and theres nothing your friends can do about it or your lawyers or your loved ones or emmanuel lewis. you just do your thing and hope nobody gets hurt or you don’t get the shit beat out of you.

i have lost my mind a few times.

i have been insane in the membrane.

nothing in this is true so i can tell you about the time when someone slipped something in my drink and then someone slipped something into my cigar and then someone escorted me to the beach and we watched the sunset. we each had a beer. then this little elf bounded his way down the cliffs of isla vista and said

hi boys, would you like to suck from this magical balloon of looney love

and i had never seen an elf before and there he was in his felt suit and big red nose and his basket of gold and pointy shoes with bells on the toe and he looked at us like a dog would, with a cocked head and blush on his cheeks, were those whiskers?

and we were young guys and the sun was setting and the waves and the sea gulls and the surfer girls and surfer rosa was playing on a boom box and we said what the heck and first my buddy sucked some in and then i sucked some in and then the elf had some and then flipper swam to shore and the elf gave him some and then my buddy had one as soon as he exhaled, no air in-between, and then i did the same and then flipper cut in line and took a toke and then did a back flip and then the elf took a drag and offered it to us but we said no thanks and held it in as loooooong as we could and then the elf bowed to us and sank right into the sand.

and then i started to drift away.

away from you.

away from my buddy.

i was drifting up into the sky.

i could see my body down there against the rocks, i could see the pacific and the sunset and del playa and the houses and then i came back down into my body slowly.

ahhhhh

i took a breath of fresh air, god that was scary

oh shit then i floated up again this time higher way higher i could see all of isla vista, part of francisco torres, sands beach deveraux mental hospital lots more of the ocean, the curve of the horizon. fucking A the islands!

it felt like i was the ball on a gigantic paddle ball and i went back down to my body, faster this time, i didn’t dare take another breath of air

but i did and there i floated back up again. shit shit shit.

up up up.

goleta.

ocean.

santa barbara.

i had only been this high up when i was in an airplane flying home from a business trip nose smooshed up against the window.

the silver cord connecting rubber ball me with the paddle was going to stretch too far i feared and i would float up into heaven, a failure, a cheat. what are you doing here anthony h. pierce the third?

i lost my mind, sir.

hmmm, you’re not scheduled to be here for another 102 years. you’re a very bad boy, to hell with you.

but that didn’t happen, i was brought back to earth thanks to a sip of beer that my buddy advised me to take because i looked green. hippie chemistry. headache, smoke weed. weed headache, eat aspirin. hangover, drink rum. sensitive from acid, smoke pot. heartbroken, eat x. too much x? smoke pot. it went on and on.

the beer worked. dulled the visuals.

then the waves began to digitize.

pixilate.

the smoothness of sight had been replaced by digital colors of green red and blue, grainy like sand. the sand had turned into grainy red sand, it looked like a satellite feed from overseas in the middle of a nighttime firefight.

but it was sunset.

then it was just squares of colors.

and then just beige squares.

and then just black.

floorpie

so get up and do a little dance. the mighty mc came to this town in a space pod after his hometown planet exploded after the annual love fiesta got a little out of control and too many of the ladies in the house said hooooooeeee.

raised by amazons in a lion preserve in west afrique marc brown learned to bust with the rhymes well before dmc’s rock box but that chapter in us history is often overlooked because no one wants to think that a white man brought rap to the brotha. all i gotta say is the truth will set you free, people, so testify and give it up to marc with a c.

brown delivers. so much so that hollywood records wanted tsar to name their first record “the marc brown years” but at the last minute just called it tsar. big mistake.

while looking for his canoe and his blue ox, mark did the austrailian crawl across the sea and landed in seatle where he was raised in the trees by hippies. they gave him his american name which was alot easier to say than click click but maybe not.

the ladies loved cool b as they still do but back then he didnt know how to fend them off as delicately as he does now. back then he was too honest. he would make them all cry and it only made them fall harder for him.

one day he threw a frisbee over the head of dave grohl barefoot in the park. he said, “my bad” which was the first time anyone had ever said that and ran to retrive the flying disc. he found it on the penisula of isla vista some 1600 miles away. he looked around and felt instantly at home. he signed up for classes at the junior college, got himself a show on the radio where he played hip hop and smooth jazz and a legend was born.

marc brown was going to night school.

a few years later he transfered to ucsb and ran for president. he got 60 votes but the nexus said he got 69 and put it on the front page. all the ladies put their hands in the air, and shook em around like they just didnt care.

marc brown got so much tail in college that i used to walk behind him just to get hit by the shrapnel.

his record collection was always bigger than mine. it was a party school with hundreds of kegs a night. thousands on weekends and if you saw the mc was there you knew you were in the right place. i cant tell you how many concerts i went to that he was there too. skynyrd, lyle lovitt, tom ball and kenny sultan, hank jr., yanni. marc always was there with his backstage laminents, always an extra one for me and a cold frosty one in a plastic cup. he’d lick his hand and smear his hand stamp on mine. i’d give him a tab of acid and we’d call it even.

ah, memories.

