1. snag me something off my wishlist, which someone did today in honor of my upcoming 109th birthday. Thank you mysterious amazon-er! today’s gift is the incredible Quick Chop! i’m learning to cook for myself but i am deathly afraid of slicing my fingers off over a handfull of carrots: now with the Quick Chop I can slice and dice with my eyes closed. GRACIAS!

2. turn the world on with your smile. and if that doesnt work, write about how to properly give yourself a brazilian bikini shave. people often ask me if i ever get lonely being a bachelor. usually i think to myself that there could be no better time to be a young-ish man, what with girls with tounge-piercings, waxings, thongs, lowrider jeans, belly shirts, trendy bi-sexuality experimentations, ecstasy parties and the sorority house down the street. and now with the internet, if you cant get enough of those things on your block, you can just click a few times on the web and find those babes online.

3. be a public servant like Santa Cruz , CA, Mayor Christopher Krohn, who handed out medical marijuana yesterday on the city hall steps in defiance to the feds who bumrushed a co-op that was growing the natty weed in order to sell it to locals who were suffering through little things like cancer, AIDS, and other terminal illnesses. why he’s not higher than #3 on this list is because he wore a suit yesterday in this picture, probably to look more mayoral. nice try, but it didnt work. better luck next time, amigo. but you are definately in the running for tonypierce.com man of the year, which was awarded last year to pop singer phil collins.

4. thank me on your sweet page next to a perky blonde and call me the inspiration for your art? wow.

5. or you can just thank me for putting up a nice picture of francis bean, a young girl who will either be the most fucked up child of all time, or the coolest most amazing person ever. my money is with the latter, which makes me an optimist. whichever, i would bet loads that she will definately not be boring.

now go fly into the night sky, little jelly beans, and do things that will metaphysically inspire our girl kate to update her bloggy blog blog, cuz its really hard to go many days without it.

week of September 19, 2002

by Rob Brezney

“The Universe is Made of Stories”

The poet Muriel Rukeyser said the universe is not composed of atoms, but of stories. The physicist Werner Heisenberg declared that the universe is made of music, not matter. And I believe that if you habitually expose yourself to inferior music and stories — even unwittingly — you could wind up living in the wrong universe. I bring this up now because it’s never been more important for you to nourish yourself with righteous tales and tunes.

i read the above, my astrology, in the LA Weekly, which serves its purpose in this town: Lynda Barry comic, Matt Groening comic, coupons for cheap lap dances, rock listings, etc. and i ordered my food at koo koo roo and went into the bathroom to wash my hands and i heard the following song and i, once again, was shocked at the accuracy of Mr. Brezney’s creepy ass insight.

Kelly Clarkson

“A Moment Like This”

What if i told you it was all meant to be?

Would you believe me? Would you agree?

Its almost that feeling that we’ve met before

so tell me that you dont think im crazy

when i tell you love has come here and now

a moment like this

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

some people search forever for that one special kiss

oh i cant believe its happeneing to me

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

Everything changes but beauty remains

something so tender i cant explain

i may be dreaming but until i awake cant we make this dream last forever?

and ill cherish all the love we share

a moment like this

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

some people search forever for that one special kiss

oh i cant believe its happeneing to me

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

could this be the greatest love of all?

i wanna know that you will catch me when i fall

so let me tell you this…

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this..

a moment like this

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

some people search forever for that one special kiss

oh i cant believe its happeneing to me

some people wait a lifetime for a moment, a moment like this…

oh i cant believe its happening to me..

some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this…

call me a genius.

call me the Absolute King Of Bloggers.

keep me linked on the snoop doggy blog.

link me at the top of your link list.

call me your hero.

take a cool picture of the lake behind your house and then write me a sweet email.

write a long long long piece about several young people talking about sex.

or you can just tell the world that im amazing in the sack.

p.s. or be my canadian girlfriend

shes a good friend.

the korean laundry man speaks very little english and left me a telephone message that i swear to you only said, “you washie, uhhh mmmm, you pickie up.”

how cant you smile when you get three such messages like that?

but karisa says that i need a break, a much deserved vacation, that you, faithful readers, have flowed my way. next week i will be in the tropical dutch island of aruba. my original plan was to write this blog from the sandy beaches but karisa sez that my art needs to rest. that too much has gone on since my last vacation, and i should just chill till the next episode. and after my last post slamming a site that i don’t even know, i am starting to believe her.

