sorta sucks but what can i do?

today he said, dude, did you see bro steppin to your girl like you aint even standing there?

english, sonny, speak english to me.

meesh has it on her site, nunya business has it on his site…

meesh isn’t my girl!

she should be.

she lives all the way up in oxnard!

an hour. fuck, for that shit, i’d walk.

no offense sonny, but if you did walk from here to oxnard you’d walk past about 5,000 other hot chicks who wouldn’t have you either.

maybe not me, but she’d have you.

impossible.

omg, tony, look what is posted on her site right now. it’s you spewing the most unbelievable stupid shit and her eating it up. its nearly disgusting.

not as disgusting as moxie and jim treacher.

don’t change the subject.

this is a stupid subject.

what on earth has invaded my best friend tony pierce?

go home.

because whatever is in the skin of my buddy just said that talking about hot chicks is a stupid subject.

go get some beers or something, order a pizza.

don’t you like asian chicks any more?

shut up.

don’t you like tall girls with long hair any more?

say one more thing, sonny and im going to smack you.

got something against marketing directors at a computer company?

come here so i can smack you.

and shes a libra! your gay ass air sign requirement is filled.

stand still, im going to throw this shot glass at your eye.

some guy is going to pop in simply red and swoop on the hottest chick you ever met and you’re not going to do shit. i cant believe this.

shes in the top three. i never said number one.

you used to be my hero, tony pierce.

i wish you had told me back then, i woulda kicked your ass.

if its the turtleneck thing. i will buy you a fucking turtleneck if that’s what’s holding you back.

great, now all i need is a mercedes sedan.

moxie will loan you her porsche.

think so?

no. but maybe people will start flowing you bucks for your snoop de ville.

kevin holtsberry has flowed me a buck for three days straight.

that say im no good and i shouldn’t be trusted.

i love it because then i know that im not the dumbest person alive. they are.

how on earth are you going to give advice on a relationship about two people you’ve never even met?

and why would you?

what if me and ashley would have ended up being super close friends for the rest of our lives, but both decided not to because some loser housewife in the woods somewhere didnt “get” who im all about and told ashley to “be careful” and she took that as to “not trust” and the entire relationship stumbles and falls?

ive been hanging out with me for 108 years, lady, and i don’t get me either, but i do know the numbers and the numbers say that if you are in a romantic relationship with me for even six months you have a 95% chance of being my very good friend for ever.

theres a lot that i “don’t get” in life.

i don’t get why half of these girls like me, but they do. i don’t get why theres nobody like me, but there isn’t. i don’t get why people write and write and nothing good ever comes out of them, i don’t get why pot’s not legal, i don’t get why drinking is, i don’t get why kroq finds it necessary to shove good music so far up our ass that its not good anymore.

on paper, a guy with a loser job, no money, no car, no future, and no aspirations other than running a major league baseball team should be getting absolutely no play from the ladies.

and on paper, ma’am, im sure that your laundry list is even worse.

which is why, thankfully, life isnt played out theoretically in the mind of the creator, it’s improvised on this great stage. where even an old loser like me and and older loser like you can actually have interesting people hop on top of us and wake the neighbors.

so step off.

i don’t understand a lot, lady, but i don’t go to the person who’s squeezing your ass and whisper in his ear, “be careful with that one,” because it would be worthless. that guy knows whose ass he’s squeezing, and ashley of all people on this planet right now, knows about as much about modern day tony pierce dot com than anyone and she may come across as fairy princess with her blonde locks in the clouds but thats just her little game. nobody’s putting anything over our daisy princess, especially me, the one who has tried to kick her out of this relationship a zillion times.

do i date girls? yes.

am i honest about everything i do?

no.

am i honest about everything i do when i talk to ashley?

definitely.

i can look you in the eye and have you ask me any question there is. you can smell my fingers or dna my bedsheets. i trust you, whoever you are, that you have ten times the skeletons in your closet than i ever will have because the only closets i have hold my computer or my clothes and i expose myself in both of them because secrets are for cowards whose motto is “be careful in love.”

the only thing ashley needs to be careful about is limiting her possibilities. if she wants to come up to hollywood and catch a movie and hold hands and goof off and see the stars, i am totally up for that. if she is doing it to avoid the scary world of dating pimply faced co-eds of UC Irvine who think Korn is the next Zeppelin, then i cant blame her.

but at some point she is going to stop showering me with her glittery attention and that day will come soon enough, concerned one(s), and it will be me who is the loser in that transaction.

and then, hopefully, everything, will once again make perfect sense

to all of us.

now fuck off and don’t ever waste another thought about what ashley and i should be doing. odds are you have your own miserably pathetic household to ruin.

check out: ashley’s auctions

just like his tshirt says.

the inventor of the modern hootennany, one of the top three lead guitarists in all of los angeles, and a distinguished gentleman, greg directed me in my film debut, convinced me to join him in my first real band, and takes better pictures of me than anyone.

anyone other than ashley.

just look at how he shows off in his latest portrait by giving a tip o’ the hat to one of my favorite artists by including a mirror in the upper left perfectly framed so that it shows a different perspective.

subtlety, my friends, is the calling card of genius.

everything that ive been able to do well on this blog ive stolen from greg. all the people who think im the man cuz i interview myself? greg was the first one to do it flawlessly. plus he’s way better at fake names.

while he patiently expects his first born, he has sealed a deal to show his latest collection of paintings here in Los Angeles.

