i have watched a lot of football this year and it is my belief that the raiders will beat the buccaneers by at least 20 points.

one reason is because the Raiders dont lose Super Bowls.

another reason is because in Super Bowls you really have to hand it to the veterans, especially the vets in key positions like QB and WR.

another reason is because i will be rooting very hard for the Raiders and ive been doing pretty good rooting for them over the last few years.

another reason is cuz im very confident about pretty much everything right now after coming back from Hell and being able to see into the future, if only for a very short period of time.

for example, i see myself having a very tasty lunch today with a pretty girl.

speaking of pretty girls, one thing i have noticed about them is that theyre just as unreliable as ugly girls. the lie that they teach you in school is that ugly girls or fat girls will be easier to deal with than a pretty girl, but it’s so not true. everyone is crazy.

im crazy too.

i need to ask this one chick out who walks her dog over by my house.

shes so damn cute.

everyday i just watch her walk that little bullshit dog and i dont do anything.

so bogus.

my friends had a dream and just made it come true.

see

if one of the girls was actually into it or not into it.

strangely this wasnt the first time in the last 45 days where i had friends over who asked me to whip out the porn, and the fact that this time there were some ladies in the house did not make it any more comfortable.

we were watching kelly o’dell in one of her films for vivid and she was totally getting into it in no time flat and one of the girls on the couch called bullshit and said no way could a girl get that turned on my a simple little touch and i was all, you need to get around honey.

then the conversation moved over to pheromones and i had never thought about those before, but two of the ladies went on about how if a man walks past them and smells good they will raise their eyebrows and check the man out as he passes and let their minds wander.

very interesting i thought.

one particular woman complained that i wasnt showing any porn with a story to it.

it was 4am.

i said that i had given all of my chick porns to my ex girlfriend.

the girl said she didnt believe me.

lately nobody has believed me about anything.

but my exgirlfriend came back from the kitchen with a tray of makers mark shots for each of us and backed me up, saying that i had left her with a tidy little cache of well made, nasty porn with decent stories.

then a third girl laying on the shag twirled her hair and said that she didnt like stories in porns unless they were fairytales.

then someone called out “alice in wonderland!”

then someone called out “sleeping beauty!!”

then the neighbor upstairs called out, “shut the fuck up!”

then we laughed.

then we drank.

then i put in snoop dogg’s girls gone wild and people gasped.

sometimes i wonder about what i should do with the way that i earn money and i think about what a great porn reviewer i could be, but then i think about how i would like to go to Heaven this time, but then i think about old men who spent their whole lives learning how to paint the mona lisa or some other classic on a stamp and i think that the good Lord isnt gonna throw those dudes into Hell for “wasting” their talent.

but then i think about what a great porn director i would be and then i think that i dont want to go to hell again.

and i sat there trying to be a good host to my guests, to my very good friends, and it was nearly 5am on a friday night/saturday morning and i thought how i could give a tribute to ed wood and borrow from his films but make them porns. and the best thing about any film is the gimmick. what i would do with my ed wood films is complete them in the same amount of days that he completed his.

and then i would burn for eternity.

again.

like a sucka

bathtubgirl

i was talking to my computer who had a few questions for me.

what are you going to about those kids by the front gates?

what kids?

didnt you see those college girls?

no, where?

up front, fool! theyve been out at that gate since you were murdered!

why?

because they were so sad that you were gone and they waited for you to come back cuz they knew you would.

what do you think they want?

they probably want to talk to you.

i got nothing to say.

it doesnt matter, man. just say hi.

my computer knows im terribly shy. it knows that im lazy and once i put on my pajama bottoms then thats it for me for the night. it knows that if you say hi to one group of college girls whove been waiting outside, youll have to say to all of them.

i think some of them are strippers.

you know the sad thing, computer?

no sad stories tonight, tony.

sad thing is as much as i love you, im going to replace you soon.

are you trying to hurt my feelings?

no.

good, cuz i dont have any feelings.

good cuz me neither.

lies lies lies. is that all you learned in hell?

they lie way more on earth than in hell.

is that true?

nah.

reverse cowgirl