cuz im still sick, and i gotta get in the right mood for a really important xbi softball game that’s going on tonight, and cuz im a little dizzy from the pills the nurse gave me after lunch, and cuz no one has bought a book from me in a good 3 hours, despite matt and greg‘s nice links.
and cuz ashley is mad at me for putting up karisa‘s picture and writing “why would a girl like karisa want me”. ashley called me up and said, “what, am i an ugly skank cuz i do want you?”
no, ashley, you’re not an ugly skank.
once there was a boy.
he wasn’t the brightest boy at school.
one day the people from the standardized test place came to his school and put a test in front of all the kids. the boy took the test along with all the others and he scored a ridiculously high score.
his mom said, oh there must be something wrong with your test for my son gets lousy grades in school.
the woman from the school said, “well what does he do when he comes home?”
the mother said, he sits in his room watching television and putting moustaches on the women in my cosmopolitans.
the woman asked, is that all he does?
the mother said, no, he also plays baseball in the street, and he shoots at doves in the forest preserve, and he listens to devil music, and he spends hours playing nerf basketball while talking to himself, and he fights crime for fun.
the woman shook her head slowly, writing it all down. and then she said, what sort of books does he read?
the boy’s mother said, magazines, not books. he reads spin, entertainment weekly, sports illustrated, playboy.
the woman said playboy?
the mother said, yes, he really does read it. he reads all of it. the interviews, the stereo reviews, the pigskin previews, the comics, the fiction by famous authors.
the woman said, but what about the nude women?
the mother said, he’s a Christian, we believe that there’s nothing wrong with God’d creation. and there isn’t by the way.
the woman said, well he got nearly all the questions correct. we think he may have cheated. we were wondering if you objected if we asked him to take the test again.
the mother didn’t object so the son took the test again, this time in the principal’s waiting room. same test.
this time he got all the questions correct.
the boy’s mother got a phone call telling her that her son was a genius.
she told the woman to hold on.
“hey son.”
“yeah ma.”
“woman here says you’re a genius.”
“hang up on her, she’s probably trying to sell you something.”
the mother got back on the phone, “are you trying to sell something?”
the woman said, “well, no, but i was about to suggest that you send him to a little bit better school than–“
click.
the mother went to the boy’s room and leaned on the bookshelf filled with baseball cards, star wars stickers, magazines, boy scout things and said, “do you think that woman might be right? do you think you’re, you know, gifted?”
the boy was laying on his belly playing adventure on his sister’s atari 2600.
he said, smart kids wear glasses. i aint smart.
the little square on the screen was touched by a duck. the boy yelled something that rhymed with duck.
the mother said, tony!
then she said, explain that test you took.
he said, standardized tests can be beat just like this video game. the hard part is asking cheerleaders to be your girlfriend.
and the moon set behind the evergreens in the tree forest, and a light snow continued to fall on the illinois plains, and a lamp with chicago cubs stickers on it finally turned off after someone read the articles of a mens magazine and looked very closely at the pictures to see if he could discover any clues to the puzzle.
Dear Tony,
yeah, the former head of Sony Pictures, the guy who helped produced “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” and “Age of Innocence,” films you starred in and made him a bunch of money?