ashley is a great quasi-girlfriend. she would make a perfect regular girlfriend if i was only 100 years younger, but for the most part we are really spectacular together in all things lovey-doveyish.

chris is a perfect ex-girlfriend. we still hold hands and call each other several times a week, and email each other and confide in one another, and are best friends forever.

but karisa is my motivator and best advice giver. i dont know how this happened, but it did happen and its good. rarely does she tell me what to do, but when she does i think about it and disagree and then usually warm up to the idea and when i follow through with it, alls good.

so last night when i told her my plan of updating from the beach she scowled and said rest your sweet hands. enjoy the beach. pick up on the bikini girls. if you must write, write long hand. she said, “you have blogger pro, figure out how it can update your site automatically using the best stuff from your archives. i’ll even help you if you want.”

karisa is secretly a computer genius, though she’ll be the first to deny it.

so i do apologize to all of the kids on metafilter, and technoerotica, my future employer the la times, and whoever else i have flamed in one way or another or given a dirty look to.

monday was the jewish day of atonement and next week will be mine.

i will plunge into the healing waters of the carribian and enjoy the company of my family and hope that my old college pals don’t wreck my hollywood mansion.

i am so grateful to all of you who flowed the busblog the $700 that got me in the friendly skies, and im super grateful to my brother-in-law who got me first class upgrades. im not grateful to best buy who has not returned my digital camera yet, but maybe that means i should take a complete break from that too.

for some people like me, its hard to fully let go and fully relax and fully just zone out for a few days. maybe its cuz i think that i relax and zone out daily.

but fighting crime on the mean streets of LA will twist your perception, and im open to believing that things might not be as they seem.

similarly, karisa, a speed reader bookworm, has fully become a one-woman promotion machine for the well-reviewed novel “white oleander“. she says don’t let the Oprah Book Club seal get in your way, that its the best book shes read all year. she says i should take that on the plane with me and read it on the beach and drink tropical drinks and bond with my two month old niece.

hopefully i will listen to my good pals advice.

although there are a handful of sparkling exceptions, typically the rule holds true that if you have a beautifully designed blog that’s (c) copyrighted, theres usually nothing at all to steal.

technoerotica.net is gorgeous, but perhaps should stick to speculating about james brown’s testicles, bitching about people who use cell phones while they drive, and providing handy links to coffee enemas, and leave serious issues like what the LA Times covers in their California Living section to me and my buddy welch.

insinuating that our gripes were largely narcissistic, technoerotica is conducting a cute little poll asking its readers if matt and i would have changed our tune if we had been mentioned in last week’s times feature on blogs.

truth is, as anyone who had bothered to read our posts would have surmised, we would have been happier if ANY los angeles blogger would have been mentioned, or interviewed, or photographed, or consulted.

apologists to the embarrassing article claim that the times approached academics purposely, arguing that there would have been greater benefit to interviewing the professors and former journalists than the actual bloggers who are actually living the trend.

may i respectfully type: poppycock.

in the wake of 9/11, real journalists were interviewing Taliban spokespeople. would the times instead choose to talk to a poli-sci prof at usc than a taliban prisoner, if, God forbid, one of osama’s buddies decided to do some more fucked up shit? maybe i shouldn’t ask such questions. im scared what their answer might be.

perhaps a better rhetorical question would be: do the times interview college softball coaches when they want to do a story about the dodgers?

technoerotica’s readers also make me scratch my head. ive gotten exactly three referals from yesterday’s post, yet over 100 people have voted in the poll. so either technoerotica is talking about old news that all of its readers have already researched and formed opinions, or its poll takers couldn’t care less about the long and detailed complaints that welch and i have.

finally, the poll should have been worded: “Would Pierce and Welch express a different view had any LA blogs been mentioned in Tawa’s article?” for as it is currently worded, i was inclined to press Yes along with the majority of voters, because the glaring fault with the story is they completely ignored all LA Bloggers, not just me and welch.

has this dead horse been beaten enough?

maybe i should create a poll.

instead of such nonsense, i posted a new photo essay instead, created by a special guest star.