but he sent me a postcard from heaven.

he said they have rivers made of chocolate milk with killer waves and marshmellow great white sharks.

and then he told me about the mermaids.

then i got another postcard and all he talked about was the mermaids.

he told me about one who really was a maid too.

wanna see a funny ass headline: click here.

somebody asked outloud in his blog why i do this.

hits? no. attention? hell no. feedback? no.

why then?

to impress the ladies.

the history channel kicked my ass talking about “drugs” and how they became illegal. i learned a lot.

thanks, history channel.

doesnt look like my date is going to happen tomorrow. there was a time when i might have been upset about such a thing. or mad.

i dont get mad any more.

just keep driving the lane. elbow out, head down.

the goal is: fun.

dont get mad at people trying to stop you.

the game would be nothing without them.

dont get mad at the haters but also dont hang on the rim above them like a jackass after youve dunked on them.

slam, point at your teammate, get back on d.

then wink at your favorite cheerleader.

delphinium + sarah + kool keith

they see the line and still they sneak in at the sides without a care in the world.

sometimes they smile with their dirty teeth.

my mom is a world traveler and she noticed that in other parts of the world cutting in line isnt such a big deal.

some of the people dont like to move to the right on the escalators. i saw a woman today, she was asked to step to the right as a man climbed the escalator, she moved over maybe one centimeter and gave him a dirty look and then went back to blocking the way.

almost all of the people are incredibly attracted to me. if theres no more seats and im standing in the front of the bus, everyone stands as close to me as possible in the front of the bus.

if i stand in the middle of the bus, theres a huge bottleneck in the middle.

if i stand in the rear of the bus, suddenly thats the most popular area.

they all like to rub their asses up against me as they pass by, and once theyve passed and see theres no empty seats in the back they stand right next to me. whole bus to spread out in, they like to stand up against me.

people like to sneeze at me. they like to cough on me. they like my ass. a lot.

if i was gay i would be the happiest man on the bus.

homeless man sitting on the bus had his homeless bag next to him. he kept nodding off. instead of nodding to the left or right, due to his bad posture he kept nodding forward smashing his head up against the headrest in front of him. i laughed. eventually he woke up smiling realizing his nightmare was simply mine.

old woman whose head wouldnt stop shaking like katherine hepburn didnt see there was a seat open near the back. then she saw it finally and a young man beat her to the seat. big fat man was standing blocking the back door. i gave the young man the evil eye and he tried to ignore me. so i said, get up.

he got up.

and the day had begun.

did the nba just make?

last night the worlds greatest basketball player wore a jersey that has to be the coolest thing that anyone has seen in a really long time.

not only does it shine the floodlights on the fact that the new Wizards jerseys look like something from the USFL reject bin, but it reminds you how great the old Bullets logo really was.

major league baseball was the first to bring back retro uniforms several years back for several reasons. they wont admit it, but the biggest reason was to expand the demographic (read: get more women into watching the sport at the spectacle of “cute” uniforms).

on certain sundays you could see the Cincinnati Reds in their baggy old school unis which was supposed to be a tip of the hat to the glorious past of the national pastime, but in all actuality it was a great marketing ploy to get marginal fans into the stands, and of course to sell throwback jerseys to kids, fanatics, and collectors.

and since all sports fashion trends begin with hip hop artists, all you have to do is tune in Yo MTV Raps – oh, that’s right they canceled it – or 50 Cent and Nelly videos to see that the ’70s jerseys are all the rage.

ive seen more ’70s go go Sox baseball caps than current ones (who exactly is on the white sox any more other than the big hurt?) so the scam is obviously worth it. meanwhile teams like the Yankees who havent changed their uniforms since ruth and gehrig do things like make green caps or sell the warm up and spring training versions.

whatever, the new jordan jersey is the shit and if my birthday was coming up any time soon id ask for it, but mark my words you’ll be seeing that on every up and coming hip hop artist and wanna-be this summer.

maybe they’ll make a lil one for my girlfriend, christina agueliera.

but one thing’s for certain, it wont look better on anyone other than on mj himself.

pick up your jordan retro washington bullets jersey at your local foot locker soon, right next to the kobe white laker jersey that they only wear on sundays and the jordan north carolina retro for the low low price of $189.

a model goes to the beach + gweilo diaries + no use for virtue