is that so bad? i dont want to fight crime any more, or kiss girls any more, or take everyones paychecks in craps any more. at least not any more today. i just want to write.

i want to be away from here. but i dont have a car. i dont have a plane. i dont have chopper one because its getting a new deck. i dont have a skateboard. i dont have a pogo stick. i dont have a dream girl in a foreign land who can wait like ten seconds for me to get to her. i dont even have a pocketful of mischief. i need a weekend but im not even going to get that cuz the emmys are in town and all the coppers are going to be at the shrine and all the bad guys are going to be everywhere else and where theres bad theres the xbi and where theres the xbi theres me in the shadows telling people what to do. the field general. the qb. the master of puppets. the bullet in blue sky.

i dont want to be doing this any more. even though its exciting. even though its nice to know everything thats going on in this fair city at all times. even though it means that we can read your emails and listen to your phone convos and see through your house and xray vision through your frankie bs. all i want is a light at the end of the tunnel and if its a bud light im going to hurt someone.

i want i dont want i want i dont want. i sound like a baby. im not a baby. im someone who thought everything was going to be one way and then it turns out to be the total opposite, as in total as in toe tall. my buddy saw the black flag renuion at the palladium the other day and i had to pretend that i wasnt there but i was. and he told me that he booed and i told him that i woulda booed too. how can you have a black flag reunion in hollywood at the palladium and there be no rollins and no keith morris. you remember how great i told you keith was at sunset junction with the circle jerks.

twenty seven fifty and no rollins and no morris isnt punk rock, its reason to start a riot. and in my day thats exactly what we woulda done. especially if the palladium was involved. i remember so many fights there. one during the beasties run dmc grand master flash tour where there were fights before the show during and after. someone even stole grandmaster flashs shoes and after the show mike d had to get on the mic get get on the mic and say will whoever stole grandmaster flashs adidases please throw them back on the stage. and stuff was thrown but not that.

shit. they had just given us the right to party!

best part about chopper one being grounded and me having to work the field is that i dont have to shower. or shave. its my gameface. if im going to be walking around, not riding in a car, but walking, lurking, scheming, plotting, i like to be stinky and dirty and filthy and sweaty. i like to look like those around me on western avenue. i like to drink a little so i have some rum on my breath. that way when i ask someone where paco is they will think im one of them instead of one of us and they point to a half closed gargage door and i notice the tagging and i say, duh, of course.

sixth street loco lords.

you dont want to kick down a door smelling of dove. you want to kick down the door smelling of hate. its good to piss your pants sometimes. just a little bit. its good to wear shoes that have paint sprinkled on them so it looks like you stand outside of home depot in the dawns early light leaning up against a brick wall and rushing any car van or suv. its good to have stubble. its good to wear a three for ten dollar tshirt. its good to blend in. and its better to win.

we found our bad guy and he was watching fraternity life on mtv and all the shit was right next to him and his homies werent ready and we got them all and one of the guys wanted to shoot someone to send a message and i said paco my buddy wants to shoot somebody tell us who we should shoot and paco looked at his guys and the tension was unbelievable because the xbi doesnt fuck around and we have nobody to answer to but death and there hasnt been an xbi agent die since winter and it might have been one of us who did it so choose big man choose.

and paco looked to one of the guys and then at the other guy who was looking right at him and then at a third guy who was looking down showing his shaved head glimmering in the friday afternoon sunshine of thai town and then at another guy who was mumbling his prayers to himself cuz paco doesnt fuck around either full of tattoos almost all virgin marys amost all in spanish and almost all old and jailmade and he nodded his head at his buddy and we said him and he nodded and we said say his name and paco looked away and said the guys name and we said are you ready and the guy said softly fuck you paco man.

and we squeezed the trigger

and paco fell

and the others are now our bitches.

and i totally want a slurpee.

trueboy + j_e_g + rabbit

i did what i had to do she rang me and between sniffles asked somewhat hypothetically, tony, how many ways can a broken heart split.

