23rd birthday. a long time ago we were in college together. i think we dated for two or three weeks and then broke up but i chased her for years trying to get her back.

it was sorta like that tv show “moonlighting” and i was bruce willis and she was cybill shepherd. except hotter. and into punk rock. me, i was just a dope.

throughout the years we write together, went to concerts together, experimented with mind altering situations together, held hands A LOT, and even kissed a few times. we also played grunge on the college radio station together. at the time it was the next big thing. i cant imagine anyone better to do those things with.

as ive said a zillion times, i had the greatest college experience i could ever imagine. one of the classes i had was called Diaries and Letters. we read the diaries and letters of Vincent Van Gogh, James Joyce, Charles Darwin, and many others, but we also kept diaries, printed out five days worth on mondays and read and discussed each others on mondays and wednesdays.

this was well before the “Internet” existed.

the class was incredible, and oddly, it was perfect training for this little blog that you’re reading today.

many moons ago i wrote this diary entry about the birthday girl about the first time that i asked her to be my girlfriend which i would like to share with you as it encapsulated me and aj’s hot and cold relationship with each other as it played out in the unbelieveable setting known as Isla Vista.

june 4

yo cubfans,

it started out as a pretty cool weekend. i was at home on friday minding my own damn business when i hear gentle footsteps run up the stairs and jump on my back. it was linda (the girl i had sex with last). so she hugs me and wants to kiss me, but im thinkin “oh no, im crazy about aj”. but me and linda turn each other on just by saying hello to each other, so pretty soon we’re on the couch grinding away and im saying, “oh no, linda, im crazy about this girl named aj.”

and linda rolls on top and says inbetween bites “who’s aj?” and i go “this girl i really like, so we better stop this.”

pretty soon we’re in my room and shes locking the doors and shutting the drapes and i’m not so sure about what i Should be doing. on one hand me and aj dont really have a set relationship that we’ve disccused, but on the other hand being Good has been working for me. so i tell linkda that we probably shouldn’t, but if you evre see this girl, or kiss her, or have her grabbin, my god, so i threw her in my closet and jumped on her and she goes, “i missed you tony” and i go, “oh fuck, somebody help me out and she goes, “so do you know how much sex we could have right now” and i go “oh fuck” and she goes “too bad im on the rag” and i say “Thank you God!” oh man He was there again to help weak morons like me.

i had a little league game i was coaching with welch in a few hours anyway, so we couldnt of had That much sex. maybe a lot. an hour and a half worth. which is a lot when youre doing it as hard and fast as possible. shes a girl who has unfortunately been cursed with an amazing body. half japanese which gets you those eyes that are so sensual and exotic and sexy and hmmm, and half american which explains the huge cans. combined most guys can only last a minute, so she tells her boyfriends to make that minute hard as hell. and fast.

now i dont want to brag. i have no business bragging, trust me. but i can last more than a minute. if it was a rodeo you should last six seconds on top of that naked bucking animal. its a lot like that as well with linda. ever see people go through their day and not eat and everything is fine and then suddenly theyre Completely Starving and they sit down order the food, wait and then completely devour their meal? ok its like that too. its also like a farmer who wants it to rain on his crops and not only does it rain but a tornado comes and hail and maybe a flash flood or two too. i usually wear a mouth guard and goggles when we have sex. as soon as i get a haircut im getting a helmet.

we wouldnt have had That much sex.

so i threw linda out and got ready and felt pretty rottenly guilty so i waled over to aj’s bestfriend’s house, this girl named sara, and i tell sara all about it and she said that i should talk to aj about if she wants a “relationship” or not. and i go “oh fuck”. the truth is, and everyone knows it, all i want is one girl and i want it to be her, but that word is such a weirdo one, especially since we sorta just started and i dint want to seem too possessive or anything. so during the game old aj and her friend rachel show up and that was nice, but aj lookd dazzeling and i could barely believe that i was on top of another girl only a few hours ago: what was i thinkin? you know, i even forget what she was wearing, but she looked so pure, so good.

later that night she was typing up a paper and i was reading bukowski’s hollywood which os let me borrow and i call up old aj and ask if i can read at her place while she typed. she said sure so i brought over some smart cookies and we had some milk with em and talked about rock and roll and stuff and she typed and i read until about 3:30am. her roomate still hadnt come home which made us think that we could push the single beds together, but i was sorta dozing off while she typed, and then her roomate came in, fuck, so aj got these pillows and a blanket and we went to her couch in the front room and slept out there but before we went to sleep i started mumbling about things and she said “what are you trying to say?”

and i got pretty scared and i said “you know, it’s sorta fun chasin a lot of girls, but it gets boring after a while and i know this is early, but right now i sorta just want one, and i’d like that one to be you.” and she was silent, as usual, and i said, “you know you dont have to say anything, i just wanted you to know that.” and she didn’t say anything and we went to sleep.

