Steph, Tell Me About Your Job

VBugn: my boss is crazy and there are crazy people running around

VBugn: they filmed a porn there one day

VBugn: and a rap video another day

VBugn: last night there were two fights

VBugn: and two different girls running around in see through shirts with no bras on

VBugn: and one night we got raided for underage drinking and all the bartenders got arrested for serving to minors, but I wasn’t a bartender yet

me: are you a bartender now?

VBugn: yeah

VBugn: cause the girls who got arrested didn’t want to work there anymore

me: why would two girls wear see through shirts and no bras?

VBugn: I don’t know they just were

VBugn: and they didn’t know eachother, it just happened that way

me: i hear miami can be quite nudey

VBugn: yeah there is a lot of it

me: do guys get nude too?

VBugn: South Beach is a topless beach, and there is an all nude beach a few miles up

VBugn: but as for walking down the street, I haven’t seen any naked boys, just girls

me: you said in your 100 Things that you were in a porn

me: was it the one you just wrote about?

VBugn: yeah I was an extra

me: were you naked?

VBugn: no i was bartending

VBugn: and trying to hide my face

steph and lolame: are underage drinkers good tippers?

VBugn: no

VBugn: but we don’t cater to the classiest crowd, so there aren’t a lot of good tippers

me: how long have you been bartending there?

VBugn: just since October

me: how often do you get hit on a night?

VBugn: asked for my number? About 10

VBugn: Told I am beautiful? Maybe 50

VBugn: It gets worse as the night goes on

VBugn: and I have learned that I can’t tell anyone that I have aboyfriend, cause then they stop giving me their money

me: you have a boyfriend?

me: interview over!

me: if you didnt have a live-in boyfriend, how many of those 10 guys a night would you give your number out to?

VBugn: Ohh none, cause one time I did give out my phone number, and I dont remember to who, but I am still getting harassing phone calls every weekend

VBugn: “Hey baby I want to lick your muff” type phone calls

VBugn: So I learned my lesson there

VBugn: and I got propositioned for a threesome by one table in VIP when I was doing bottle service

me: niiiice

VBugn: “My girlfriend wants to take you home with us”

me: were they hot?

VBugn: the girl was, but the boy had some long hair mullet type thing going

me: rejected because of his mullet

VBugn: someone should let him know

me: i thought half of miami still had mullets

VBugn: I think they progressed out of the eighties a few years ago

me: what are your work hours?

VBugn: from 10PM till five or six AM

VBugn: but by the time I leave I am generally pretty buzzed and we go out after

me: where can you go at 6am?

VBugn: Downtown they have afterhours clubs that are open till 2PM

me: thats insane

VBugn: one has a really fun outside room where you can go out and the sun comes up and they are blaring techno and its great

VBugn: yeah, kinda crazy

VBugn: but fun

me: whats been the best night for you working, tip-wise?

VBugn: I made about $300

me: very nice!

me: whats been the worst?

VBugn: Oh when we first opened

VBugn: We would have some nights when three people walked in the front door

me: what is bottle service? hustling people to see if they want bottles of champagne?

VBugn: yeah or bottle of vodka or anything else

VBugn: a bottle of Absolut goes for $180 plus 20% tip

me: how many bottles will people buy in a night?

VBugn: Um, a bunch? My girl Elaina does the bottle service and on a good night she will leave with around $500 or $600

VBugn: And we have some guys come in, friends with the owners, and they love to give away $100 tips at a time

me: meet any famous people?

VBugn: not at work, unless you count some no name rappers whose names i can’t remember

VBugn: and the porn stars, of course

me: nice

VBugn: I almost forgot, people ask me for drugs all the time at work- “Hey, bartender, do you know where I could get some E?”

VBugn: and someone from work brought me and one other girl to a swingers club with some super rich guys cause they needed girls to be able to get in

me: wow!

VBugn: and we immediately left, but still, I accompanied my coworkers to a swingers club

me: were the people normal lookin?

