I know you hate me.
I know you’re still mad at me for making Wood and Prior throw the playoffs in October.
I know I promised you that I wouldn’t let that recall election go through in California.
But quite frankly, the fucking Falluja and the PDB are like a one-two punch and none of these nitwits here know what to do or say.
And I know you would know exactly what to say.
I know you like my video game analogies so heres one for you. The fighting guy has made it to the end of the level and now he’s fighting the bossman three times his size. And he’s winning.
Well, Tony, I’m the bossman, but I’m also America.
Please save America, this one last time.
And I promise you that I will give you anything that you want.
As much as you want.
I know you’re going to say you want my daughters, or a job where you can travel around and blog and meet people, but please lets get serious. I will give you money, power, I’ll get that Tsar thing on the radio. I’ll do anything.
Please write back soon, I have a press conference tomorrow in prime time and I don’t know what to say.
George W. Bush
Dear President Bush,
youve done the right thing. youve come to the right place. and youve said the right things. its too bad america doesnt know how honest you are when theres a gun pointed to your head. of course i want your daughters its true and they want me but thats just wrong and the lil’n looks like your old lady and no offense but, anyway, they look young.
i want a date with rebecca romaine hotshot.
i want clear channel to hire back howard stern and put him on all their stations, not just six.
i want you to banish the designated hitter from the american league and create a salary cap for both the players and the owners of major league baseball.
anything leftover goes to the poor.
i want ticketmaster shut down.
i want whatever chemical makes your dick so big that you think for a moment that i would actually help you in a zillion years.
i want titties on tv. i want you to legalize weed. i want you to wear a tshirt that says skateboarding is not a crime.
you lied to us about weapons of bah bah booey you sent us into shit and youre stuck in that shit now and we’re paying for it and now that youre paying for it a little bit youre swagger’s down to a limp. fuck you bitch and i’ll say it with authority.
didnt you tell me that pete rose would be in the hall of fame by now?
didnt you tell me that i wouldnt have to watch the view any more.
that leno would be removed from the tonight show and david lee roth would be back in van halen.
where the fuck is that super rogaine?
you said the fcc wouldnt do anything!
why arent there free condoms in every supermarket?
and why is gasoline fucking two fitty a drop you oil family heir to the fuck.
if youre america youre the sludge slapping the shore youre the strip malls on fire youre gridlock youre aids.
you come in smiling and you destroy quickly and ruthlessly but somehow in iraq youre limp and toothless and fumbling and wrong.
the shit doesnt plop far from the pee.
but heres what you should say tomorrow even though i know you wont even though you know you wont even though its true.
my fellow americans,
i am not a bright man, but i try.
i was a drunkard and a coke head and a frat boy and a loser.
but if america is about anything its about opportunity.
i was given the opportunity to run a baseball team and i failed.
but america is about opportunity and i was given a second chance, i was elected governor of one of the biggest states in the union.
i didnt entirely make a fool out of myself, so you elected me president.
on august sixth two thousand and one i didnt know it, no one knew it, but i was making a fool out of myself.
i got a memo that was titled “Bin Ladin Determined to Strike in U.S.” and because i didnt know
i swear to you i didnt know
that they meant it as in for reals
(say “for reals” and save your career)
i went on a month long vacation instead of huddling up and asking the 70 other investigations focused on Bin Laden to conference call with me about this curious memo.
i did nothing.
it was the longest vacation that a president ever took but
if a golfer has a bad day he might not win a million dollars and a car, he might win like ten grand or something.
but when the president of the united states has a bad day
it can be bad.
as for iraq im going to just nuke those fucking ingrates in about ten minutes, so just chill on that shit.
thank you for your time.
i will answer no questions.