and visit every state. along the way i think i would like to go to a bowling alley in each state, and also go to a drive-in in each state. i would also like to dare each state to show me a better time than the previous one. i would also like to drink a local beer wherever i go. i would also like to spread goodwill towards men, and greatwill towards women.

i would also like to take a lot of pictures and show them to you.

i would also like to know what youd like to do.

i dated a nympho in frisco (not pictured) and we’d go to the skyline drive-in in daly city and shed attack me and barely let me up for air. i never knew nympos existed but they do. she was sorta ashamed but not really. she reminded me of an alien from another planet. i believe. she only wanted one thing. it was nuts. chinese. nice boobs. cutest eyes and best voice.

lived with her parents in south san francisco and we talked on the phone a lot at first and she would keep asking me to take her out and i would tell her that i dont date girls from aol and she would tell me the things she would do to me and i said hmmm and she would tell me the things i could do to her but all i wanted to do was meet her.

men always hope for control but rarely get it.

i believe she was twenty.

we didnt see jurassic park two we didnt see the cable guy we didnt see a lot of things.

strangely she didnt like being touched.

or kissed.

if i tried to get close she would giggle and stop and take a deep breath and giggle and say one or the other. and i would kiss her and she would say wrong other and put me inside her and say tony.

i cant say that i felt used after a while but i did.

i cant say that it was entirely enjoyable but it was interesting.

i cant say that i would want my sons to experience this phenomenon but yes i can. i would want them to see the extreme register on the vu meter because it shows you that you can eat too much cake for breakfast.

that you can go to the drive in too much.

but the drive in was always nice.

and i miss the ones theyve torn down around this town.

neens + taupe + la encantada

of single women who dont even know me for this blog. which is refreshing because i am not the stud in real life that my writing staff portrays me as in these pixels.

for the most part im a timid, unsure, skittish little man, barely able to put two words together without the aid of cue cards or smoke signals along the horizon. which has made the various blind dates that ive been on recently quite an adventure.

the benefit of dating women who read this journal is that they understand that i dont own a car, that i have a terrible memory, and that all of my faults should be ignored because im such a sensitive poet. faults like being nearly penniless despite the beach house in malibu and the hollywood hills villa.

and flying car.

and pirate’s booty.

the girls from friendster are picture-happy. they send me their pictures and i send them mine. i dont send any that marc brown has taken because he always catches my wrong side. all my sides are my wrong side which is why i will always love ashley even if i am avoiding her because she tells me that i am a handsome stud no matter what sorry ass picture she sees of me. and sometimes, especially in my case, flattery will get you everywhere.

to the left is a picture i took when i first moved away from frisco to LA back in 98 and broke up with my true love.

some neighbors had poisoned my salad with magic mushrooms on a hot summer day like today and i got back to jeanines apartment where i shared a futon with her and i looked at the mirror and i said damn im one hot tamale. and i took a picture. at the time i didnt know that my stomach would soon expand but at least i have this evidence that i once looked halfway decent.

now i look about one quarter decent and that quarter is from my knee down to my toes.

i have been told i have beautiful feet.

i have no idea where this post is going.

what was the point? oh yes, friendster girls.

hi friendster girls. thank you for being my friendster. thank you for adding me to your long lists of strangers. thank you for writing me. thank you for inviting me to your 21st birthdays.

i imagine that one day i will be too old to date 21 year old girls, but i see hef and tony randall doing it so maybe that day will be when i turn 125.

until then they will have to suffer with my tales of horseless carriages and they will make me live through Postal Service cds.

and one day my children will ask me why i married their mother and i will say

boredom and defeat.

and then i will ask him not to talk to me for the rest of the evening if its ok with them.

tossed and turned. fell asleep. woke up. my stomach was gurgling from too much diet dr. pepper and i just laid on my back and felt the breeze saunter in through the screen window. it reminded me of being a kid in illinois but even then i could sleep like a rock. last night was different. besides the full moon there was definately a disturbance in the force much worse than my beloved all star game falsely being held at comiskey.

fell asleep finally in the wee hours after focusing on thinking about anything other than i had been thinking about. had several dreams which is also rare since the xbi had snipped that part of my brain. drempt that i had called over a hottie to spend the night with me, someone who would ignore my gracelessly aging face, someone who would just lay there with me and protect me as the goblins and ghosts bukkaked all over my innocent thoughts. someone who would tell me that it would be ok. someone who said id be their first round draft pick. but in the dream she said she had to wake up early in the morning and would have to take a rain check.

then i had a dream that i was assigned to drive from one red lobster to another to taste the quality from property to propery. strange and dangerous duty but what good job isnt deadly in one way or another. lobster for lunch, shrimp for dinner. every day. every night. woke up and found that i still hadnt slept very much. thought about writing. thought about finishing my thing on tsar that i started the other night but that just made me sad.

fell asleep and had a third dream. again, trust me when i tell you i dont dream. i dont cheat on my girlfriends, i dont eat onions, i dont dream. had a dream that i was expecting an email that was going to change my life. and i clicked and clicked and found nothing. then it occured to me that maybe i had deleted it thinking it was spam. i get so many emails and many are spam disguised as real emails with subject headers that say Hey or Love Your Site or Add Inches Now and who doesnt want to be taller? but none of those emails are it. its just a bad dream for a bad person.

i fall asleep and wake up with howard stern talking to tori spelling and he asks her if she has ever had sex on a plane and she says yep. he asks if she was wearing a skirt and she says yep, he asks her if she wore panties and she says she hardly ever wears panties and youd think she could afford some but i guess some people want to be independent and not have to ask their parents for everything.

i fall asleep for a few more minutes and wake up, strangely rested because the gurgling in the stomach had stopped, the radio had stopped, the breeze had stopped and all the thinking in the mind had stopped and nelly gets put into the boombox its girlfriend the duet with justin timberlake and i step into the shower and think about how long its been since ive had a girlfriend and i dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing and then the phone rings and its the girl i had dreampt about who told me no thanks and she says that she wants to see me tomorrow night but i tell her that i have plans and she says what about thursday night and i say what about your boyfriend and she says what about friday night and i say i have to drink a lot on friday night and she said i might be able to get a fake id by friday and i think maybe i am better off without a girlfriend. and when i get to the train, a hot chick with a victoria secrets gift bag is reading bukowski and im so stunned i dont say a word.

jason + jason + jason + jason + jason + jason + jason