“dirrty”

rca records

anna got hurt in moscow yesterday

called me sobbing and wouldnt get off the phone.

she asked me if i had seen the new christina aguilera video

i said “yes i did see the video.

infact i downloaded the video last night, anna.

i played it over and over

slowly.

one handed.

i loved her outfits.

i loved the song.

i loved the production of the song with its overlayed whispers

i loved the production of the video with its flashes of everything.

i loved the heaps of men and flesh and women surrounding her

pulsating around her moving with her

grooving with her.

i loved that it was still her show even though she is so little

so white so good and so bad.

i loved that her hair extentions were made of yarn and twine and lint and

cobwebs.

i loved that she looks like she has fully become aware of her nastiness and

she is taking ownership

in a way much different than some tranny’s dream of moulin rouge

but of a wigger with an attitude

with the waistband of a kilt as a skirt.

i loved that it seemed to me that she knows shes number two on my list

and she did everything she could to leapfrog you.

and didnt necessarilly fail.

just has a really long way to go.

but is definately knockin on the door.”

anna sneered,

ho

as everyone knows, gwen is one of ashley’s favorite people in the whole wide world and if it wasn’t for ashley i wouldn’t know so much about gwen, in fact i would have probably just overlooked no doubt entirely because none of the guys in the band interest me, and gwen is, after all, just a girl.

so since ashley is working two jobs now and raising our illegitimate son, tupac roosevelt pierce, i will give you all the info about gwen that i have culled from the endless hours of listening ashley talk about her musical idol.

gwen was born a poor black sharecropper in the city of orange in orange county california.

like all the trendy girls who wanted something soulful, yet white and punky, she got caught up in the ska scene thanks to her brother eric who was an original member of no doubt. he played keyboards and eventually left the band right before they were about to make it huuuuuuge.

gwen and her brother are still super super close because gwen, like me, loves long long relationships and is terribly loyal and borderline co-dependent, typical libra traits.

her first real true love was a guy named tony.

tony is the dark skinned Indian bassplayer of her band. not native american Indian but from India Indian, which might explain why gwen sported those glittery dots on the center of her forehead in some of their videos back in the day.

they had a big time love affair which ended. she was crushed when he dumped her and began writing all the sad songs that became huge hits. the guitar player wrote lots of the parts, but the words were gwen’s and most of the aptly named Tragic Kingdom were straight from the broken heart of today’s birthday girl.

Tragic Kingdom ended up selling 12 million records worldwide. their manager at that time is tsar’s manager at this time. if you thought i could write a post without mentioning my favorite band, you’re insane.

gwen went on to sing duets with Moby and Eve which were both huge hits too, but being loyal to her bandmates, she truly meant it when she said that those were just little one-off projects, and last year flew off to jamacia where no doubt made the rock-roots flavored “rock steady” which lofted such hits as “hey baby,” “hella good,”and now the smash hit “underneath it all.”

rock steady is holding steady at #46 in the album charts which is quite an accomplishment since it’s been on the charts for 46 straight weeks. and “underneath it all” is locked in at #12 on the singles charts where it’s been quietly resting for the last seven weeks.

gwen probably hasn’t been resting too much. after opening for U2, and headlining their own tour, the skinny blonde recently got married to longtime boyfriend, hearthrob Gavin Rosdale of the britian pop group Bush. the couple exchanged vows in london last month and later jetted to the states to have another service for their friends and family in america.

what’s next for gwen stefani? role model, fashion icon, overall super cool gal, and frontperson to the incredibly successful pop group.

my guess is she’ll be changing diapers in two years time.

either way, happy birthday gwen.

and if you ask me she doesn’t look a day over 40. friends, this is what vegetarianism, herbs, and yoga can do for you.

meesh is a nature girl. shes a gardener. shes into meditation. once i made love to a girl who was into meditation and she just laid there. for some reason i don’t think meesh would be anything like her. she throws her head back when she laughs, she doesn’t sip when she drinks, she drains. she swoops into a room and dominates quietly with her eyes and her smile and her subtle perfumed seduction.

ive met girls like meesh before.

shes one of a kind.

when i was trying to rally to get 100 new links a few months back, certain readers to this blog said that if they had something interesting to say they would make a blog just so that they could link to me to be one of the 100.

guys shouldn’t make blogs just for that reason. they should make blogs because of this reason: theres no way i woulda met meesh without this blog.

i think what happened was she read Rabbit, i begged Rabbit to link me, meesh clicked my link on Rabbit and fell in lust with me.

ta da.

through meesh i met simone and through simone i met steve coulter, who then introduced me to tsar.

no, kidding. actually, turns out simone once dated a guy who played with keith brown in popsicko and that guy is friends with tsar, and simone had actually seen tsar about four or five times.

hollywood is a tiny place, people.

be nice to everyone.

meesh is nice to everyone, so since today is her birthday, why don’t you go over to her site, read some of the xxx dear abby stuff that shes been writing beautifully, and write her an email and tell her that you’re happy that shes around.

i am.

see the dust cloud disappear without a trace.

i was stuck in right field steaming. i had missed one xbi softball game due to my vacation and i was no longer batting leadoff playing shortstop, i was in right field batting ninth. our team had gotten serious. they’d brought on some fratboys and brothas and they had forgotten about the kid.

they said that when he was pitching his 56 consecutive shutout innings orel hershiser sang hymns to himself , and even though i was a born again too, fuck hymns. i was whispering motorhead, maiden, priest, sabbath, metalica, and nwa 100 miles and runnin.

good luck, brothas.

theres a lot of time to think when you’re playing right field in a softball game where all the macho guys try to pull it over the impossible left field wall. sex love death money

revenge.

i thought about how the bank job before my vacation went down perfectly. so good the bank didn’t even want to talk about it.

much better than the early days when we’d pull that shit off at night in the wee hours. drilling under the streets with diamond tipped jackhammers in the day time and finishing the job at midnight straightup leaving behind a note that said ha ha bankrobbers were here next to a glass half empty of milk and a plate of warm cookies.

fingerprints?

what fingerprints?

i thought about the lady from the church who cornered me at the busstop before the game. hollywood and highland busstop at 8:20pm you meet all kinds and this one wanted me to take a survey and i said okay until i saw the name of the controversial sci fi author all over the page and i said, oh, no thanks.

she said, what?

i said, i know about you guys, i live up the street.

she said, where?

i said, over by your big building.

she said, oh, by the church in los feliz.

i said yeah. she was sharp as could be. great salesperson. no fear. i loved it.

she said, that doesn’t mean you cant just answer some questions. its about a magazine. ideas for the titles of a magazine.

ideas?

she was talking to the right man.

she showed me six names. they were all terrible.

she asked, which one would you like best for a magazine.

i tried hard but i couldn’t find one.

i said, no offense, but none of them.

she said, tell me what each of these names means to you.

i told her. they were all generic.

i said, this one makes me think of books. this one makes me think of the French. this one makes me think of Old People.

i wanted to say, none of them tells me, We Can’t Brainwash You.

she asked me my first name, age, income.

i said, Sonny, 21, agent.

she said, movie agent?

i said, undercover agent.

she laughed. then she stopped laughing. she knew hollywood and highland just like i did.

she said, i live next to the church too.

she said, ive seen lots of she paused

people

coming to your door.

she wanted to say girls. i knew what she meant.

at first i thought she was judging me. then i saw she was curious.

do you have a favorite?

i said, i like the ones who are being nice to me.

and i sang to myself, i want to run, i want to hide…

then, magically, the bus came.

and i finally understood what some non christians probably feared about me when i would talk about the bible.

they were afraid that i might just be right.