by tony pierce

part one of a continuing series

“Cheif Button Pusher”

tivoed the cubs yesterday.

huge pennant race.

cubs are playing games with my heart and yesterday they gave up a 5 run lead and then it started to rain at wrigley. and the game was past the 6th inning meaning it was official, so if the umps wanted to, if the rain didnt look like it was going to go away, the game could have been canceled and the cubs could have lost. because it rained.

its one of the more curious rules in baseball, that nature can be the ultimate decider of the end (and winner) of a game.

well, nature decided the outcome of my tivo recording, the rain stretched on for 49 minutes and my 3 hour recording ended with the cubs behind and the rain increasing.

tivo needs to know that the game isnt over.

and since i cant tell it that the game is over because im being tied up by two bubble gum popping motorcycle girls some one else needs to tell tivo that the game isnt over.

tivo needs to be, omg, watching the games. a live person. oh no. needs to be employed.

and that live person needs to be able to extend the period of time that my tivo records live games whose most interesting and valueable moments are usually right at the end.

when i record a sporting event, there should be a pop up that asks, “would you like for us to keep recording if the game runs longer than the estimated time?”

and if you press yes, then it would be one guy who sends a signal to tivos that will keep the boxes going until the game is over.

and if it wipes out everything that i have, fine.

very few games are 40 hours.

start this test with the directv tivo owners.

i bet directv would be someone who would want exclusive rights to something like this since it would be a reason to have a dish rather than cable.

and you know what,

i bet i would accept the job as the guy who watches the games and presses the button when they go to long, and then presses the button when theyre over.

and i bet i only ask for two or three interns to help me.

cubs came back to win 7-6.

you’d think my tivo would have known by now that i might have been interested in seeing that, since i tivo anything cubs.

instead it recorded a cartoon on the cartoon network.

and i bet you could get a fifty cents extra a person a month for this feature, as an add-on, and i bet a million people would sign up for it.

and i bet i wouldnt even charge you close to a half million dollars a month to be cheif button pusher.

cubs are a game out of first place.

happy birthday aaron + mc brown at seybold + listen missy

im worried about what to write on here. not worried really. apprehensive. i double think. fuck that. lets rock.

two hot chicks picked me up from work last night and drove me home and etc and how come raymi gets to walk around naked and bunnie gets to tell you every.thing. and i cant tell you about these girls and how they wanted to do everythingbut but we needed to go to the tsar show and we knew it started early and one of the girls sorta didnt want to go and i was all like youre out of your mind im not even going to discuss that because its like wait a minute are you crazy?

and she lifted up her skirt right there and why can raymi talk about this stuff but i cant. i know theres a reason. is it reverse sexism? is it cool for a hot chick to say i pushed him against the wall ripped his clothes off threw him to the ground and banged the hell out of him but can a guy write that.

no.

what guy is blogging that right now to critical appeal.

should we forget about critical appeal.

of course we should forget about rotten assed critical appeal.

critical appeal just might have been why elvis costello stopped making great records after blood and chocolate.

perhaps if he never had critical appeal and was always trying to get it, or even better, resigned to never getting it, he would have been more creative, more punishing, less conceited.

ive never had two girls before. had three but thats way different. way.

and since nothing in here is true we got to tsar late. late. and only heard two songs. two. and the girls didnt care. didnt. drove me to the nearby tommys we ate chili burgers. one of us didnt because she had never had chili before.

she had never had chili before.

22 years old, rich, yet never had chili.

asked me what was in it.

maybe she was kidding.

i dont know, meat, smooshed tomatoes. how do you describe tommys burgers chili to a girl who cant wait to take you back home immediately to finish what was so innocently started with a trip to le pleasure chest where it was decided that everyone had to leave with two purchases delivered in fake foreign accents.

being 109 years old ive heard my fair share of fake foreign accents, and must say that i was impressed by both of the young ladies and their ability to not only mimic the tongue but successfully complete the transaction with only one hysterical outbreak of giggling.

i was quickly outnumbered when my front door was bolted when we arrived at the hollywood crashpad and whereas my pleasure chest finds were intended to bring pleasure i was stunned to discover that theirs were for restraint, submission and regret.

who would have expected that with two girls with cat collars who i had just met off the internet.

one who had just had her first french fry scooped into a layer of chili

which she found delicious.

of course.

like

duh.

flink + lauren + bitter girl