Dear Tony,

Right now I’m should be in the back of a Vanaggon sleeping under the stars with this hottie that I’ve been with for a year. She’s not my girl. But we date a lot. Even though, she says she considers me her boyfriend. And I must say, when I think of things like Memorial Day weekends the first person I think of is her.

And that is why last week at this time I was telling her that I wanted to drive up to San Francisco with her in my Vanaggon, real slow, camping along the way, and being together for all four days.

She was into it.

The plan was to have no plan.

Just drive.

Pull over and check shit out when it was cool, drive when it was dull.

Just hold hands and ride north and fuck against trees along the way.

In the middle of the week she called and told me that she couldnt spend all four days with me because her roommates were going to have a Memorial Day party on Sunday and she had to be there for it because she and her roommates have been best friends forevr.

Normally that sort of shit would piss me off, but I have tried to be better to her, and I told her it was a bummer because, strangely, even though we’ve dated for a year, we’ve never gone out of town together, and never had a roadtrip together. But I understood the closeness that she has for her friends, and I realize that sometimes I can get in the way of their activities.

She asked if I was mad and I said, I would get over it. And I thanked her for telling me early enough so I could do something else.

So we ammended our plans to drive down to Mexico on Friday (I was going to get out of class early on Friday, and pick her up and be on the road by 4pm), and be back in LA by Saturday night. A quickie little trip but fun. A mini roadtrip.

Friday came and she IMed me and said she was looking forward to our weekend. I told her that I was super tired and wondered if we could just chill at my parents house in Newport cuz they would be out of town and I was having second thoughts about crossing the border twice in two days. She said all she wanted to do was be naked with me, and my folk’s place would be great since it would be cleaner than my apartment.

Then she made a smiley face.

So that night I met her at their place and she laid down on the couch and we held each other and she fell asleep and I let her nap a while and when she woke up she told me that she couldnt spend the night cuz she had been on two dates with this new guy and she just hasnt figured out how to emotionally deal with dating two guys.

So she said she had to sorta stop dating me for a while. Starting right then. She started to cry. She asked me if I was mad. I told her I couldnt tell her what to do with her life. I wasn’t her boyfriend. I think she wanted me to fight. I didn’t want to fight. I was exhausted from the week. I was a little tipsy from the beers I had been drinking and the two vicodin I had eaten for my bad back. And I was shocked.

She and I hadn’t had a fight in months and months. Our sex life had only gotten increasingly better. I was banging the hell out of this chick every time we’d see each other. She would lay on the bed afterwards and just say quietly oh my god oh my god oh my god. There was nothing that we wouldnt do to each other. Nothing.

If she felt like our relationship was getting dull or something, I mean, wasn’t that why we were going on the road trip? Wasn’t that a good idea? Every time I reach out to her she punishes me. I had just written a poem about kissing her that she said she loved. I had just made all these cds for her.

And by telling me right there and then that she was reneging on the two-day weekend plans made me really furious because I had told her that that was the only thing what would have bothered me if she had canceled our roadtrip at the last minute. As long as I have a little bit of time to realign things and rearrange things I’m cool, but this wasn’t cool and she knew it.

She kept saying that she was sorry for being an asshole. She kept saying that she knew she was wrong. That she was sorry. She was taking full blame.

So now I’m sitting here. It’s Saturday night. I’m in this huge beach side house that’s really clean and really empty and it sucks.

I can’t write about it on my blog because I don’t want to give her the pleasure of knowing that I even care. Because I know there’s something psychological that she’s trying to do to me, I just don’t know what. What the hell did I do to her to deserve this?

And that’s why I’m writing to you. You seem to know how to handle dating multiple women. Maybe not everything on your blog is false. So could you help a brother out?


Saul in Newport Beach

dear saul,

id like to begin this by saying something sweeping and shockinglike “all you bitches crazy” but everyones crazy, certainly not just all you bitches.

half you bitches voted for bush. that even in retrospect is crazy given that clinton gore did wonders for this cuntry and the only handful of shit that ever stuck to clinton was that he actually did have sex with that woman. oooooo. still have you bitches vote for bush and you’ll still vote for him in novemember despite the economy stupid despite the gas prices despite iraq despite the fcc despite the fact that he Still cant pronounce abu ghraib despite the fact that he still cant find osb or wmd and it took him a nearly a year of occupation to find saddam. but youre all, its cool, and what do you want us to do… think?

and the other half of you bitches let it all happen. the fcc Still hasnt fined oprah. the president Still hasnt released his national guard records. and the voting machines in florida still arent fixed.

therefore it doesnt suprise me that your bitch is crazy since all you bitches crazy. i suggest you drop her into the once a month club. that means once a month. no weekends. no overnights. and no kissing. bitches who dont respect a good thing will never respect a good thing. by dropping her out of the heavy rotation youre not punishing her, youre weening you. and if she has a key to your crib change the locks.

g’s up,


kevynn + raspil + angelina

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