i would like it to come and go quickly, and id like my neighbors dog to shut the fuck up.

but as for gifts, im good. my tivo records everything i need. me and solomon just upgraded my computer. my bike needs to be fixed, but i suppose that can wait.

my stereo could be better, i could have a flat panel monitor, everyone who reads this could buy blook II and make me feel like a stud.

i guess i could use some new clothes but the ladies dont even notice clothes when you have the right attitude.

my mom offered to get me a stacking washer + dryer a few years back, that thing could come in handy nowadays.

maybe a new space heater wouldnt suck. mines about 10 years old.

i still havent gotten madden.

but i dont need anything.

i wouldnt mind a girl who understood me. a borderline nympho, exhibitionist tendencies. a life wish. addicted to lingerie and saying ok.

but i havent found that category on ebay.

i did find some new Christmas Story toys. infact, the kid who got his tongue stuck to the flag pole (pictured) will even autograph the re-released DVD, apparently that film is 20 yrs old this year.

anyways, they have four action figures you can get.

the best one is you can get the kid, flick. he comes with the flag pole so you can recreate that magic movie moment as often as you want.

you can get the leg lamp if you want. authorized.

and of course, there is the lunch box. autographed.

ebay has the christmas ornaments for you, the bobbleheads, boxers, as they should.

but what home is complete without the leg lamp light set?

and what laser disc collection is worth it’s salt without this twelve inch bad boy?

i just want to know why no one on ebay is selling this chestnut, starring the flag pole kid.

planet sara + makeout city+ leahs first audblog post

last night while i was passed out and they went straight for the garage and cracked open the soda fridge.

i caught them this morning trying to defrost some rib roast.

they flung feces at me, but i had some of my own and im a better shot.

fuckers.

corralled most of them before kickoff this morning but i think theres one around here hiding cuz i can smell cigarette smoke.

during their rampage they knocked over the tommy chong bong and got bongwater all over my computer and now my box needs its button pushed and held before it will turn on.

and no, im not talking about clipper girls cousin.

so i tried to burn my porn real quick off my hard drive just incase this thing has a short thats dying to pop and fritz out this whole mo fo and the computer shut off about 5 minutes into the burn, so this might be my last dispatch till tomorrow.

this all might be karmic payback for not picking up the phone when the 90 year old landlady called.

it was her on tuesday who the firetrucks and ambulance was for.

on thanksgiving day she called me while i had a fork full of hot steamy soul food and she wouldnt tell me why but insisted that i come over.

i did.

she said her backdoor was open and unlocked.

gross.

got over there and she had me adjust her pillows.

she had locked herself inside her room. instead of a bedroom door she had a screen door. it was ripped by the handle so she could lock it from her side but if someone needed to come in they could slip their hand through the rip in the screen.

she really isnt that crazy.

she told me she was making a will, what did i want.

i told her i wanted some of her mothers original paintings.

she said, which ones. i said the ones youve been looking at all these years, and i pointed to the ones behind me.

there was a totally uneaten can of wet cat food on top of a table. it had been mushed at a little, and its consistency was sagging so at a quick glance it looked like a heap of shit on a plate. but it was just cat food.

her cat cowered beneath the table.

the place smelled of piss and she told me that she couldnt walk any more, that it was right where her left front pocket would be if she wasnt wearing a housecoat.

she said she couldnt walk anymore and showed me a little trash can where she said she would probably use

she said her new girl was black and good but wouldnt be around until monday

she said her doctor was out of town until monday and he had left the number to the doctor who was going to cover for him, but she didnt remember his name.

she asked if i was going to be in town this weekend.

i lied and said no.

just then the phone rang. it was her best friend in illinois. she had told me about him before. she said hi cliff to him and told him to call her later and he slowly said that he would.

i looked around. i liked her place.

she told me to go look in the living room for anything else that i would want.

she had old records, great old books. i wanted everything.

i returned and she told me to make sure i had closed the screen door in the living room.