the next morning we had instant oatmeal and played sloshball. it was KCSB vs the Nexus. she played on KCSB’s team cuz she’s the Promotions Director starting in a few weeks. i played ok. made some fine defensive gems, got a hit (they had literally 30 people on the field, drinkin, so it was tough to get a hit) and they won 11-9. i was plastered. way plastered, so after we went and had some pizza and then went back to her house to finish her paper (i was proofreading it and reading Bu) and during study breaks we’d fool around a little and finally i said, “so what do you think? do you want me to see other girls or do you want me to just see you?” and she said “i dont care, you can see other girls if you want.” i felt pretty rotten inside. im prety insecure when i start really liking a girl and there it was.

all of a sudden she started showing me all of these pictures of her – modeling pictures. i didnt know she was a model. in the pictures she had lots of makeup on and pouted and posed and she looked just like very other blonde model in america and i sorta digusted me because she’s so much more than that: she skateboards, and writes great, and listens to metal for pete sake. but she said she likes it and likes acting too. oh well, i had her composite on my wall, but i took it down cuz it’s hard for me to think that it’s her. it’s not.

so that night i stayed at home and watched movies. i think i saw “how to get ahead in advertising” and “ghostbusters 2” they were both pretty good. i wasnt all that sad because somebody got me pretty stoned and in the midst of my stoneyness i thought, “fuck tony, if you could have it any way you want, youd have aj *and* linda, wouldnt you?” and i thought “yeah”. linda totally fulfils my id. shes insane and drives me crazy, but in a good way. aj’s not very passionate with me, and im sure i’d suffocate her if i was always around her and bug the shit out of her… so i thought, if i could still have aj and i had her permission to fuck the hell out of whoever i wanted, it seemed too good to believe and being drunk and stoned didnt help but after i had reviewed my notes i still came up with this answer:

Me x (AJ x X) = fuckinrad.

I was way burnt from all that thinking and the sloshball game so i retired early. sunday the Battle of the Bad was awesome. my favorite band there was the Long Haired Leaping Gnomes. they had tons of eggs thrown at them. i probably unloaded two dozen at them. they were terrible, and funny. and good.

then i skated over to the beach, campus point, and saw Double D Nose, these jewish rappers who were great, then i went back and saw the end of the battle. by that time i was completely drunk but i was also hot so i got another mickeys 40 ouncer and pounded it and before i knew it i had this one freshman chick crying on my shoulder asking to be held and this one girl (quite drunk) (an editor of the paper) flashed me a tit and winked. all at the park. quite amusing, so i went to see aj and she was being boring so i left and went home passed out or something. i forget and woke up and went to this hootenanny at gregs house and read a poem and drank. it was held outside at el cid park and it was beautiful. i called aj up after. it was beautiful out there and i sat on my balcony and looked at everything, the ocean, the moon, the sky, the nothing, and told her that i was rally glad that we were friends and the rest i forget, but i remember her saying that she was glad i called and i felt pretty good when i passed out again.

more about the birthday girl + three years ago she wrote Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men

with nearly all of my old girlfriends. I talk to my true love nearly every day. I talk to Ashley a little more than I’d like. I talk to Mary and Linda a bunch now which makes me happy. And all past negative issues with AJ are over and out now too, infact I think today is her 22nd birthday. Happy Birthday AJ!

One of them used to call me the baybay. i used to call her that too. she telephoned me last night to tell me about this trippy ass newage whatchamacallit Harmonic Concordance hoo-ha, that I as a devout Christian obviously scoff at.

But it inspired this email, which I asked if I could reprint, and she said yes, that in fact it might help her cause.

I have no idea why she would have these things in her list because she is a super cool, very smart, very talented, self-made woman who puts out and cooks like a dream.

But we all have our demons floating in our head, so if theres anything I can do to help her, I hope she remembers to ask.

Instead of putting up the picture of the star of david, I have chosen a photo of the Rolling Stones, biggest stars I know.

Next to her.

=====================

Hello the Baybay!! �

Like I was saying on the phone earlier, our Crazy Beautiful Magical Haitian Sex-Diva, a.k.a. Vilma from Florida, told us that there were certain things to do in order to more fully participate in the Universe�s HARMONIC CONCORDANCE which is kicking off right now, and will sort of crest over this next 24 hours.

One of the things she said to do was (before 5:00 pm! � I finished my list at just about that time, so, I hope it works!!)�to get a piece of paper and draw a big Star of David on it�(this refers to the fact that there are 6 �Heavenly Bodies� coming into a Sextile alignment for this next 24 hours�ostensibly forming the shape of the Star�those bodies being Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Charon (Pluto�s satellite) and�Venus maybe(??)�)

Ne way, you draw the Star of David and then under it, you make a list of all the negative and bad things you want to release from your life, so that you can be a better, happier Force of Love in the Universe!! This next few days is a very powerful time during which many Celestial forces are Aligning together as they each go along their own paths�illustrating the concept of the Collective Unconscious, or, if you prefer, GOD.

As in: we are ALL from GOD and GOD is all of us!! Yay!!

