hi tony, you big jerk.

do you love me anna?

no, not tonight i dont.

do you love enrique tonight?

yes, he’s my sweetie.

i thought i was your sweetie!

no youre my furry bear.

anna, what are you and martina doing losing to a spaniard and an argentinian in doubles at the us open?

those girls are good!

not really, blondie.

what are you doing losing your first softball game, tony?

i played like shit.

thats what i heard too.

i flew out with the bases loaded.

trying to hit a glam slam?

it’s grand slam, and yes, thats what i was trying to do.

trying to impress carlisa?

nothing i did today impressed carlisa, who played excellently tonight.

i hear you and ashley are back together?

i wouldnt go that far, we’re just agreeing to try to work things out.

do you want her as your girlfriend?

no.

so whats to work out?

i dont want you as my girlfriend either, but we still have things to work out, anna.

like what?

like how you keep flaunting this sick lust affair you have with enrique.

oh tony, quit being jealous. he and i are just friends.

i saw your little lap dance.

it was trick photography.

you never lap danced for me.

not true.

come back to me, anna.

no.

for old times sake.

nyet.

just for about twenty minutes.

ew. no!

marry me.

i hafta go to bed now.

but its so early.

i didnt say i had to go to sleep.

youre killing me, anna.

im sure you’ll forget all about this tomorrow night when your girl returns.

you know youre the only girl for me.

ha!

i swear.

your nose is growing.

ok, go attack that overpaid taquito.

i’ll call you soon.

bye anna spazamma.

bye tony balongna.

“undisputed.”

since i know that a lot of hollywood producers and writers and actors read my blog i have some tips for you all.

first, quit making boxing movies.

pro boxing is barely interesting as it is and you have very little chance now, post-Rocky III to make a decent movie about this “sport”.

in order to try to make things slightly different, “undisputed” tries to make it about boxing in prison with a mike tyson-ish pro boxer serving some time (played decently by Ving Rhemes) in a state prison who challenges long time convict (snipes) who has been in the pokey ten years and hasn’t lost a fight… yet.

now the only way that you can write this decently is to have both fighters respect each other, a little. Ving’s character is undefeated outside of the jail, Snipes is undefeated inside. they should respect each other. then they should hate each other for some reason. Snipes because Ving is the man he could have been if he hadn’t done whatever fucked up shit he did, and Ving should hate Snipes because … oh, i don’t know, lets say because he is a far more spiritual and centered individual despite the fact that he has a

ball and chain around his leg. but what would be better is, if Snipes wasn’t played by Snipes at all, but by a white guy. let Ving hate him because he’s strong, proud, formerly rich, and white. white white too, like Ed Norton.

undisputed doesn’t have any of this tension cuz it sucks shit.

then what you have to do is make them learn something from each other. the Snipes character can learn that he is, lets say, a teacher that he never thought he could ever be. he can teach the Ving character that life ain’t solely about the bitches and money, but finer things like inner peace and being a good man. he can also teach him some sweet jailhouse jackmoves that Ving can use when he tries to regain his title once his time has been served.

Ving can teach Wesley about celebrity being a prison. about how a black man isn’t respected any more outside the prison than inside. in many ways Snipes is more respected inside the jail than the Tyson-type is treated outside the jail.

and then of course you need to have them brawl and kill each other.

as in dead.

as in fucking romeo and juliet i cannot believe they both broke each others necks in the double psyche-out battle that ends in a double brain damage blood spurting oh my god oh my god someone get a doctor, Ed Lover made a great play by play guy in “undisputed” and his comedic sensibilities would have contrasted perfectly with how he could have narrated the mayhem when

these two fine athletes and men ended up doing to each other what the brutal sport does to all participants: destroys them, spits them out, and cleans the canvas for the next two suckers.

instead “undisputed” gives us flat characters, absolutely no blood, no sex, and very little violence.

big fat rotten terrible fakeout movie directed by someone who has made some damn fine movies in the past but here phones in his little film and sends the crowd home unsatisfied and wanting to break some asshole’s nose.

i am either several miles under the city, flying high again like randy rhodes above this fair metropolis, or out on the sea like mariah carey in that one video.

all i know is im bummed that i cant really write you very much today, just know that i’m not like those other bloggers who will leave you hanging day after day week after week.

watched american idol last night, so happy i didn’t bum rush the kodak theatre. did that show peak too early or what? sucked. i hope they both lose.

reminded me of this time that i stole $5 from my moms purse as she was gardening so i could run back to the arcade to satisfy my Space Invaders habit.

back then Space Invaders was the shit. the only thing. we were marveled by it. in a trance because of it. we tried to calculate how much money it was making for the arcade and therefore how much we would have to pool together so as to purchase one and put it in our basement and charge the children.

after i gorged i felt terrible and i asked my mom if there was something i could do to help her garden.

whatever she said i didn’t do, i just felt bad. too bad to help. sick of space invaders, sick of being a kid, sick of the summer, sick of being me.

one thing i love about being this deep undercover is i am not me right now.

im super dooper agent 8121.

im a specialist. i deal with sound waves as weapons. first i hit them with the low tones. so low they cant hear them, only feel them. after a while it rings totally wrong with the inner ear and makes the sickly puke.

then right before we go in i blast the high tones. they cant stand it and they go for the exits and open the doors and hi, we’re right there waiting for them.

fuckbrains.

problem is these characters are spread out and they keep moving and our inside men aren’t communicating with us and its making us nervous. either they’re dead, or tied up or switched sides is what most people think. i just think they cant reach us. i always think positively.

and right now i positively have to pee.

i love you all.

agent la vista signing off.

peeeeeeoooooooop.