for my elderly ass is cuz i keep my house so clean.

actually its not me who keeps it so clean, its my army of maids.

ive gone through, lets see here, one, two, three, four maids this year.

most of them retire or shoot themselves after working on my many mansions, so ive been trying to do certain little things to keep their jobs jobs and not epic adventures through the soiled world of filth.

as we speak i have a nice young el salvadorian woman named marta who is washing my dishes and folding my clothes and petting my llamas.

last night i did a little prep-work that i would have never done before the last suicide.

i picked up empty condom wrappers, i dumped out cereal bowls that had molding milk in em, i poured out half empty beer bottles, i put my dirty clothes in the dirty clothes hamper and the clean clothes on the bed with a little note.

i fixed the lamp in the kitchen so she could see my dirty floor and my grimy glasses. i got rid of the dead plant in the closet. i put an easy listening cd in the boombox and pressed play and clicked the repeat button (miles – kind of blue).

i even got some boxes and put my magazines from the floor of the reading room (aka bathroom) and placed them in the box.

what happens is now she can just focus on the big stuff: the dishes, the floors, the bathroom.

then i gave her a big fat tip in a christmas card.

thats how you do it, fellas.

i also made sure to leave lots of change around and baseball cards and celebrity memorabilia around, so that if she wanted to take something, she could.

its not like i care.

how would i know it was gone anyway?

im a damn slob.

now maybe miss montreal will come over and spend the night with me tonight.

cuz she knows she wants to.

gidge flibbit + blips + sheila