have made womens tennis totally boring.

and yet the brotha named tiger has made

golf

magically watchable

even on television.

my man had to chip out of the fucking sand yesterday in hopes to par the 18th so as to make the cut to even play today.

chipped it, parred it, hes still in the Masters.

so after starting this morning in 43rd place, motherfucker tucks himself to sleep tonight in

fifth place

after completely making a joke out of all the finest players in golf

on the most famously racist and sexist course.

the marines at the agency always want to bring up nicklaus and palmer and to piss them off i tell them that theyre so lucky that they didnt have to play tiger.

then i tell them about stockton and malone, which is what arnie and jack would have been if tiger was a hundred years older.

my kids will never ask me about the mailman.

some asswipe will get lucky with the pickandroll in 2020 and pretend like he invented it, but we’ll know better.

its raining tonight in hollywood and im thinking about guys who never won shit, and guys who always found a way to win, and its good to think about both of them.

i dont care that im not making a lot right now.

scottie pippen didnt make a lot until his 6th world championship.

what if to get your ideal job you had to take a 25% cut in your already ridiculously low salary?

and i am crazy enough to do something like that.

start from the bottom, at my age.

but at least this time it’s the bottom of something i totally love.

tiger was 40 feet away from the hole

tapped it right of the cup

it had to go up a hill a little

made it up okay

then it had to curve over to the left hard while going slightly downhill

about twelve feet away

curved left

hard

rolled downhill

and slowly so very slowly

found its way into the bottom of the hole.

that sixty six moved him up thirty eight spots

and now hes only four shots from the lead

for your sunday afternoon asses.

[update: never mind]

jason sutter + jason shellon +kottke

i think it would be funny to see Ass in huge red letters as you drove down a street. i admire people who can take something people buy every day and turn it into a huge chain.

like how the guy from Blockbuster made Blockbuster. and how Dominos Pizza just one day was everywhere. people seriously stopped going to their local, folksy, funky pizza palors and stores and started renting at Blockbuster and buying books at Barnes and Noble.

i think the man or woman who figures out how to launch the first adult video rental store chain deserves the buttload of money that they will receive.

and i think it would be awesome if they called the place Ass.

i would also like to have a club called Prom.

once a month there’d be a prom. tuxedos, dresses, punch, limos, eighties music.

i know i’d like to do prom over again.

it wouldnt really be a great place for a first date, but it would be a perfect place to go once you were starting to get serious with someone.

hey, would you like to go to prom with me?

omg, are you serious?

why, yes.

yes! yes i will!

then a bunch of her friends would want to go, so then youd get some of your buddies. rent a limo. everyone gets some.

tony gets paid.

if i had a book store id call it The Springfield Book Depository.

unlike most book stores i’d have a whole wall of Charles Bukowski books. it would be the ultimate place for bukowski stuff.

there would be a poetry reading room in the back, but i wouldnt ever go, i dont like poetry readings.

thered be a tiny record store upstairs full of out of print bootlegs, and posters.

if i had a liquor store i’d call it No Smokes

cuz cigarettes will kill you.

bettie girl + anti + ginacide