so heres to you Mr. Birthday Boy Blogger Web Design Loft Dweller Karaoke Singing Keeping it Real Man.

you’re the true american hero of the day. and an example to all of us. and by the way, i ganked the top most blog pic from his site. thanks, cheif!

marc brown

hi. yes i love you. thank you for your letters and pictures and emails and phone calls and gifts and promises of lust.

do you know how great that makes me feel?

do you know how low my self esteem is and how many demons whisper sour nothings into my ear like at all times?

you all ask so many questions about ashley and if you want to know her secret superpower it’s that she always makes me feel loved and wanted and sexy and masculine and smart and good with my hands, etc. when i ask her if she had a good time with me the other night her eyes get big and she will squeeze my hand and say, yeeeeeess. oh god yes.

that works on me.

flattery will get you everywhere.

one cute girl writes me the dirtiest emails. maybe some of you don’t know that that’s allowed. of course it’s allowed. let yourself go. i want you to trust me and feel free with me. why not?

she tells me all the things she wants to do to me when she flies here from stockholm. she tells me what she will wear and what she will say and what she wants me to say. shes quite descriptive. she says she has many day dreams. she remembers these daydreams, and its true she has many.

but one thing that worried me was when she said that she doesn’t have safe sex. she said that she trusts her boyfriend and that shes on the pill and for some reason in sweden she thinks that that’s safe.

so i asked her what’s swedish for ha.

you can trust your boyfriend all you want but i don’t trust him. im not saying that he’s cheating on you, or that he did some dirty skank ho the week before he met you. but im going to pretend that he does cheat on you and he did three skank hos before he met you. and i suggest you do the same.

unless you two are conjoined twins joined at the bellybutton if you’re not using condoms every single time you’re out of your mind.

let me tell you about the boy who you say you trust. he is so ignorant about his thing and he’s so reckless with it and he’s so led by it that it’s insane.

ask your true love if he washes his hands every time that he uses the bathroom.

this is a trick question but ask him anyhow.

if he says yes ask him if he takes a paper towel to turn off the water after he washes his hands. then ask him if he takes a paper towel to use on the handle if he leaves the bathroom.

if he answers no to any of those questions think about where he puts his hands when he comes over to see you.

then think if im gonna put my hand there, or my face, or worse, lil tony without a condom.

swedish for ha.

when men take a dump and wipe their ass the first thing they touch is that sink and the dials on that sink then they wash their hands then they take those clean hands and touch that dirty sink to turn it off. then they wipe their dirty hands with a towel then they touch the door handle with their ass hands then they put their hands on you!

but what he did before that is even worse. he walked into the bathroom and unzipped his pants and put his hands on his schween. he peed and Then he washed his ass hands. so not only does he leave that bathroom with filth all over him, but now his innocent dick which has been completely covered by layers has germs from bro’s daily adventures.

what does your boyfriend do? is he a mechanic? does he type at a typewriter all day? does he ride the bus and hold on to the handles? does he ever press the buttons of elevators? homeless men piss on the buttons of the elevators of the subway in my town. how about yours?

so the correct answer to the loaded question is, “honey, i wash my hands before And after i use the bathroom, cuz i know where my dick has been, but i cant even begin to remember where my hands have been.”

hot babes, i know where i want my hands to be. and i know where they’ve been. i know that they can be eaten off.

can everything that you have be eaten off?

doubt it.

so that’s just the hands. i know your boyfriend. he touches himself all the time. if i dated you i would be touching myself all the time too. its not a put down, trust me. but he doesn’t take care of his hands and he doesn’t take care of his donk and that’s because you’re not making him.

and ps if he met christina aguelera at the viper room and she said lets do it in my limo and if he said i dont have a condom, and if she said dont worry im on the pill, he’d do her.

and pps he’d do the same with a girl who’s not named christina aguelera too. its our nature. it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s not something to be ignored.

however, when it comes to getting some, ladies, we will listen to you. i didn’t learn these things from the fellas. i learned these things from uptight hotties who never ever ever wanted to catch anything while having fun. theres no reason for it. it feels great enough even with protection. trust me it does. and if it doesn’t you’re with the wrong person.

so i emailed this to my blonde betty of the north and she asked me what she could do to make herself worthy in light of all of this.

i said what you need to do is get yourself checked out. go to the doctor and tell them you want an aids test and a vd test. meanwhile get your boyfriend tested. then don’t ever have sex without a condom. only time this can change is when you get married.

our parents’ generation say that they saved sex for marriage, mmmh hmmm i believe that. the following generations probably wont ever live up to that but they should save non-safe sex for marriage. i don’t think that’s a bad compromise.

think about how great your wedding night will be. you would have been recently tested. you will look at your rings, and your gifts and your white purse full of envelopes, and then you will look at your test results and for the first time since reading this blog post you will have sex without a condom and trust me when i tell you it will be a night you will never forget.

okay that’s the sermon for this morning. i heart you miss sweden and your girlfriends who you want to travel here with and share with me. but if you do that everyone must have the proper documentation.

then you can teach me some other foreign words.

your pal,

tony

how to live your life my way