i told her all i wanted was this old book of mark twain stories.

she said, is that it? that i had been so nice to her.

i hadnt been so nice.

she bought me a chocolate tort once.

she had me write down the numbers of people like this animal rescue guy who she wanted all the left over stuff to go to.

she wanted him to have most of her money cuz she loves animals.

good thinking, i told her.

she called a few hours later. i didnt answer. she knows a lot of people.

she also knows 9-1-1.

she said her biggest fear was what would happen to her cat.

when she called 9-1-1 on tuesday they told her that they would have to take her to the hospital. she said what about my cat, they said who cares about your cat.

so she didnt go to the hospital.

next day she realized that the animal rescue guy would take care of her cat.

i know if i promised her that i would take care of the cat she would give me everything that she has, records, books, new tv, 100 year old original american art that really is good

cases of ensure.

but i dont like cats.

even mellow ones who pretty much just hang out.

i barely like monkeys.

verbungle + dc + the time for pants

competition since the times is ignoring it?

its two pm. im eating a mcrib tv dinner. im scared of the leftovers from last nights thai fiesta with rosalita.

im wondering seriously about playboy online. wondering if they would hire me.

id cover the miss world competition for them if they wanted.

here we are at the miss world pageant in sanya china, a southern island of hainan

hey how many virgins in sanya

hey none

the winner of the “beach beauty” competition was this comely redhead, rosanna davison, center, miss ireland who was all, thats right bitch.

daughter of the scary brit 80s singer chris de burgh “lady in red” “dont pay the ferryman”

106 of the most beautiful girls in the world are here, playboy.

and every single one of them has a story to tell.

thank you for sending me here.

its very warm.

cokes cost two dollars.

they dont have diet coke they have coke lite.

so you go, two coke lites please and they say four dollars please

so you give them five.

why not.

i came in third in the mens competition.

fyi.

for your ass.

flagrant + kzug + palm trees

nothing i like better than a blonde model marrying a young black millionaire. but hasnt kobe taught you anything about marrying young?

i know shes hot. and im sure shes wonderful. it dont matter.

you need to check yourself bro.

how many majors have you won this year while youve been diddlin this’n?

zip.

shes no good for you.

even your crazy old man knows it.

“Let’s face it, a wife can sometimes be a deterrent to a good game of golf,” Earl Woods said regarding the announcement of his son’s engagement.

unless youre willing to say, “im tiger woods and i dont give a fuck about golf any more, all i care about is this blonde, all blonde, swedish piece of ass,” then stanford didnt teach you shit.

i cant even imagine how hot that might be.

in a bikini

slippin into the hot tub after you just came in third and only get to cash a $77,000 check.

better luck next week.

but you do not have to marry that shit.

i wanna marry that shit. trust me. you can wanna marry it. just dont marry it.

23

she can still get a discount on eurail passes

your girl was a nanny a few years ago.

you dont marry the nanny.

not before you break

all

the records in golf

black man.

excuse me, but wasnt that the deal you signed when you sold your soul to nike?

no way do you get the money, a few records, and the girl.

people need to know that this wasnt a fluke.

so im sorry but i cannot be the minister at your wedding.

win ten tournaments in a row

win a tournament in a koofi

or better yet, win one in a dress

and then i’ll let you marry that supra hot girl you got there.

maybe the hottest player’s wife around.

but until i can say something like, a black man not only won the masters but won it in a dress so fuck you all, then youre going to have to win a few hundred more tournaments

before you game totally goes to hell.

so, easy tiger

you know how many nannys wanna marry me too

we cant have you turning into pooh

big dumptruck + holiday snowglobe + sean bonner + liljeqvist

but i like the counterculture. the punk rock undercurrent. the against the grain subsector.

youd think id dress differently, but nah. im not that cool.

today is buy nothing day. im not sure why youre not supposed to buy nothing but i think it has something to do with the fact that today is the biggest shopping day of the year.