Well, here�s my list:

(picture Star of David here)

THINGS I WILL RELEASE FROM MY LIFE:

My sadness regarding my parents and their fears and lameness

My belief that I am not worthy of true, passionate, and devoted love

My dependence on drugs and alcohol

My fear of being alone

The void of sadness and misery

my acceptance of shitty relationships

my procrastination and �scatter-brained� ness

the habit of scattering my energies when I most need to be focused

my anger at humans

my anger at myself

my willingness to sacrifice myself and my happiness

my anti-social tendencies

my fear of not being loved

my frustration over not having what I want and deserve

my refusal to create what I want and deserve

——

and then it was 5:00 so I stopped. That�s plenty to work with for now anyway.

Oops�gotta run, see you Monday for sure if not sooner.

ILOVEUILOVEUILOVEUILOVEU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Me.

i would like to write a blog for you.

it will be the best two million bucks youve ever spent.

first thing id do is hire matt welch, ken layne, amy langfield, marc brown, os tyler, tim blair, ben sullivan, todd francis, jim lowney, and pat whalen to join me, and id give em each a one year contract for a hundred grand.

then we would start taking names.

a shit list, if you will.

dont get your ass on the shit list.

who’s on the list right now?

well, just this week, cbs oughtta be on the tippy top of your shit list, since theyve obviously outted themselves to being nothing more than the Al-Jazeera for the right.

and from what i can see, you dont give a fuck. whats up with that?

wheres your fuck cbs bumper stickers? wheres your fuck cbs thongs? wheres your fuck cbs condoms?

tap tap tap

hello.

is this thing on?

seems to me, and im just some jerkoff not really paying much attention, but it seems to me that you let those motherfuckers steal the election, you let them get us into this fucked up war, you let them shove the economy right into their assholes and shit it all over your faces, you let them re-do the gubernatorial election in cali and let a potsmoking groping son of a nazi take over, and now youre letting them control the television too?

are you people high?

and the weirdest thing is, bush has a pretty good chance of getting hired for another four years, not because he deserves it, but because you guys cant get it together.

exhibit a: those jokers in the picture up there.

you guys are having a terrible time beating a cokehead who has fucked up in pretty much every way possible and

as good as your haikus are, theyre not going to bring him down.

the dream team that i hyperlinked above will bring him down, and they’ll be expecting plush dc jobs in a year, so get ready.

and plan on tsar headlining the ball.

in the meantime, hand over the money, be prepared to register a url, pick a candidate, and get out of the way.

business as usual hasnt gotten you jack fucking shit.

and no offense, but you should be ashamed.

im ashamed for you.

one more thing. drudge, quit sending me flowers and contract offers.

i wouldnt make a blog for the right for ten million dollars.

and i know youre a ho, but i aint. i wouldnt make a blog for the rnc for a hundred million dollars.

believe that.

today is sunday, the holy day.

tony pierce would never make a blog for the republicans for $100 million dollars, not $200 million dollars, not even $300 million dollars. and thats a not a dare.

you people have fucked this country over in so many ways, starting with watergate and continuing to this very day. and you make deliverance pig noises when you do it.

youre completely full of shit. you dont care a fuck about the average american, and you really dont give a fuck about the presidency of the united states or else you wouldnt have pulled all the endless amount of gradeschool hes got cooties bullshit that you pulled for eight disgusting years. fuck you and your agendas and your dirty fucking money, i dont want it.

i would do it for a billion though.

cuz then i could buy the cubs and sign pudge and arod.

so there you have it, i guess i am a ho, since i have a price.

asswipes, im yours for a billion.

dems, your price is two mil.

ive never felt so dirty.

say yes,

tony

and told me that i was too punk rock for prime time, which is why nobody is offering me jobs to write blogs for them.

she said that even when im not saying motherfucker and shit and pussy i still have an edge that major decisionmakers would be a little nervous about.

and i knew what she was ment.

but then i said, jessica, is it less acceptable to write the things that i write in the way that i do it or be a dumb fake tittied bleach blonde who marries a boybander?

she blinked.

and then she said, are you talking about me?

i said no baby, i could see why people would want to pay you money for being cute and slow and lazy and shallow, and i can see why major companies like viacom and now abc would want to associate with you: because they think that you’re the type of young woman that

she said, excuse me.

i said, no really, ani difranco has sold shit tons of records basically out of her truck, but you dont even see her on mtv.

and then i woke up.

it was all a dream.

i hadnt gotten any email saying anything.

jessica simpson hadnt been talking to me

and when i turned on mtv, there was ani difranco singing one of her little songs.

such a righteous babe.

and the phone rang, and it was bill gates saying thanks for the offer to write a blog about him, but he was pretty shy and he really just wanted to focus on his job.

and i said, hey, its cool, thanks for the phone call.

and he said, no problem.

but the scary part is, i never gave bill gates my damn phone number.

and i hardly ever dream.

kill poets + filchboy + i would like to meet bunnie