VBugn: My coworker stayed

VBugn: very normal looking

VBugn: you had to be in a towel

VBugn: and there were just people fucking, and other people watching and there was porn playing

VBugn: it was surreal
steph and lola
VBugn: and I was WAY too sober

me: your coworker must be insane?

VBugn: completely

VBugn: and married

VBugn: but he lives in the club during the weekends

VBugn: doesn’t have a house in South Beach, just lives in an office with his brothers during the weekends

VBugn: four of them in one office

VBugn: I remembered all this stuff while I was at work tonight and thought “Oh I Have to remember to tell Tony”

me: what if you walked into that swingers club with a disease?

VBugn: I don’t know

VBugn: I honestly don’t know. I looked around and ran back out the front door.

me: if you just wanted to get naked and join in would anyone have stopped you?

VBugn: nope

me: then that place is dangerous

VBugn: I think so too

me: ok, i think this concludes Tell Me About Your Job

me: thank you for playing

me: was there anything youd like to add?

VBugn: thanks for asking

VBugn: before this i worked at TGI Fridays

VBugn: “Hi my name is Stephanie and I will be your server today”

me: i think i would be more likely to hit on you there than at a bar

VBugn: and I had someone thrown out for saying that he wanted to suck on my tittie milk


VBugn: yeah, you are normal

VBugn: Oh shit! SorryTOny.

VBugn: Why didn’t you say anything?

me: i thought youd forgotten

steph does southbeach + 3rd Leg + kool keith

me and clippergirl spent all night catching up.

its now 551am. im worn out. my cheeks are sore from smiling, and my head is sleepy from drinking.

we drank and we asked each other why drinking is accepted in proper society.

we drank and we agreed that a man or woman who can drink a lot is held in high regard. we toasted after reaching that agreement and dranks some more.

we told each other that if we kept drinking we would find each other more attractive than we knew the other was

and i thanked yahweh.

we wondered aloud why our hippie friends , in some circles would be looked down upon by their illegal intake of intoxicants, but then she reminded me that most of them could also drink, and we remembered why they were our friends.

as a graduate of uc isla vista im ashamed to admit that i dont think i drink enough.

ive lived in ken laynes former home for, what, three years now, and i havent had a keg in my front lawn even once.

i promised her that there would be a keg in my front lawn at least once in ’04.

i always forget how good people look and i always forget how much i like them. i like clipper girl because everything for her is about twiceasmuch. one kiss turns into two. one movie turns into a lets-slip-into-that-one. visiting one girlfriend of hers turns into visiting two superhot girlfriends of hers.

and having a body shot or two ends up having ten.

and beers.

and pizzas.

and an impromptu pie eating contest.

somehow it was discovered that i had two perfectly good apple pies in my kitchen.

she was all, wtf you doing with two apple pies in your kitchen?

i was all, nothin.

so she went, how old are these?

which unfortunately is a good question in my house.

i was all, new.

one pie was untouched, a gift from my maid who left it behind after she cleaned and scrubbed my home. on a papertowel she wrote, merry christmas tony, connie.

the other pie was three quarters of the christmas pie that karisa and i barely touched after we feasted on spiral ham at her place.

connie the maid left a traditional apple pie.

the karisa christmas pie was a dutch apple from the house of pies.

clippergirl clacked her high heels over to the fridge, pulled out a half gallon of whole milk and told me she loved me.

i told her id love her back if she’d grab that big ass baileys jug behind the cream cheese.

six nineteen i dont wanna go to sleep. i just want to ride this nice little good thing for just a little bit longer cuz if i go to sleep then i wake up and if i wake up i hafta do all these things

we drank and didnt feel so cold. its fourty eight degrees in southern california tonight which is fucked up let me tell you.

and even though it was cool that she split so i could write

its gonna be freezing in there alone.

at sixtwentyseven in the mornin

who won the pie eating contest?

some games, friends, have no losers.

chokey chicken + christina marie + american black