and about fucking up the program.

interestingly, this year i actually have something that im selling, and buy nothing day makes me wonder if im trying to sell so many that i get rich, or am i simply trying to offer something cool to people?

either way, i dont plan on buying anything today.

radio shack had dvd players for $49 with $20 rebates, but generally you get what you pay for, especially there.

when shack is part of your name shit better cost $29 after rebate.

i watched the hot chick this morning on my tivo. i laughed out loud about eight times. maybe nine.

why didnt the media tell me the hot chick was funny?

damn media.

all the things you people say drudge tells you, did he ever tell you that the hot chick was pretty good?

what about andrew sullivan?

for years i wondered why the busblog was relatively popular, and now im starting to figure out why.

cuz those losers you allegedly read dont tell you anything, really.

dont read drudge today day.

g-man + adbusters + the fat guy

hi tony, hows it hanging?

pretty good, i got three parades and a football game on, its thanksgiving morning, and im watching martha stewarts living.

oh really, since when do they let accused felons on tv?

well, blook II, they let rush back on the radio and hes in the middle of a floridian drug ring.

so how come they didnt show michael jackson’s tv special on cbs?

i dunno, cuz hes black?

tony, hes not black.

seems to me cbs is just making another in their series of f-ups. first they pulled The Reagans over to showtime, and now they’re shelving what would probably have been the most-watched michael jackson special of all.

i think youre drinking some powerful rum, nobody wants to watch a child molester grab his crotch.

true my inanimate friend, but people love controversy, and train wrecks, which is why they’ll watch paris hilton on tuesday, which, if you notice, fox didnt pull off the air even after it was revealed that their star had sex!

today is thanksgiving tony, and i gotta say, im thankful for paris hilton.

im with you there, blook II.

hey can you turn the channel to nbc, that dumbass band Simple Plan, the one where the guy whines about being a dick, addicted to you are on tv, in the macys day parade.

looks like theyre on a float with two m&ms on it.

is this an ad for m&m’s?

no, blook II, it’s a parade.

hold on, katie couric is about to introduce them

katie: “say hello to hollywood cuz theyre going hollywood on the m&ms network balloon, furnished by m&ms chocolate candies. who can ever forget the red m&ms character and his famous award acceptence speech? ‘you like me, you really do like me.’ and thats no hollywood hype, both the red and yellow m&ms characters (stumbles because shes reading) have been superstar sweets for half a century.”

matt lauer: “katie, getting in on the act, a group whose new d- dvd (stumbling, hes reading too) featuring the smash hit “addicted” is in stores even as we march. it’s time for the exciting punk rock rhythms of simple plan.”

hey tony.

yeah blook II.

kill me now please.

me first, buddy.

are you thankful for anything this year?

dude, im thankful for everything this year.

like what, youre obviously not happy with your job, you dont have a car, your cubs broke your fucking heart this year and then showed it to you while it was still beating, you havent had a steady girlfriend for years, youre ugly, your breath stink, dirty dishes in your sink, your apartments cold, your carpal isnt all that much better, and youre old. and youre ugly.

ok you said that already. first of all, fuck you. secondly this year my hits increased by 10 per cent.

a whole ten percent? stop the presses!

funny you bring that up, blook II, this year the LA Times said i was the most entertaining blog in LA.

suddenly youre jockin the times?

also, i love my job. so shut up.

youre just saying that cuz they yelled at you for saying that you hated your job.

didnt i tell you to shut it?

