even though it ended well, i had a

horrible day at work. one of those days where you cant get anything done and right after one guy sees you getting off the phone after yelling at another guy suddenly he decides to pick a fucking fight with you too.

swear to god i was holding my rolling stone in my hand about to go take my three oclock shit and the new guy starts talking trash and made me stop dead in my tracks. as a man you cant let certain things slide, particularilly from the new guy and he pouted the rest of the day after i fucking set him straight because nobody knows how to fucking say im sorry. im sorry tony i see youre having a rotten day i see you dont even have time to write. i see you dont even have a chance during your lunch to write. i see you dont have time to even talk nicely on the phone to people, so im going to leave you alone and answer your simple question after you ask it.

the question today was, will chopper one be ready to fly after i take my dump.

its a question i ask every day while i prepare for the three o’clock poopie club and maybe he’s sick of having to answer it, but you know what motherfucker, maybe im sick of having to fucking ask it. you know that time is coming and if you were smart you’d beat me to the punch and say settle in cowboy that bitch aint taking off till after 4:20 so maybe bring something more readable than that piece of trash they call modern journalism.

it was 101 degrees in hollywood today. you shoulda seen the fucking team coverage.

smartest guy i know regarding the war, a democrat, said that we should just fucking firebomb falluja and see if the kids grow up in love with nikes cuz this generation is obviously hopeless. his theory is we blew up japan and now theyre in love with nike and elvis so everything worked out. and if i was president i would let that leak out and see if those motherfuckers do like the new guy shoulda done which was not say this means war but say you know what, fuckit, i’ll be cool with you if you be cool with me.

they dont teach that shit in school. they dont teach anything decent in school. they dont teach how to fix your car, they dont teach how to write a resume, they dont teach how to make a girl cum with your thigh and they dont teach how to negotiate nonviolently.

they teach you how to sell out on every level.

i dont capitalize or spell check or even reread what i write as a f u to all the now-dead witches i had to deal with in grade school high school and junior college. i can count the good english teachers i had on both my middle fingers. hows that for symbolism you motherfuckers. wrote my ass off all my life and all they could say was i grammared bad or i put a semi colon where i shoulda put a comma or some shit.

meanwhile we had to sing the national anthem every morning which didnt rhyme, didnt make sense and had horrible meter. theyd a had a field day red penning francis scott that he probably woulda never written the thing if they had to go through what i had to go through. plus i was black. plus i was proud. plus i was listening to far too much ac/dc.

bad day ended up into a great night where i had too much fun to write. had dinner with a gorgeous blonde girl, talked on the phone with my truest, with karisa, and with the hottest cuban girl this side of the mississip. so much fun that i didnt even call back karisa even though i wanted to and promised her that i would. but didnt cuz i suck.

and now i have to finish my homework like a good boy so i can teach this bitch on thursday and i cant wait. and my reward is that if i can do it tonight i can sleep in santa barbara tomorrow, eat a burrito in iv on thursday and see the pixies on friday. and if im really luck i can makeout with that cuban chica on saturday.

p.s. feds, if youre reading this like my man the unsomnambulist says you might be doing, stick around, this shit is about to get way better.


i hate tuesdays.

i hate wednesdays. i hate mondays. im screwed. tuesdays we have our weekly meetings. typically they tell us how much chopper one has cost the agency and i have to defend it by saying how much money it has brought in. but not everything is that clear cut.

if someone says theres something going down in the lbc and we need chopper one for cover and if we dont get anything out of it then am i to blame? every meeting i want to say, its a black helicopter, it cant be seen on radar. the surveillance and intimidation and backup are priceless. but i cant because then everyones feelings will get hurt and people will start fighting and when we start fighting at work the guns get pulled and sometimes so do the triggers.

needless to say id much rather be flying around than being in a meeting. theres money to be made outside. i know we need our meetings but they could be done during lunch on fridays and it wouldnt bite into moneymaking time and people would chill the fuck out.

hot as fuck this morning. i got off the subway at wilshire and western and there were i swear 40 kids lined up for tonights morrissey show. most the kids had chairs or stools or sleeping bags or something. theyd been out there on the filthy sidewalk since last night. these are kids too young to ever have seen morrissey sing with the smiths. blows my mind. and its hot. and the scum of the earth walk around that corner sparechanging like a bitch.

in the three years that ive been commuting past wilshire and western ive never seen anyone sleep out over night for a show there until today.

the marquee said morrissey five nights sold out.

i love morrissey because he goes against everything. he’s gay but he pretends hes “asexual”. he doesnt have any hit singles out, he doesnt have any hot videos out, he split ways with the perfect guitar player and he insults his fans (“You’re The One For Me, Fatty”) and he can sell out anywhere he wants.

proof that holding true to your true self and image blows doors over selling out to whatevers hip at the moment.

i dont see him doing duet records or unplugged records or full soundtracks or even reunion tours. fucker just keeps on keeping on.

i love him and i dont even know what his new record is called.

five sold out nights at the wiltern and i dont think anyone knows what his new record is called.

does he have a new record?

hot as fuck and last night at eleven they had team coverage to tell me that at 91 degrees there were records broken. and if tivo was smart they would allow me to constantly send feedback to the broadcasters via my thumbs up and thumbs down buttons cuz i woulda mashed that red thumbs down button for a good five minutes before i went over to hbo to see the sopranos that i missed on sunday, which kicked my ass. thankfully. wonderfully. thoroughly. beautifully.

but the best news this morning was that howard stern got his ratings for march and he was up in new york chicago and la. but in san diego where he was dropped by clear channel, the station’s morning numbers plummeted from a 20 to a 0.6 in the prime demo of 18-34.

tiffany + howard’s ratings in san diego + welch