hi blog, what’s going on?

um… nothing.

hey, sorry i haven’t talked to you lately.

yeah its been a while, huh?

don’t think i don’t love you. of course i do. im just trying out new things.

oh i know. no hard feelings.

are you sure everythings ok, bloggy?

you know, just because everyone else talks to their blogs now doesn’t mean that you have to stop talking to me.

i know that.

i mean i realize you want to stay a step ahead of everyone, but i think sometimes you forget you’re about five steps ahead of everyone.

i wouldn’t go that far.

you should.

at this point, blog, i don’t know if you’re being generous or conceited.

how can i be conceited with those links over there?

i know dude, im sorry, its a mess over there.

do you even care about me any more?

of course i do. im just so swamped at work… superheroing and stuff.

do you even know what day it is?

its wednesday.

you took off today and you had all day to do something and you didn’t even do anything, so don’t tell me its a time issue.

what are you talking about?

it’s my birthday tony.

holy crap.

i knew it, you forgot.

oh man.

what is up with you dude?

man.

whatever, i’ll get over it.

im so sorry, blog.

no you’re not. you so take me for granted. you know how many people would love to be able to have the busblog? tons. and you just put in the minimum amount of effort and collect the praise. it took you forever to fix the comments, it will take you forever to fix the links. you don’t interview people any more, you only talk about yourself. your writing hasn’t been good since you were banging that teen—

easy there.

no, fuck you. how many people seriously get laid off their blogs? very few. but you do. and you don’t give back. you don’t make this better. you don’t hype it out in the world, you don’t smooze the blogosphere, you don’t learn one thing about design, you don’t even talk about how good Blogger Pro has been for you. how many posts have you “lost” since moving over to Pro?

none.

one. and it wasn’t Pro’s fault, it was yours. and it sucked. i ate it. I did that for you. but you don’t even use Pro the way you should, you barely spell check, you barely do shit. you let the pictures expire, you don’t do even half of the things that high school kids are doing and you walk around like you’re mr bloggy guy. you aint shit and you don’t even know or respect when this shit started. everything you do is half assed and what’s so disappointing is you at 5 is better than most of the crust at 10. you were getting your fingers stinky and cranking out four posts a day with carpal tunnel at your peak and now your coasting like you have something better to do. you don’t have anything better to fucking do.

my chair is really bad….

shut up. and you curse way too much on this shit. how are people supposed to take you seriously. why do you do that to me? its a reflection on ME you know, not you. on ME. and then you steal all these damn pictures, and you steal from ee and bukowski and you don’t even care.

and if i had a damn penny for each time you use “and” you wouldn’t have to beg people for ten bucks for a car, you’d have your damn stinky ass car.

look, im really sorry. ive had a bad day. im sorry, i will try to make it up to you

try? try! fuck you and your trying. gimme your try so i can shove it up your ass. try. try to be taller motherfucker. its my birthday and if you want to give me something, give me your damn attention and give me some respect. im older than most of the shit that’s out there and im better than almost all of it. and if you stopped typing typing typing hitting post&publish and actually took your time and read – gasp – your shit sometimes you’d see all your damn typos and you’d make something good out of this more than once in a blue moon.

quit playing to the level of your competition, which, sadly, there is very little of.

anything else?

yes, and if you aren’t going to write about politics, lazy ass, then write about sports. or at least write about music, and none of these one two sentence bullshit reviews where you compare it to a burrito or some nonsense. write like how all the others write and beat them at their own tired game.

im not sure i can do that.

and quit being a fucking sensitive wuss. the lord gave you a mighty sword. use it or lose it. now wish me a happy birthday and finish that thing you’re writing.

happy birthday blog.

thank you tony.

i love you.

i love you too. that’s the only reason i just don’t delete myself.

good.

and tomorrow get an auction going. the winner gets to sponsor Blogger Pro on the busblog.

k.

kevin holtsberry

i called in sick.

i haven’t called in sick in over a year. maybe a year and a half.

in many ways im a great employee. i respect my bosses, i am perpetually in a good mood, i don’t mind working overtime (for a price), im disgustingly loyal, im on time, i don’t take a parking space, i hardly ever expense anything, i bring in all my magazines for people to read, i get along with even the evil people, and i like baking treats for the passers-by.

and i never lie.

ive noticed in my 75 years in the work place that lying is a basic form of office communication. its like a language. people have ways to lie and make it not sound like a lie.

but the best is when they say things that don’t mean a fucking thing.

i actually do like when people can do that, cuz i suck at it.

so yeah, im sick. i do feel gross. if i have something i don’t want to give it to my coworkers because their jobs are vital. if i don’t really have something bad, i will be back in chopper one tomorrow.

and if the boss asks me how i feel i will say, i was shitting fire all day yesterday.

which is true.

you know you’re sick when your farts smell like old man farts.

you don’t have to be a doctor to know that your ass doesn’t lie, america. remember that.

when i was in grade school i had a teacher who taught us that laughter is the best medicine. he told us about a guy who had cancer and he got all these three stooges movies and played them over and over in his hospital room, and he laughed and laughed and he beat cancer.

so this morning i took a shower, drank a bunch of oj, called in, and pay-per-viewed Old School, which, yes, i had never seen before, and of course loved.

then i sex chatted this hot girl who i hope will wear a nurse’s outfit when she gets off work tonight to check in on me.

and then i turned opened my blogger pro window,

and then i said hi to all of you, the wonderfully anonymous readers of the busblog.

who i adore immensely.

and if my boss is reading this, i know that its 80 degrees here in hollywood with clear blue skies,

and the beach is a bus ride away

and if you have any friends who see me there

it was purely therapeutic

who i still love.

a lot.

ive known mary since i was either 14 or 15, i always forget.

she tells me about her life, and theyre not always the happiest stories, but she tells me and all i can hear is

i am still the hottest girl youve ever known

even though youve met them all.

she tells me about the losers she ends up with and the crazy job that she has and all i hear is

take me away from here, romeo

here.

her life couldnt be more different than mine.

her attitude couldnt be any better than mine.

she couldnt be cooler under pressure.

and she said the nicest thing about me.

and now i miss her so much.

in the matter of an hour we got deep into the bible, super deep into slander and HR, waaaaaaaaay deep into sex marriage kids life, we even delved into boxing.

i love that girl.

and if youre reading this, as soon as you divorce that son of a bitch im taking you on the hottest date youve been on since highschool.

so get a sitter.

love alwas,

tony

21mm + happy belated birthday xeni!