… yes.

fuck, man.

im sorry.

it’s the only job i have, bro. chill.

well, you are ugly, and theres nothing to be thankful for for that.

sure there is, i could be as ugly as you.

yeah, whats up with my cover? are people buying me?

sure, sales are great.

well, maybe theyd buy more if there was a better cover.

whats wrong with the cover?

i just think people would rather see something like a pretty girl on your cover than your junky sad closet.

but thats where i write you.

and hi, is that bong next to your computer?

it’s a tommy chong bong, i burn my incense in there.

you’re less punk rock, tony, than simple plan.

im just representing, bro.

put a picture of karisa on my cover?

no, karisa doesnt want to be famous.

how about ashley?

nah, she doesnt want me anymore.

what about your true love?

blook II isnt about my true love, its about going to hell with kurt cobain, dating cheerleaders, riding a bus, fighting the good fight, and working for the xbi.

people dont like your xbi stories, tony.

theres not that many in there.

put a picture of christina aguleria on the cover.

all her pictures are copywritten. id have to pay the photographer or the publisher or someone tons.

what about paris hilton?

same thing. copyrights and stuff. but id love to have paris hilton on your cover.

what about if you put paris hiltons face on christina agueleras body and called it art.

and if i did that you think more people would buy you?

yeah.

ok youre stupid. and it wouldnt be art.

hmmm. what if you got a screen grab from her sex video. is that copywritten?

interesting.

it would be pornographic though, huh?

not if i took a frame where you cant see anything except her face.

ok, why dont you work on that.

ok, i might.

and why dont you keep the presale going for another week, a lot of people took this week off and will be bummed if they missed the suprise presale.

ok. cool. no problem.

awesome, tony. rock on dude.

blook, you rock on as well.

youre still ugly.

i know… i know.

blook II presale until 12/7 + excerpt + jason sutter

and then head out into some hollywood bars and guess what my answer is?

is the day before thanksgiving national be gay day? arent you gay by default if you dont want drunk hot girls to come over and watch “wild on…” and get drunker on the first night of four days off?

you know what it is. its work. i give everything at work. i wake up early. i dont take breaks. i eat at my desk. i walk fast everywhere. i fly fast everywhere. i answer the phone on the first ring. I dont use a signature on the bottom of my emails. i hustle. some people talk shit but those people are haters, but they tire me out too.

so when i get home i just want to soak in the hottub, drink my rum, watch the lakers and cruise the internet.

and these are wild girls. high energy. im pooped, i only have vodka, rum, amaretto, wine, and the high life, and i only have one couch. where will people sit?

welcome to my nightmare.

shit. i only have two wine glasses.

theres a minute left in the third period and they just took out karl malone and the audience applauded him because the lakers are up by 25 and he probably wont be playing any more tonight.

shaq isnt even in the house and theyre creaming the bullets, i mean wizards.

anti is my hero + evan ames teaches us that you cant get a tattoo in oklahoma + are you people aware that amy is taking great pictures almost every day of nyc + i downloaded firebird today because i read that the ward was using it + blook ii wont have pictures but if it did it would look like this + sublog doles some audblog shoutouts + every time bunnie posts the internet smiles + get well, mindy + raymi wrote eight very short sentences today and they were all better than any of mine, and yesterday she got naked for our asses

and here at the xbi it means Go Home at 2pm Day.

fun part is you have to do at least one thing really good if you want to leave at 2pm, so this morning some guy made breakfast for everyone. this one lady is giving everyone 10 minute massages, this one woman brought in brownies.

it’s quite festive.

hardly any gunplay.

if im lucky i will get to spend a romantic night tomorrow night with my truest. shes a little under the weather so i might just have to suprise her with a turkey dinner that i will order from the Pantry and bring over to her. might rent a car this week. might not do squat. might sit around in my foul stench and listen to todays sounds and think up tv commercials that wont ever air on tv.

this morning there were two firetrucks and an ambulance outside my cabana. anytime i see that i worry about my 89 year old landlady. i imagine she had a heart attack or something. i never know why the fire trucks need to be there. all it will be is a dead old lady in her old lady bed.

am i bad to wonder why shes hanging in there? the owner took her garage and didnt lower her rent. she drinks rubbing alcohol by the bottle. her sheets smell of wee.

i get her chocolates and she just melts them down cuz she cant chew.

how fucked up are things when you cant even chew chocolate.

