this fool was born 109 years ago today

“You Know You’re Right”

(Cobain)

I would never bother you

I would never promise to

I will never follow you

I will never bother you

Never speak a word again

I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here

You won’t be afraid or fear

No thought was put into this

I always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell

I have never failed to fail

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (3x)

You know you’re right (3x)

I’m so warm and calm inside

I no longer have to hide

Let�s talk about someone else

Steaming, soon begins to melt

Nothing really bothers her

She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here

You wont be afraid or fear

No thought was put into this

I always knew to come to this

Things have never been so swell

I have never failed to fail

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (5x)

You know you’re right (17x) (except last 3 or 4 where he sings:

You know your rightS

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn

hi scary pumpkins.

yeah, well, we fucked up and forgot that tomorrow was your birthday, why didn’t you tell everyone.

aw, well you know me, im a little timid about telling people personal details about my life.

nah huh. how old are you gonna be?

109.

wow, you look terrific, how do you do it?

drugs, alcohol, barely legal girlfriends.

you don’t take drugs.

i know.

and you rarely drink.

shhh. i have an image to uphold.

and that girl isn’t even your girlfriend!

please, will you shut up, please! don’t make me get a big spoon and scoop out your insides.

so what do you want for your birthday?

i would like for the world to be a better place.

tangible things, please.

i would like to go to a strip club with my two ex girlfriends.

yowza. anything else?

no, not really. i said earlier that i want to kiss 36 girls. i think now i’ll settle for six amazing ones.

why the change?

kissed thirty over the weekend to warm up.

aren’t you afraid of catching something?

cant catch anything kissing. it’s kissing!

not herpes?

fuck herpes.

what about mono?

you know what pumpkins, that’s one thing i’d like for my birthday. i’d like everyone to put aside all their bullshit fears surrounding good for just one day. real good. like everyone, if they want to eat cake that day, say the hell with the damn diet that theyve been on for half their life. eat a piece of damn cake.

right on!

and if you want to say hi to that pretty girl on the third floor, march up there and say hi. get her number even. quit listening to that same old stale voice that tells us that the things that we want somehow are either wrong, impossible, or in someway threats to our stable, miserable lives.

preach, preacha!

i have a dream, holiday gourds.

that we can all live together in peace?

no. that people can kiss each other at bars and in night clubs and their hearts flutter and their blood pressure goes up and they don’t need so much booze any more. i have a dream, my friends.

yeah, that’s a dream alright. we don’t even have lips.

then it’s done. we’ll kiss since pumpkins can’t.

we would.

yep.

a lot.

i bet.

ah, fuck.

Hello, Tony.

S—

S—,

Great question.

I don’t get these sorts of questions enough.

The Ring is more creepy than it is scary. Not really twisted, not really gross, not really violent. I didn’t learn until later that it was PG-13, but that made sense to me because it had no nudity, cursing. It played more like a very well educated fright film than a slasher one where you get vomit and bile and little babies ripped from the wombs of the decomposed.

There is one scene where someone pulls a long string from their mouth. I’m not sure if that qualifies as something that would sicken your spouse, but as soon as you see the woman pull something from her mouth, cover your wife’s eyes. It’s more confusing, that scene, than it is sick. But then, again, i’m not emetophobic, so i wouldnt know.

My friend Karisa hates blood, and this movie would be good for her because theres not an awful lot of it.

hope this answers the question,

tony

[ update, i’m being told that that scene also includes dry heaving, so beware ]

Columbia Records, 1979

“Hateful”

(M. Jones, J. Strummer)

Well, I got a friend who’s a man

What man?

The man who keeps me from the lovely

He gives me what I need

What you need?

What you got?

I need it all so badly

Oh, anything I want he gives it to me

Anything I want he gives it,

but not for free

It’s hateful

And it’s paid for and I’m so grateful to be nowhere

This year I’ve lost some friends

Some friends?

What friends?

I dunno, I ain’t even noticed

You see, I gotta go out again

Again?

My friend

I gotta see that main man

I killed all my nerves

My nerves?

What swerves?

And I can’t drive so steady

I’ve lost my memory

My mind?

Behind!

I can’t see so clearly

Tony, your site is incredible! really, I’m impressed, it’s like you have some amazing stream-of-consciousness rap that you can capture in print.

-Adolfo

Adolfo,

thank you for your email.

you’re right. the site is incredible. and it really does seem like i have some sort of stream of conscious thing going on, which means to me, that it has some sort of flow. some writers don’t like being called stream of conscious, but i don’t mind.

but most importantly you’re correct in your analysis of my less than handsome looks.

i take no offense.

i too am amazed by not only the quality of this blog, but by the lifestyle that an average looking fellow like myself can sustain despite the lack of blessings of height, muscles or Grecian good looks. instead of long flowing blonde locks, mine are brown and curly and thinning. instead of six pack abs, my belly bulges slightly and is fuzzy with curly hairs. instead of hulking vin diesel arms, mine are scrawny and wanting.

how do i get laid so often? how do i get to go out on dates with the finest women in all of los angeles? how do i get to have the coolest friends in the world? and do it without a car or money or a fancy house or a big time fancy job or a powerful family or a ten inch tongue or a twelve inch schween?

hell if i know.

and the more you read this thing the more you will discover that i ask these questions every time a girl kisses me, or takes off her top, or whispers something incredible in my ear, like, “i just came from the nordstrom’s lingerie department and the woman measured me and said that i am a 34 triple d. would you like to see?”

i don’t know how these things happen to me. i know im being victimized in some way. haven’t figured out how yet.

but as soon as i figure out what the hell is going on, you, adolfo, will be the first i will tell.

good luck with your blog.

that might be the secret secret.

tony

p.s. the stories that i haven’t told are the ones that would completely blow your mind. i say that not to brag, but because that fact still stuns me.

who’s a blogger. who even knew doonesburry was still around?

are they shooting for that prized 18-34 demo who probably dont even know what doonesburry is?

does this mean that blogging has jumped the shark?

does this mean that bloom county will return introducing a character who is an accompliss to corporate fraud?

does this mean that peanuts will come back introducing a club kid tweaked on ecstacy, wearing a moby sweatshirt with pacifier in his mouth trying to feel charlie brown’s three hairs but ends up lapping water out of snoopy’s bowl?

or does this mean that calvin and hobbes will make a come back for one very special panel where a patriotic hobbes ties up saddam huessein while calvin prepares to urinate on him?

hope so.