if youre not going to be inspired by them, to the point of changing your behavior.

i wonder if playboy could use a blog.

of course they could, but i wonder what sort of blog they could really use.

i know the sort of blog i would like to read on playboy.

i would like to know day by day the process of putting together one of the most famous and interesting magazines ever.

i would be interested in reading about the mostly daily goings on in and out of the most famous private home in california.

and i think we are all curious on just how it is that hugh hefner could be living so large in the twilight of his fascinating career.

just like people, i think magazines and institutions have an uncomfortable struggle when talking about themselves.

but, come on, the playboy story and the hugh hefner story should be cake for the right writer(s) to document every day, as the pictures, and the comics, and the interviews one could get would be unlike anywhere else on the web.

and i think most men would probably do it simply for free room and board.

cubs lost today.

cards and stros won.

got to talk and chat with some very cool people.

tsar even sent me an email.

all ages show this friday night at the henry fonda theatre.

la has many mansions.

aint no bad dude + i want you to blog + sean

although yesterday i had some tom kha kai soup and if someone wanted me to do anything for them, including make out with their hideous stepsister, i woulda done it.

instead ben affleck and jennifer lopez called me up and asked me if the xbi could help them with their wedding this weekend in santa barbara.

and i said, for the right price we could help you with whatever you want.

they asked, could you kill all the paparazzi?

i said, the xbi doesn’t kill anyone.

they said, but

i said, you dont lipsync and we dont kill anyone.

they said, got it.

i said, here’s what you do, you tell everyone that you’re going to get hitched in santa barbara, get a bunch of people to drive up to santa barbara and get security and make it a super big fakeout. theyre all extras. get a jlo and benlo impersonator to get dressed up in a dress and a tux and stand under a tent on the cliffs with 100 people gathered around you. when i tell you to have security, get a LOT of security rent-a-cops.

they said why.

i said, cuz it will make it look real.

then i said, meanwhile, you get hitched up in Big Bear Lake. it’s close enough to LA that all the media that the news services and the paparazzi would use will be in Santa Barbara, but its far enough away from San Diego and Vegas and SF that no one can make a quick call and have someone up there fast. In fact the closest people who could get there will be in Santa Barbara.

then what you do is about a mile north of Ventura take three cars and park two of them side by side on the 101. theres only two lanes going in each direction on that stretch of the freeway. the third car will pick up the drivers of the abandoned two cars, and they drive away.

this will cause a traffic jam that will extend up to san luis obispo.

the ‘azzi in santa barbara wont even be able to get on the damn freeway, let alone get to Big Bear Lake.

jlo said, i love you.

i said, you should.

she said, no really, lets get married.

i was all, well, uh

ben said, hey!

and then i said, ok.

but it was the soup talking so we just made out for a few minutes.

i like pretty things + ten gallon hat + chrystal

which meant today i had to use the vending machines.

i always wonder what i will do when i retire from the xbi and most agents barely make it past 30, so to be 109, 110 in a month and a half, is pretty outrageous.

today i think i want to work for a vending machine company.

hopefully one of those japanese ones that have like 5,000 slots.

vending machines are nice. especially when theyre full of good stuff.

this morning i ended up with a minute maid apple juice and a two-pack of hostess cupcakes. except they werent hostess, it was some knockoff brand.

what i wanted was a bagel or a croissant or a muffin, which apparently is impossible here in southern california in the year 2003.

vending machines should be able to give me fresh fruits, a wide variety of juices and sodas, sandwiches, microwaveables, even magazines and baseball cards. and yet they dont.

the other day i met a guy who looked like elvis and i axed him if i could take his picture and he said no (pictured). i think he was afraid that i would do something freaky to the picture.

the other day i was chatting with a college student who said that she liked me because i didnt come across as a stranger.

i am a stranger though. and im strange. and im almost always happy which is strange. except recently i have hated my commute to work and being at work and you know what im going to stop complaining about it because its not making me happy and nothing good ever happens from complaining.

the other day i was on the phone with an amazingly hot girl who did things to me, oh man, that i cant even get into any details about right now because i dont even truly know what happened but it was porn, straight up. anyway she said she doesnt like the xbi stories that i write.

do you guys not want me to write about my superhero job?

sadly its the closest to the truth that i write in here.

very strange.

i think she doesnt like it because she thinks i work somewhere else. not somewhere else, actually, she knows exactly where i work, i dont think she knows that i dont work for where she thinks i work which is where her friend’s ex-boyfriend works but if i worked there then how come… oh never mind.

i think she doesnt like those stories because she knows that they probably wont include mentions of her. and people like to get mentioned.

hi girl.

cubs won yesterday. linda says she likes it when i mention the cubs. cubs won. milwaukee coulda put houston away in the 8th but instead they gave up a frickin three run home run to tie it and then they gave up another run in the 9th to lose it so houston won making them tied with the cubs going into todays play.

but you know what astros, you barely beat milwaukee. that means you suck. that means the cubs will destroy you. that means the cards will definitely destroy you. my only hope is they dont sweep your ass.

hi houston.

hi vending company that i want to work for.

hi cool girl from this mornings chat.

hi president of the usa who secretly likes it when i do photo essays dissing him.

hi karisa who im pretty sure im hanging out with tonight.

hi chris who i talked to last night who understands me in such an intense way that i dont know what to do.

hi people who read this.

hi.

mc brown always makes me jealous + sk smith always writes better than me + dirty fez is down with nwa