i don’t know why. i don’t return her calls. i don’t hang out with her when she goes to catalina or when she gets spanked on the strip. still she’s nice and today on her blog of meeshness she makes a list and wonders what i would like for my birthday. so here’s my list.

1. i want to make out with thirty six girls. why thirty six? because 109 seems unattainable.

2. i want one of the girls to be britney murphy right after she doses my madras.

3. i would like chocolate creme pie.

4. i would like george w. bush to admit that so far he’s fucked up royally.

5. i would like kitty bukakke’s book.

6. i would like all the children of the world to go to bed with food in their bellies.

7. i would like the cubs to offer their available managerial position to either dusty or lou.

8. i would like to kiss a girl with a tongue pierce.

9. i would like to feel a fake boob.

10. the foo fighters are playing at the wiltern. i wouldn’t mind seeing them.

11. i would prefer to see tsar, my favorite band, but i think they’re booked at the .

12. i would like the people who i sent my proposal to to at least tell me that it’s an interesting idea.

13. i would like to get a job where i can blog professionally.

14. i would like everyone who reads my blog on my birthday to either say something nice in a specially designed post, or flow me $2.

15. i would like to teach the world to sing.

16. i would like to eat chicken and ribs with my best friend chris who i adore.

17. i would like to get the next day off of work.

18. i would like to get to see all of my friends who i love very much and get a baseball autographed by them.

19. i would like to see all the prisoners in the california corrections system for non-violent drug related crimes to be set free if they promise not to not hurt anyone ever again.

20. i would like no one to die of AIDS on my birthday.

21. i would like everyone to understand the words that are coming out of my mouth the way that i intend them to be heard.

22. i would like my mom to sing happy birthday on my answering machine like she does every year.

23. i would like britney murphy to sing happy birthday to me as she crawls around my hard wood floors.

24. i would like the entire Internet to link to my page and not for anna but because i rock so damn hard.

25. i would like flagrant to mail me an autographed self portrait suitable for framing.

26. i would like moxie to let me drive her porsche around the block, if you know what i mean.

27. i would like someone to buy me something off my wishlist. why? because if i was a cam girl you would.

28. i would like 36 cam girls to link me on their pages. why 36? because 109 is insane.

29. i would like for bill clinton to shake my hand and call me a stud.

30. i would like for al sharpton to not run for president.

31. i would like to have a fish taco in isla vista… off the flat belly of meesh.

32. i would like to drink so much i puke.

33. i would like to hold britney murphy’s hair as she pukes.

34. i would like for Tsar to come out with a special EP where they cover that Smells Like Teen Spirit / Bootylicious mix of nirvana and destiny’s child and list me as executive producer even though i didn’t do shit.

35. i would like all the fly bitches to know my name.

36. i would like everyone who does not already own it, to order Tsar’s cd on my birthday because they really do kick ass, and that would mean a lot more to me than world peace or 36 hummers or me getting a bamboo rice warmer.

and if i could only get one of these things, i would just like to have you, whoever you are, to just be a loyal reader and satisfied with my nonsensenesses.