which meant today i had to use the vending machines.

i always wonder what i will do when i retire from the xbi and most agents barely make it past 30, so to be 109, 110 in a month and a half, is pretty outrageous.

today i think i want to work for a vending machine company.

hopefully one of those japanese ones that have like 5,000 slots.

vending machines are nice. especially when theyre full of good stuff.

this morning i ended up with a minute maid apple juice and a two-pack of hostess cupcakes. except they werent hostess, it was some knockoff brand.

what i wanted was a bagel or a croissant or a muffin, which apparently is impossible here in southern california in the year 2003.

vending machines should be able to give me fresh fruits, a wide variety of juices and sodas, sandwiches, microwaveables, even magazines and baseball cards. and yet they dont.

the other day i met a guy who looked like elvis and i axed him if i could take his picture and he said no (pictured). i think he was afraid that i would do something freaky to the picture.

the other day i was chatting with a college student who said that she liked me because i didnt come across as a stranger.

i am a stranger though. and im strange. and im almost always happy which is strange. except recently i have hated my commute to work and being at work and you know what im going to stop complaining about it because its not making me happy and nothing good ever happens from complaining.

the other day i was on the phone with an amazingly hot girl who did things to me, oh man, that i cant even get into any details about right now because i dont even truly know what happened but it was porn, straight up. anyway she said she doesnt like the xbi stories that i write.

do you guys not want me to write about my superhero job?

sadly its the closest to the truth that i write in here.

very strange.

i think she doesnt like it because she thinks i work somewhere else. not somewhere else, actually, she knows exactly where i work, i dont think she knows that i dont work for where she thinks i work which is where her friend’s ex-boyfriend works but if i worked there then how come… oh never mind.

i think she doesnt like those stories because she knows that they probably wont include mentions of her. and people like to get mentioned.

hi girl.

cubs won yesterday. linda says she likes it when i mention the cubs. cubs won. milwaukee coulda put houston away in the 8th but instead they gave up a frickin three run home run to tie it and then they gave up another run in the 9th to lose it so houston won making them tied with the cubs going into todays play.

but you know what astros, you barely beat milwaukee. that means you suck. that means the cubs will destroy you. that means the cards will definitely destroy you. my only hope is they dont sweep your ass.

hi houston.

hi vending company that i want to work for.

hi cool girl from this mornings chat.

hi president of the usa who secretly likes it when i do photo essays dissing him.

hi karisa who im pretty sure im hanging out with tonight.

hi chris who i talked to last night who understands me in such an intense way that i dont know what to do.

hi people who read this.

hi.

mc brown always makes me jealous + sk smith always writes better than me + dirty fez is down with nwa