August 31 is the opening reception and you can expect a great turn out of local musicians, artists, and beautiful people of all kinds.

i cant hardly wait.

20: ashley is 20 and gives 20 reasons why she lusts me.

hey, m’here

xxsosaxx: good

xxsosaxx: how was your dinner?

meesh: mmmm, so good, Hot and Sour soup

xxsosaxx: make it yourself?

meesh: yeah

meesh: it’s pretty easy

meesh: what did you have?

xxsosaxx: i make chicken breasts, baked potato and peas

meesh: so all american!

xxsosaxx: if i knew how to cook anything else i would

meesh: I’d love to cook for ya sometime

xxsosaxx: whats your specialty?

meesh: some guy from the personals is trying to chat me up right now

meesh: I have my own specialty I guess, it’s fusion

meesh: Asian Spanish Middle Eastern

meesh: California

meesh: alot of fresh herbs and vegetables

xxsosaxx: whats the best way for a guy from the personals to chat you up?

meesh: have a freaking profile

meesh: I’m like, :Do you talk to strangers on the street

meesh: with bags on their heads?

meesh: me, neither

xxsosaxx: good point

meesh: do you?

xxsosaxx: i think guys just feel like theres not much special about them that you could put on a profile

meesh: chat up girls in the personals

xxsosaxx: no, i havent had the pleasure of doing that yet

meesh: there is someone for everyone

meesh: noone is as cool as they think

meesh: or as they are on paper

meesh: except you maybe

xxsosaxx: flattery will get you everywhere

meesh: so it seems

xxsosaxx: i went on a date with the biggest tallest girl in hs cuz she called me cutie all the time

meesh: oooh, call me Sweetheart, and I melt

meesh: it is weird!

meesh: or , baby

xxsosaxx: baby is doable

xxsosaxx: sweetheart would seem too much like humphry bogart

meesh: yeah, well there was this one guy, who said it

meesh: the first guy to ever say it

xxsosaxx: did he say it slowly and ironically or smoothly?

meesh: smooth

meesh: mmmmmm

meesh: usually with the puppy dog eyes

meesh: and an I’m Sorry

xxsosaxx: how tall are you meesh?

meesh: 5′ 10″ I think

meesh: last time I checked

meesh: hopefully I am not shrinking

meesh: taller in the winter

meesh: you?

xxsosaxx: the same

meesh: yeah?

xxsosaxx: im telling you, we are strange mirror images

xxsosaxx: except my side is cracked

meesh: your side?

meesh: I am kind of milk chocolately

xxsosaxx: youre the gorgeous graceful wonderful side

meesh: I am a Libra, I am always both sides

meesh: you should know that

meesh: it is a constant struggle

xxsosaxx: what sides are you struggling between recently?

meesh: I try realllly HARD

meesh: i GUESS i WOULDN’T SAY STRUGGLE, i LIKE EXPERIENCING THE EXTREMES IN FEELINGS

meesh: oops caps

meesh: It makes you feel more alive

meesh: from great sadness comes great joy

meesh: I am glad to just be feeling at all

xxsosaxx: cut off your feelings, did you?

meesh: do I?

meesh: do you?

xxsosaxx: you say that youre glad to be feeling

xxsosaxx: yes

meesh: are we in therapy?

meesh: :))

meesh: I would say

xxsosaxx: im not in therapy but tons of people i know are

meesh: no I mean you and I now?

xxsosaxx: oh

xxsosaxx: na

meesh: we are our own support group!

xxsosaxx: oh, ok then

xxsosaxx: but libras are bad at being shoulders to cry on

meesh: No, ok, I will say that I prefer to be in charge of how I feel, and act, and what I do, and that is not always possible in a relationship, inevidibly, you have to give up control

meesh: capiche?

meesh: you think?

xxsosaxx: i wrote a poem where i said, the only way to fall in love is to fall

meesh: So many times, I was not in control of what was happening to me,

meesh: you know, it is good to feel stable

meesh: relationships are turmoil

meesh: hopefully not everyones

xxsosaxx: have you ever been in a smooth one?

