i just got off the phone. it was a semi-job-interview.

no i wasnt interviewing to drive semi trucks. it was a job that i didnt want but it pays buttloads.

they asked me if i liked being a superhero. i said that being a superhero is a dumb job cuz nobody cares unless you die or fuckup and blow shit up accidentally. they asked me to explain so i did.

i said that nobody cared that Pat Tillman, for example, gave up his $3 mil nfl contract to go fight in the army rangers until he was killed last week in afghanistan.

i said in a way the same goes for close games in sports. nobody calls your team great unless the game gets close. if you blow a team out 73-0 more people will think that one of the teams just totally sucked, they wont think that the winning team totally dominated.

they didnt understand that one so much. and instead of asking for clarification they went into other areas of the interview.

they asked me why i liked my current job. i said because my employer understands the legality of my two government mandated 15-minute breaks which allows me to write on my blog.

then they asked me what a blog was and i told them that i probably wouldnt fit in at their newspaper.

then the guy told me that this was the most unconventional interview that he had ever been part of because the applicant was bowwing out over one question.

i told him the applicant wasnt bowwing out over one question, i told him that the applicant was bowwing out over one answer.

then i told him that when you put an andy warhol velvet underground tshirt on an olsen twin it doesnt make the twin cooler, it makes the image of the record less cool. the record itself will never be uncool. it will be classic. but the image and therefore the tshirt will never be as cool because not only did a twin wear it but she wore it in got milk ad.

he didnt understand that either and asked me if i wrote the way i talked and i asked him how much of my stuff he had read and he said some and i said i love to write the way i talk but i usually write better than i speak because i have time to go over it and edit out all the ums ahhs and fucks.

then he laughed because he noticed an awful lot of fucks in my blog.

i said, so you do know what a blog is.

he said is that what i was reading of yours? then he told me that it took a long time to appear on his computer.

i asked him if he had dsl or cable modem and he said he wasnt sure.

he said he had aol.

and thats when i told him that i had to go back to saving the world.

he said, but

and i said i will not be the tshirt that you put on the pretty girl to convince the world that youre down.

that, i have great confidence, he understood, cuz he didnt say anything.

he just exhaled.

hottest girl at the xbi + xeni + howard owens

it’s 91 degrees here in hollywood.

so of course it was the lead story of the tv news. they were all, starting off our Team Coverage is Joe Schmoe in Van Nuys.

“yep, its hot out here in the valley, melissa.”

arent we at war or something? wheres the team coverage of that? arent gas prices like $2.11 for unleaded? arent the lakers in the playoffs? arent the dodgers in first place? did nothing happen this weekend that is more important than the weather?

didnt like a million people show up in washington dc because this administration is still threatening to stop women from having the choice to have abortions?

isnt our actor governor trying to cut millions in public school funding to help pay for the $14 billion california state budget shortfall? wheres the team coverage on that? wheres the team coverage to explain why the governator wont raise taxes on the rich to pay off the $14 bill?

instead the local abc news station here in LA wants to tell us that its hot outside.

i think we fucking know its fucking hot outside.

it was fucking hot on friday and saturday and sunday.

most of us went to the beach and drank and praised Jesus for allowing it to be hot here in LA as thats the reason most of us moved here.

plus its the end of april. its ok for it to be 90 in hollywood and 100 in the valley and desert. seriously, its ok.

its not ok to have a guy recall a governor because hes fucking up and then continue to do what the president is doing, which is stick it to public schools and trying to run a government in the red while bankrupting our future.

and its not ok to tell women that they cant have abortions when not only is it none of your gd business what they do with their reproduction, but how many unwanted babies do you seriously want? so in ten years when theres another budget crunch do you seriously want those unaborted kids in schools that today you refuse to fund?

how about this, “good afternoon everyone, its noon on monday and oprah still hasnt been fined yet for telling america what a tossed salad is, im harold reems.”

or this, “hundreds of thousands marched on washington this weekend to protect a woman’s right to choose what happens to her body. we have team coverage for the reaction here in the southland.”

although i do have to tell you it is butt hot here.

reminds me of a roadtrip i took to arizona when i was in college.


dawn olsen + listen missy + mc brown saw the time

i ate a lot of cheese this weekend.

sunset in venice

we also had ribs at tony romas while watching the laker game. it was the tony romas in beverly hills where there were a lot of black people surprisingly and my weekend date watched all the drinks being fixed up (we were in the romantic bar so as to be close to the tvs) and she was all, who knew these many people would be drinking at 2pm. i reminded her that we greeted the day with screwdrivers and she was like, but we’re young.

i chose the baby back half slab with corn fritters and baked potato. i dont know how you fuck up a baked potato but they did. the ribs were tender but needed a little love in the seasoning department. shes a rich girl and the day before passed on the makeshift bbq that a bunch of mexicans set up next to a freeway offramp and i explained to her that that would have been the best meal of the weekend but she told me that she has a sensitive stomach and i suggested that it was probably because she ate too safe.

we also had dessert at mr romas because the game was going into overtime and we wouldnt have a chance to go to coldstones since we would be driving as fast as we could to her condo on wilshire.

there we watched the overtime victory and fell asleep in each others arms with baseball on the telly.

she calls it the telly. i think its cuz shes from sweden.

woke up at 6ish and she ordered a pizza from mullberry street pizza. sausage and pepperoni. we watched stardust memories and laid on the couch.

the windows were open. breeze blowing through. i still i found myself wanting.

i wanted to see how the cubs had won that day.

i wanted to not have to wake up in the morn and go into the office.

but mostly i wanted a pair of shoes as i had only worn flip flops when she had picked me up and unless there were a spare pair of sneakers at the xbi, i would have to fly chopper one in sandals. which is usually ok unless i would be asked to land and chase someone.

lets hope we could just shoot the bastards before any chase unfolded today.

we slept a lot this weekend. had a bunch of sex. ate a lot of cheese.

drank tons.

but the best part was, i did laundry by putting it into a plastic bag and dialing the conceirge.

ive been living the wrong life all this time.

j-mo + delph + d-lo