sometimes i worry that the things i will write in here will get back to people, but im not worried about this getting back to her because no one talks to her cuz shes racist and wants to be a scientologist, but i do cuz she cracks me up.

shes afraid the owner will kick her out if she complains.

i tell her if the owner kicks her out he will be exposed on tv and become very embarrassed.

shes lived where shes lived for 45 years.

i hope she didnt die last night.

in her sleep.

with her cat waiting for the kibbles n bits to get poured into a bowl that says Dusty.

an excerpt from blook ii

see thru skin + low culture + sk smith

last year nobody believed me when i said that i was the worst brother in the world.

they thought just because i write a little blog and save the world and do things like announce on here that it’s my sister’s birthday that i must be ok. im not so ok. a few months ago she flew me out to chicago so we could throw a surprise for my mom’s birthday and did i send my sister a birthday card or a gift last week? no. the card is still in my backpack and the gift is still on my dining room table.

im a bad brother.

im so bad that i will now reprint what i wrote about my sister last year.

maybe that will show you.

today is my sister’s 25th birthday. trust me when i tell you that it’s not easy being my little sister.

throughout the years i did things like chase her around with knives, i threw her keys on the roof of the house, i vandalized her posters and magazines, i may have killed one of her dogs, hid a variety of things, listened in on a few conversations of her talking to her friends to find out if they had crushes on me, and continually lobbied to my mother that she was being far too generous with her. normal brother stuff.

but the worst thing i did was get born. and worse, i did it a year before she did.

i steamrolled through elementary school, junior high, and high school like a tornado. every teacher, student, and principal knew my name and either totally hated my ass or fell in love. and because we didn’t look very much alike, people would constantly say, “you’re tony’s sister?”

what little kid wants to be known just as somebody’s sister? especially when she was an angel and i was far from that.

angie and i could not be more different. i was super good at sports and terrible at getting good grades, my sister was an honor roll student and a cheerleader. because of that there were a lot of clashes within the pierce household, and when my mom got a stereo the common war zone was the living room and the soundtrack was ac/dc’s back in black, which angie got for a gift and which i instantly purloined and cranked as loudly as possible every day for many years while she practiced her flute.

if there was a career in how to torture your sister i would be a zillionaire. i believe there were incidents of locking her into basements, closets, neighbors houses, cop cars. i remember certain moments where fellas would come over to court her and i told them they were at the wrong house. and of course there were the firefights.

and yet my sister stuck by me. probably because i never narced on her during some of the many stealth parties that she threw when my mom was out of town. and i was always there to protect her in the shadows of school, like any brother. not that she needed my protection, there was very little that anyone could have done to torture her that she didn’t experience in the safety of her own home.

years later my sister met the man of her dreams. and the funny thing was, i liked him right away. dave is mild mannered, smart, patient and still calls my mom mrs. pierce. thats respect. they bought a huge house. filled it with all the animals that angie loves, comfy couches, pretty much everything that she had in the barbie dreamhouse that i turned x-rated and then lit on fire but now it was full-sized and wonderful.

so what has my sister done lately? no offense to my friends with kids, but she and dave brought to the world the cutest little girl in the world. kyla joanne (pictured). when we were in aruba this summer, kyla never cried. it was amazing. i dont know what they put in her bottle but all that little girl ever did was look at you and smile and point at you and hold your finger and laugh. if she closed her eyes and started to get irritated, my sister and my brother in law knew exactly what to do. it was crazy. full on esp. they should write a book.

so heres to my sister, bears fan, bulls fan, cubs fan, def lepard fan. her first concert, with me, was the jackson five, but then i think her second one was rick springfield at great america. if i was a good brother and ever called her, id know.

happy 25th angie. i love you so very much. i love that you call mom “mother”, i love that you still live in the silly suburb that we grew up in. i love that you are your own person and nothing like me and a much better soul. and i love that you are my sister.

kylas first day