meesh: yeah, a little over a year ago

meesh: it was surprisingly smooth

meesh: that is why it was sooo fucking hard when it just evaporated in front of me!

meesh: nothing is certain

meesh: is it?

xxsosaxx: death

meesh: taxes

xxsosaxx: pee

meesh: speaking of..

meesh: want an Amstel

meesh: ??

xxsosaxx: sure

meesh: mmm, Smallville is on

meesh: notice how I am always like mmmmmmmmm…?

meesh: I am a sigher

xxsosaxx: thats nice

xxsosaxx: its sweet

meesh: when I eat, too man

meesh: my ex could not stand it

meesh: he is crazy though

chat with someone: and email it to me

Of all the celebrities and groups pushing an environmental agenda, there has been one group totally left out of the debate: the Druids.

True, they were stupid enough to build Stonehenge to tell time when all they had to do was send someone to Switzerland to buy a watch, but I think it�s unfair to hold this against them. They have been charged by Mother Earth, who is one bad mother shut-your-mouth, with defense of the Earth. I decided to ask a Druid priestess about environmental issues. However, all I could get was a Druid priestess in training.

woohaa2k1: Hey, can I ask a couple of questions

druidess_in_training: ummmm…i guess

woohaa2k1: good. My name is Steven Adams; I’m a columnist

druidess_in_training: ok…hi

woohaa2k1: lol, hi

woohaa2k1: so before I start, what are you: a witch or Druid?

druidess_in_training: druid

woohaa2k1: ok, I gathered so from the name, but people use the name superstud18 when they are fat and 40, so I have to be careful

druidess_in_training: lol..understandable

woohaa2k1: How long have you been involved with being a Druidess?

druidess_in_training: 11 years

woohaa2k1: awesome, so why did you go down this route?

druidess_in_training: because it made sense to me…wicca didn’t make much sense

woohaa2k1: Yeah, those Wiccans are a little nuts.

druidess_in_training: a little nuts?!

woohaa2k1: so what do you do for a living?

druidess_in_training: i’m a home mom….basically the goddess of the abode

woohaa2k1: well, I think we all like goddesses

druidess_in_training: lol

woohaa2k1: so what do you have to do or read to be a Druid?

druidess_in_training: study study study…meditate meditate meditate….work work work…and then study some more..lol

druidess_in_training: not the easiest path I assure you

woohaa2k1: so what is the result, what does being a druid mean? What does one do as a Druid?

druidess_in_training: druids protect and study Mother Earth…we are seen as the guardians, the song singers, the keepers of tales, the bookkeepers, among other things

woohaa2k1: so you probably do a lot of environmental activism

druidess_in_training: i would if i had the money…lol

druidess_in_training: i did chain myself to the tree outside my door when the city tried to come and hack it down though

woohaa2k1: amen, log all you want out in the forest but leave me oak alone.

druidess_in_training: well..the tree in front of my apt. isn’t an oak…but it’s still pretty and it likes me

woohaa2k1: well, mine is oak and I will sic Capt. Planet and the Planeteers on anyone who tries to take it

druidess_in_training: don’t blame you

woohaa2k1: so�you for the Kyoto Protocol?

druidess_in_training: Kyoto protocol? sorry..don’t watch TV much. What is this kyoto protocol thingy?

woohaa2k1: Ohh, it’s a U.N. resolution limiting green house emissions. It limits the United States while the third world countries continue to pollute.

druidess_in_training: hmmmm..that doesn’t make sense…if one nation should be forbidden to pollute everyone should

druidess_in_training: course i don’t like the pollution anyways

woohaa2k1: well, the theory is the U.S. is the biggest polluter

woohaa2k1: which isn’t true, but still

druidess_in_training: so….if the us stops polluting…then everyone else will be the biggest polluters…so they all should stop

woohaa2k1: well, the U.S. is the cleanest country

woohaa2k1: we are careful with our pollution

druidess_in_training: true…but in my opinion there shouldn’t be any pollution

woohaa2k1: well, there is no way around it. Besides, volcanoes pollute more than any factory can

druidess_in_training: this is also true…but that is Mother’s work…she would only do that if it needed to be done

druidess_in_training: to create a change

woohaa2k1: very true, but I believe our mother knows how to take care of herself

woohaa2k1: like the hole in the o-zone

woohaa2k1: the hole isn’t there

druidess_in_training: this is also true…she heals herself…when we let her

woohaa2k1: I think she heals herself no matter what

druidess_in_training: yes…but she would heal herself faster if we just let her do her work…of course that is why people like me are around…lol

woohaa2k1: very true

woohaa2k1: good luck, may mother Earth bless your garden.

druidess_in_training: awwwww ty so much

woohaa2k1: thanks for your time

druidess_in_training: anytime dear

I am Steven Adams saying the power is yours.

loving: dawn interviewing maddie