Daily Archives: May 5, 2004

everything i ever wanted to know about sex i learned from anna kournikova.

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start with the hair. pull it. yank it. and when you do it bite at the neck like youre pissed off at something. if you cant think of anything to be pissed off about think about who is actually biting anna kournikova’s neck. that should do the trick.

next learn how to breathe. breathe on the off beats. if you’d normally breathe out when you push, breathe in. if you breathe around her ear or shoulders she might even like it. when in doubt go faster.

dont forget to think about anything except fucking. think about the fcc think about flags waving think about library stacks think about leaves blowing around. think about burn victim rooms. think about anything other than the hottie whos hair youre pulling.

nuzzle the nuzzable areas, pinch the pointy bits, bite the tounge when she shoves it at you.

yank the fuzzy kitty cat collar.

now learn how to talk dirty. you should have learned about this when you had phone sex early in the relationship. phone sex is vital, kids. vital. you get to learn boundaries you get to learn what the russian tennis star likes. you get to learn the vocabulary that she enjoys. you get to learn her turnons and turnoffs before she becomes a centerfold. and most of all you get to find out if she likes being called a filthy little whore or a dirty fucking slut. details my friends, details.

saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can ruin everything. dont learn this the hard way cuz no one wants to read about your victim stories. deliver us tales of triumph and tell us about how you made her see colors blindfolded.

pull out your boy scout guidebooks and relearn how to tie knots. theres a reason why theyre the foundation of american life, and its not because we all have 30 foot sailboats.

for some of ours are bigger.

learn to spank, learn to lick, learn to kiss. in that order.

become aware of the biology of the most intimate of the feminine of areas. recall your days as a paperboy and stop at every landmark and deliver the paper with your tounge. learn to eat and enjoy eating pussy like it’s the center of life.

apreciate the tastes the aromas the magic the majesty the folds the textures and the flavours and if you cant learn how to fake it. my advice: dont fake it.

and if you cant write about it or talk about it or blog about it youre kidding yourself if you think you can finger it.

spend far too much time down there.

ask yourself if youve ever heard this statement in passing at the trader joe’s: i really loved him but he ate me out too much.

and as in most things, learn how to use the left hand.

back to fucking. remember they call it fucking.

remind everyone that youre an animal. remember you were born with hair all over you, a desire to play with your food, and opposible thumbs. remember that you were born the stronger one and the bigger one and the rougher one. be strong be rough be tough. leave being gentle for fairies and conservatives. its two thousand and four, if they wanted to make out with a girl, theyd make out with a girl.

fuck like the cops are coming. come like you dodged em.

lift her and defy gravity. let the wall get some and the carpet. ruin the suede loveseat, wax the tabletops and use science against her. light the roof on fire and let that motherfucker burn.

after you threaten the ass, growl. remind her what to tell her girlfriends. tell her precisely what to feel.

fuck like how youd play guitar if you could actually play guitar: hard fast and all night.

lift weights do curls pushup and pullup. not so that you’ll look good in a speedo, sexy, but so you can lift her up and do it right there in her best friend’s closet when everyone is in the backyard playing drunken twister like theyre edgy.

look that dirty girl in the eye dont kisser and thank me cuz not only can you last cuz youve practiced your breathing but you can hold her up cuz youre in shape. shape magazine doesnt tell you why you want to be in shape but now you know the rest of the story old man.

some say you cant slap her ass too much.

she is a very bad girl after all.

and a bitch

and a secret ho

and a little tramp who’s spoiled

and pretty and

far too pampered in daddys condo in redondo

which all deserve a slap. not like youre used to. a hard one. a good one.

several good ones.

and then tell her how good that ass looks since no chick is happy with their ass.

love her ass.

as ive loved you.

dirty fez + fat free milk + houseplant

one of the oddities of being me

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is that i often find myself lunching with some of the hottest chicks in hollywood.

while the women that i have had the pleasure of dining with last night ordered their atkins-friendly meals and discussed how trimspa was different than slimfast and how one gym was better than another gym, i found myself in a familiar situation as somehow the discussion usually gets directed toward me as im either the sole male at the table or the least likely to be politically correct.

last night at karisas birthday dinner i had to lay it out in the really-real manner that you have all become familiar with.

i looked at the ladies of the table and i said, you girls need to learn a few things about men.

there are no longer “leg men” or “breast men” or guys who like eyes. there are only vagina men. we like pussy and we like it as much as we can get it.

one young woman nearly dropped her grilled chicken with nofat dressing on top.

heres what you need to learn: not how many carbs are in a slice of pizza, but how to suck a cock and act like the fountain of youth is in our nads. you need to learn how to not start fights over minute little bullshit, you need to learn how to talk dirty and you need to learn how to cook.

(similarilly dudes need to learn how to go down on a girl and how to fuck with a capital f.)

fuck this bullshit catty madeup competition with other women about who has better clothes, fancier purses, and more successful men. learn how to appreciate the pick n roll, the glory of steak and eggs, and the spontenaity of road head.

los angeles and specifically hollywood is the only town other than possibly new york where you could seriously find a table of 3-4 extremely beautiful women who in their hearts are not happy with their looks and therefore unsatisfied with themselves because of some unattainable physical goal that theyve convinced themselves that can be reached.

the belief is, once theyve starved themselves into the size zilch lil black dress they will feel better about themselves, the men will come pouring out of the woodwork, the women will be jealous and envious, and everyone will want to either hire them love them or want to befriend them.

even though every size zero woman in hollywood is villified worse than slow drivers in the fast lane dialing up their shrinks on their cellphones.

“you know she binges and purges,” they whisper. “eat much?” they sneer. “i didnt know lara flynn has an Older sister,” they hiss.

one reason i love karisa is she doesnt buy into that crap which is why she smiled at me when i was explaining to the girls that in order to love yourself you need to forget about these bizarre beliefs about bodytypes and start dating black men exclusively.

karisa might have it easier because she likes to run in the mountains and is addicted to Abs of Steel and only dates guys who appreciates a little meat on the bones. karisa could use a little more junk in the trunk to some tastes but shes a great cook so i let it slide.

first thing women need to do is quit competing with other women. whats the point? and how does anyone know who won?

what ever happened to bake-offs?

next thing women need to do is wear shorter skirts. everything is forgiven in a short skirt. the fatter you grow the shorter your skirt needs to be. i live in a latino portion of hollywood. trust me when i tell you that the above theory works in practice.

probably the most important thing that the modern woman needs to do is quit dating guys who flinch at cellulite, belly rolls, or wrinkles. not only are those guys probably gay and should just come out of the closet like tom cruise is about to, but theyre just going to dump you once you go up a dress size. why should they get rewarded with the hotties as they do the dance of denial?

finally the young women of america need to learn how to cook. and cook their asses off. everyone knows that sex naturally leaves relationships the longer that the union is together, but eating is a constant. if you dont want to eat breads and rices and beans and fatty foods, the best way to control it is to make healthy meals yourself and then feed them to your man who will be yours forever.

centerpoint + insIDEAmind + tina