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: well the owl says three. but I beg to differ. It took me 568 licks without biting. lmao

Woohaa2k1: That’s why most owls are endangered species; they�re stupid

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: and they bite. lol

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: I don�t bite I nibble. hehehehe

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: I gotta go hon.. I work at night. gotta rest now

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: bi bi

Woohaa2k1: I get it

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: do you

Woohaa2k1: yes you bisexual

Supa_sexy_bi_22_swf: bi bi now cya later

Woohaa2k1: bye

Armed with this type of information, even the fattest, horniest, bald-headed, nacho-eating 45-year-old can get his lustful passions fuel by a fine and foxy trailer trash cam girl. This is tonypierce.com guest correspondent Steven A. Adams saying good masturbating.

Steven Adams is a sports writer and columnist for the Parkersburg News and Sentinel, whose blog can be found at http://theunsilentmajority.tripod.com.