i told her that the cubs could start losing, i told her that her stocks could drop, i could tell her that her looks could fade, i told her that her heel could break.

she said stop, please, stop.

i told her that her credit cards could get revoked.

i told her that her nails could chip.

i told her that her ass could get fat.

she said, enough.

i told her that her sister could get even prettier.

i told her that the paparazzi could ignore her, or worse, become mean.

i told her that this could have all just been a dream.

she asked why would they be mean?

i asked her why she was broken hearted and she said cuz of a dumb boy and i said what did he do and she said he said he didnt want me to be his girlfriend

and i said why did he say that and she said cuz he said that we were the wrong sign and i said hmmm well if youre the wrong sign youre the wrong sign and she started crying

i hate when girls cry.

especially when its all my fault.

so paris hung up and i called her back a few minutes later and she said what and i said paris and she said what and i said nevermind and she said no comeon what and i said you’ll find a way better man than me dont worry and she said everyone thinks im a skanky ho nobody is going to want me

and i said they dont think that and she said yes they do! they tell me that in email form all the time.

and i said, not everyone understands that stepping out of a limo in a short skirt no panties is the new black, and she said why do you make me fall for you with every word that rolls off your tongue tonypierce.com and i said i’ll be your boyfriend if i can also date your sister and she said gross and i said just for one night and she said shuttup and i said see we all have a line that we wont cross and she said i cant believe you

and then she started to laugh

and she said wait you were kidding right

and she laughed some more.

and then she told me that she would be over for lunch, for me to be ready at noon.

and after she hung up i wondered how does a man get ready for lunch.

but i think i know what she meant.

raymi + anti + jaime

make hellaaide.

sonny came over with a girl that i thought i knew but i didnt. then i realised i did. i forgot her name which is scary cuz i went out on not one date once upon a time but two with her. she sat there with her legs crossed and teeth showing looking at me the whole time and then finally after we were all done watching survivor and eating our hot fudge sundae featuring microwaved heated real hot fudge starring broken up peanuts sprinkled around the top and whipped cream, thank you, she said we saw lost in space the movie together that one night in anaheim and i said no shit. and then she said that we went to golf n stuff in ventura the next week and i said how could i forget. and she said, i wont ever.

ive got five more minutes to write you this morning. another flash from the past called me once they were gone, almost like people know what theyre doing. do you remember that episode of twilight zone where the aliens mess with peoples lights on the street? just the lights. they flick some on, and flick some off. some of the neighbors say whats going on that we have light and they dont. and the other neighbors say what do they have. and then they all start distrusting and getting all weird and in reality it was just the aliens. remember that one? that ones my life but instead of lights the aliens have hot chicks call me and come over and send gift boxes with varieties of cheese and the aliens try to figure out when im going to crack but all that ends up is i have discovered every type of cheese and you know what aliens

i fucking love cheese so keep switching on and off the bullshit all night long cuz this spaceman isnt ever gonna crack cuz this is my h0metown and im almost a hundred and ten and ive seen everything.

then ashley of all people called me and we actually talked for longer than we’ve talked in months and months and months and she sounded good and at one point she started to cry and she said im so sorry and i said if you cry im hanging up and she stopped and i wanted to tell her to listen to teenage fanclub but i’ll save that for a later day like maybe christmas.

in the middle of the night my red phone rang. thats the xbi. thats my boss. thats right i said 4am. he said i didnt have to come in tomorrow and do you know what that is. thats code for things are fucked up in the office be careful arriving. and do you remember when that xbi guy disappeared and we were nervous that he was ratting everyone out and we couldnt find him. well we found him.

yesterday.

and theres trouble at the heron house.

and when the lord gives you trouble.

mix it with gasoline.

and say yr prayers.

and this morning as i closed my thermos, i gave it one more tighter turn than i normally do.

cuz the shits going down today.

and somebodys gonna feel it.

and it just might be me.

virginia is for cubfans + chuck knows how to compliment a man + ewing blog