the hassle of having a writing staff of monkeys

is theyre always pissed off at something. we were watching Average Joe last night and for most of the two hour finale they were going on and on about how all the guys shoulda been black or all of them shoulda had like ten inch schweens or lisps.

if you hadnt watched the show, basically it was about a hot model who thinks that she was going to be courted by 14-15 hot single men who she would vote off one by one until she found her true love. it turned out that the men were single, but they were less-than-average in the looks dept. half way through the show, however, the producers introduced three model-looking guys who competed for her attention versus the remaining men.

last night two men remained: the final average joe, and the last handsome dude.

the monkeys complained that it was obvious that the former cheerleader was going to pick the average joe, especially once it became known to her that he was a self made millionaire and was loved by all his friends and family and coworkers.

they screeched that like duh she was gonna pick the funny, sincere, normal one instead of the prettyboy who lived at home who became her bitch immediately while they ate their jerk chicken next to the sea.

they were so bored with what they thought was a sure thing that for the better half of the show they played cards, groomed each other, worked on their needlepoint, or secretly masturbated.

then when we least expected it she picked the pretty boy and youve never seen such pissed off primates.

one of them just stared at the box and said

what the fuck

over and over and over

like hed lost a bet or something.

like it was he who she passed over.

the television was quickly covered by angry banana and marlboro smelling monkey dung, then one of em threw a rocking chair at it, then it exploded and caught fire. the monkeys jumped up and down and started swinging from the chandeliers and showing their teeth but soon the smoke filled the small break room and those that didnt run out either became nauseous and pukey or simply passed out like a bum.

this morning they were still doing nothing but bitching about the show.

what were we to learn from that shit? one of them asked.

(typically one would remember the names of those who worked for one but not me, i call all the monkeys monkey and they all call me asswipe.)

are we to believe, he continued, that not money or personality or good jokes or normalcy or profesional success can trump a sissyboy from the oc?

he inhaled from his cigar stump, held it, and exhaled.

fuck them if thats what theyre trying to say to us and fuck the new average joe, the monkey spat as he watched previews of the next season of the show.

i could see his eyes close and his teeth clench and i was all dont you dare shit in your hand and throw it at that tv, thats my tv, if youre going to throw your shit at anything throw it at your tv which is now smoldering in your break room.

and he did.

tiffany + coyote at the great wall + sahalie

paris hilton was over last night.


good news and bad news about having paris hilton over to the house. good news is shes hot and she puts out. every time. bad news is she, as you now know from the video, is attached to her phone and it rings constantly.

as you can imagine when you start hanging out with someone like her, you dont really put your entire heart into it because you never know when its going to be over. but i try. she probably cant tell but i do try. my time isnt as valuable as hers, but it is mine, and sometimes im willing to share it with people. rarely. super rarely.

she reads the busblog and is always trying to figure out which parts are real and which arent and whos who and all that but she knows how much i leave out and a lot of times she thinks that i leave out all the real sex that im having and i tell her that im pretty much only having real sex with her and she went over to the floor of my bed and saw the used condom wrappers and said so all of these are just from us and i examined the evidence and said yep.

not sure if she believed me.

anyway, one way you can tell that i like you, and the only reason by the way that i think shes with me is cuz she thinks im the only person who actually really likes her for the right reasons and simultaneously doesnt like her for the right reasons, is if i show you whats on my tivo and whats in my record collection.

last night i was supposed to do laundry with her but instead we started drinking some of that trader joes three dollar wine and i started playing randy newman cds for her and showing her the great beginnings of movies and we watched and everything was going good. might have even been some cozy cuddling happening there.

then the phone rang.

omg the phone!

she sprang up and answered it.

the first time didnt bother me so much because i know about her friendship with nicole richie, but when it kept happening as we were watching the finale of average joe it sorta became tiresome to me. eventually she asked me if i was going to spend the night at her house and i said maybe.

then nicole called again around 9:30p and paris said, wait, bubba isnt there? he hasnt been there all night? ok, i’ll be there at 10, er, 10:30.

at this point i had retreated to the computer closet. body language is everything. there i was totally opening up to her, forgetting my responsibilites about laundry, the blog, the site, the xbi and instead of telling her friends tara and nicole to chill for a lil she kept picking up the damn phone and it was a total wet blanket.

so i wrote.

hot as that girl is, i dont really like the fact that her timetable is determined by her friends.

theres a reason the term cockblocker was coined.

but some people allow it to happen and they dont know sometimes that the guy is reaching out, it might not be reaching out in the way that they might be used to but it is. and it sucks when the good thing is fucked with.

and last night i was gonna ask paris to the xbi christmas dance cuz she has been good, but the phone rang again and i said forget it.

and id ask my true love but she’ll probably say no cuz shes smart and secretly im superlame.

operation gustation + resident jason + jeff mcmanus