my name is tony pierce.

i am 110 years old and i live near you but i live in hollywood.

i think youre swell.

i know youre probably a big fat hairy man. or worse, a republican, but i like you.

i like your website. i like your other website, the secret one, and i like your blog.

sometimes when youre sad it makes me sad. sometimes it makes me smile cuz i know youre just kidding.

lately youve been happy and that makes me very very happy because of all the times you seem so nervous and not happy.

i think you should try to practice to be happy.

heres how i practice.

what i do is i sit on my curb and i look at people.

i monitor myself and whenever i think Fuck what a goddamned asshole, i go, oh be nice now. and then i try to be nice. oh, what a hot looking fucking goddamned asshole.

etc.

so now i have gotten to the point where i just go, oh hi, look at that nice naked bum pissing so carefully in the gutter for that nice officer of the law to roll his car through.

see.

ok. now here is how to be happy with all that sweet art that you make.

sit in your house and look at the sculptures and charcoals and oil paintings and then sit back and say fuck not many people have these things.

then get a tiny peice of art that you have made and send it to the person who wrote this web page cuz he would be so damn appreciative you dont even know. send it to:

tony pierce

4845 Fountain Ave #15

Hollywood, CA 90029

and he wont ebay that shit.

not even after you die and become hugely famous.

ok.

now heres another way that you can be happy and make other people happy too.

email xxxtonyxxx at hotmail and give me a good time that i can catch you on AOL instant messenger so we can have a folow-up interview from the one we did many many many moons gone by.

if you want you can even send me pics of girls who you’d like me to put in the interview thing.

and last but not least, flagrant… i know how much you love the rock music, what you should do, and i think you’ll like this, you need to go to the El Rey on April 5 to see Tsar play there.

theyre the headliners.

theyre going to rock the fucker.

theyre going to bring rock music back to wilshire blvd where it hasnt been in a long long time.

you dont have to say hi to me.

you dont have to buy me a michelob.

you dont have to introduce yourself as splinky the wonder kid.

you can lie if you want cuz sometimes Sometimes lies are funny, you can say hi my name is angela romano and god i love your blog.

and i will be so drunk + happy to be at a tsar show i wont even know what youre doing and later if you want when we’re in an olde folkes home you can say remember that time at the el rey on passover night in two thousand and four…

flagrant + melting dolls + zero79

we didnt know what was one. not sure we woulda understood. found out when i was in highschool. we loved her back then. loved her more after.

she was our fourth grade teacher too. cried during reading us “Where the Red Fern Grows” out loud.

was the first reason i wanted to write.

somehow that was fourth grader logic: i love my teacher so much that i want to write a story that would make her cry.

i wonder where she is.

we called her Mrs. Janice even though she wasnt married. in those days we called everyone Mrs.

i dont think ive called anyone Mrs since.

last night my true love asked me if i still wanted kids. i said eh. she asked if i still wanted to get married. i was all eh.

she said dont give up on your dreams just cuz i wont marry you.

i was all, i gave up on being manager for the Cubs so who cares about all the other little stuff.

she said baby.

i was all, yes baby.

she was all, do you really want to marry me?

and i was all, no.

she said what!

i was all i want to do you then marry you then do you again.

then we talked about how Bush is a fucking pussy for not letting Condi Rice take the stand on Capital Hill and take her lumps for knowing about 9-11 and not doing shit about it.

and i started singing “whats he building in there” by tom waits but i changed it to “whats he hiding over there”.

then we told each other we loved each other.

then i fell asleep watching the sopranos

and i still havent made it through sundays episode.

lady gauchos are in the sweet sixteen for the first time ever + the foxy moxie pierce + ken layne

Producer, animator Joseph Barbera is 93. Co-founder of the Hanna Barbera cartoon empire which brought us such classics as Tom & Jerry, Huckleberry Hound, Yogi Bear, Scooby Doo, The Flinstones, The Jetsons, The Atom Ant Show, Magilla Gorilla, Jonny Quest, Josie & the Pussycats, Motormouse, and The Smurfs.

Happy birthday old man, you make all of todays animators look like slackers.

Acid-eating poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti is 84. Best known for his City Lights book store in San Francisco, home of all the great beat writers. Proof that sex drugs and rock wont kill you.

Cher’s favorite showgirl-esque fashion designer Bob Mackie is 64. He’s won seven Emmys, including awards for his work on various Cher specials as well as the TV series “Mama’s Family” and “Carol & Company.” Yes, they give awards for going to Wal*Mart to clothe Mama’s Family.

Oscar-winning director Curtis Hanson is 59. After getting the golden statuette for the movie “L.A. Confidential” he directed Eminem in “8 Mile”. He also helmed the “Wonder Boys.” Because of Curtis the Crossroads of the World’s globe now spins atop the crazy building on Sunset Blvd. Thanks, Curt.

Musician & Producer Nick Lowe is 55. Best known for writing “(What’s So Funny About) Peace, Love & Understanding” which Elvis Costello covered. Lowe produced several Costello projects including his first album “My Aim Is True” where Huey Lewis’s band The News backed up the bespeckled Costello during such classics as “Allison.”

Fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger is 53. Fuck Tommy Hilfucker.

Emmy Award-winning fat guy Louie Anderson is 53. Somehow he won two Emmys for his animated kids show “Life with Louie.” But he will probably be best known for being the oaf who took over Family Feud for Richard Dawson and came out of the closet making everyone think: there are gay guys interested in Louie Anderson’s ass?

Supertramp bassist Dougie Thomson is 53. They made that one song on “Breakfast in America” and we never heard from them again. This guy could be my gardener for all I know and judging from my lawn he probably is. Fuck Tommy Hilfucker.

Actress Donna Pescow is 50. After being John Travolta’s girlfriend in “Saturday Night Fever” she went on to be forgotten on the TV series “Even Stevens” and “Angie.”

Actress, model, and 80s hearthrob Kelly LeBrock is 44. “Weird Science” and “The Woman in Red” were huge hits back in the day and I was lucky enough to check out some video tapes for her during that period of time, and all I can say is makeup and lighting people in the industry just dont get paid enough. Still, I’d hit it.

Big fat black Star Jones is 42. In a close race she is officially the most annoying yenta of “The View” especially now that she is engaged to a man half her size. Theres an old joke about how you make love to a fat woman (roll her in flour and aim for the wet spots). It’s an old joke because back in those days there was enough flour to cover most obese women. Not so after Star’s romance with the new Steadman.

Actress Annabella Sciorra is 40. Probably best known as the Mercedes-selling former fling of Tony Soprano, she was also the mom in the “Hand That Rocks The Cradle” and the interracial love interest of Wesley Snipes in “Jungle Fever”. Doest look a day over 45. Still, I’d hit that as well.

Jack Nicholson’s ex-squeeze Lara Flynn Boyle is 34. The size 0 star hit it big with “Twin Peaks”, “The Practice” and wearing that ballerina costume to the Oscars. I’d hit it but i’d break it.

Irish musician Sharon Corr of the Coors is 34. I have no clue which one she is, but since theyre all hot it really doesnt matter who she is does it. I hope shes the fiddle player though. Not sure why.

How could Alyson Hanningan be 30 today? Famous for her bandcamp tales in the “American Pie” movies some of us find her lesbian work in “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” grossly overlooked.

And finally little Keisha Castle-Hughes turns 14 today. When she was nominated for her work in “Whale Rider” last year she became the youngest Best Actress nominee in the history of the Academy Awards. It was her first feature film showing that experience means nothing to Oscar.

synthetic reality + ryan schofield + madpony