i know the new york times on 5/27 says i have a girlfriend.
i dont. i swear. i dont.
i swear.
tons of photo essays + before i blogged i did this + lick magazine issue one + issue two + lick blog
dear ladies of los angeles,
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Monthly Archives: May 2004
the sun came out today in LA.
we’re not used to having two days without sunshine. because of the sun we tolerate the gridlocked freeways, the expensive rents, and the movie industry closing down our favorite restaurants and strip clubs in order to film.
last night the lakers made mincemeat out of minnesota. kobe only took two shots in the first half just to toy with the timberwolves’ emotions. the lakergirls didnt even aplly any glitter. they should just give us our rings now.
tonight im seeing prince with my true love. her car got broken into last night but she doesnt care cuz shes seeing prince tongiht with me. my carpel tunnel is kicking in so hard and i dont care cuz im seeing the artist and i know that the carpal tunnel is the devil in my wristbone and he doesnt want me to spread the good news. so fuck him.
last night i was up till 3am. im a fool. im a superfool. this morn i woke up and heard howard stern talking to wendy the retard and it was wonderful. the devil doesnt want me to type about this either.
tomorrow i will probably get mentioned in the new york times. hopefully in a postitive way, but you never know. so if you are near a newsstand that has the paper of record tomorrow pick it up and read all about it.
will it help me get a job as a writer? doubt it. last year the LA Times called this very blog the “most entertaining blog in LA” and nobody was knocking down my door and to be honest i didnt really push anyone to get a gig writing anywhere either. but still, you’d think someone would write me and see what my rate is to spice up their online presence.
but no. life isnt like that.
life, just like dating, just like most things, is about going out there with your big fat black bat and beating people over the head with it and dragging home what you can. you can be nice all you want but opportunity rarely knocks, youve got to knock it over and sink your teeth in and take a huge bite.
how do you think we got america.
sad part about taking what you want. i was at dodger stadium the other day with the super hot clipper girl’s cousin. i forget what game we saw. dodgers against someone. and she said wow, how did they get all this land up on top of this hill like this, must have gotten it a long time ago before there were any houses.
but there were always houses on top of hills.
and i told her the story about how they displaced all these poor families who lived on chavez ravine in 1960 when the dodgers moved from brooklyn to LA.
and i told her the story about how when FOX bought the dodgers from the O’Malley family that they also got the land that dodger stadium sits on.
and i invited her to look around and think about how many mcmansions you could build on that land if you were to move Dodger Stadium somewhere else like Irwindale or Downtown.
and all the millions you could make.
and she said but where did all the people go when they knocked down their homes.
and i reminded her that those were the little details that nobody wants to think about.
she said, what, they had to move to pasadena or something?
i said, worse.
she said, echo park?
i said, worse.
she said, south central?
i said, worse.
and just then someone walked past wearing an Angel hat.
she said the OC?
and i nodded.
and she said, sheeeeeet. and i said, yeah. i know.
stephen + zanti misfit + mad mathias and steph all took the quiz
yes i am a little dissapointed
and suprised that not more people took me up on the honest-blogger quiz.
i thought more bloggers had the courage to answer a few questions so that others could learn more about them and so they could be up-front to their readers.
but we dont really live in a time when courage is rewarded as much as mediocraty and image and status.
it takes courage to do things like say the war on drugs is a pathetic waste of time and money.
it takes courage to do things like say the war on iraq is a pathetic waste of time money and american lives and how dare we have the nads to propigate the belief that iraq cant figure out how to move on without saddam unless WE teach them how to set up their new system when our system produced a fucking retard as president who didnt win the popular vote and probably didnt win the electoral votes either. why do we have an electoral college again?
it takes courage to say i voted for these five people as president.
it takes courage to put your name on it and present it to the blogosphere which includes people who might want to disagree with you.
it takes courage to say i believe that Jesus is God and i have read and agree with the Bible.
and it really takes courage to say i believe in Jesus and i havent read the bible.
but i know the game. dont make yourself vulnerable, dont put yourself out there, dont reveal the truth about yourself or else you give your “enemy” ammunition and you shock your supporters.
it takes courage to say that you dont give a flying fuck what your readers think about your beliefs, here they are, love it or git.
one thing you have to say about our sitting president, he doesnt give a rats ass what you think of him, his lack of education, his fucked up brand of Christianity, his disdain for the press and the constitution, how the world views this country, how his actions effect the economy, or how much oil prices are costing americans.
all he cares about is himself and his friends and their ideals.
hes a dumb as an abusive soldier smiling at the digial camera, but at least he’s comfortable with himself. and that we could all learn from.
in the same way that we can learn by noticing how much retards laugh.
my pallie kitty bukkake wrote an addendum to the honest-bloggers quiz. below are her new questions and my new answers.
1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog? i live in hollywood. im the last person anyone is going to recognize.
2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered? that would take some sort of effort. not to mention time and talent.
3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you? creeps no, dorks sure.
4. Do you lie in your blog? only about my age, my job, my dating habits, my flying car, and a lot of the little details. but generally no.
5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog? that shits for chicks.
6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop? anyone who threatens to quit blogging probably should quit blogging.
7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping? no. yes, but i should be the therapist.
8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones? about 10% of the stupid anonymous ones. no, never, although i have been tempted to write fake ones to stir up a little situation in the comments, but then i realized that im not in highschool anymore.
9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after? at 110 years old it takes a little more than what ive seen on the blogosphere. although raymi, bunny, bunnie, and zulieka intellectually turn me on a great deal.
10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less? probably less. which is why i dont encourage interaction, and why i dont seek out meeting the bloggers who i like to read.
11. Do you have a job? i am paid a stipend for what i do from 9-6.
12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it? i would even do it for a half-decent salary.
13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life? several including fragrant, kristin, zulieka, bunnie, nay, jaylex, steph, aaron, and the kool kids at blogger.com.
14. How many bloggers have you made out with? 5
15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have? i dont mind picking up the check, but i dont think that means im acting like im rich.
16. Does your family read your blog? yes.
17. How old is your blog? 3 years in august.
18. Do you get more than 1000 pageviews per day? Do you care? my counter has been public since i started. right now it says that i am averaging 2,000+ but sitemeter’s averages has never worked right. i average about 1,000 a day. heres why i know it doesnt work right. for nearly half a year i have averaged about 1,000 a day. last week atrios linked me and i got 7,000 in one day and 3,000 the next day. now all of a sudden sitemeter is saying i average 2,000+. nuts.
19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar? im not depressed very often, but the times that i am i wish i had a secret blog because if i write about it i would prefer to turn off the comments on that particular post because i wouldnt want it to look like i was pandering for pity. sometimes i just want to tell a sad story starring me. otherwise im rarely slutty and i only lie on the blog.
20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing? i donate all the time. i think its nice. currently i recommend donating to makeoutcity who had his house burn down the other day.
21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes? no, and i also dont deduct the way i probably could either.
22. Is blogging narcissistic? in theory. but careful storytelling can overcome that.
23. Do you feel guilty when you don’t post for a long time? guilty isnt the word. ancy is.
24. Do you like John Mayer? fuck john mayer. and the bluesbreakers.
25. Do you have enemies? yes, and theyre dumb.
26. Are you lonely? i havent been lonely in years. luckily.
27. Why bother? cuz a lot of people would love to be in our situations.
people have been writing in a bunch
wondering why i am putting all these pictures of hot chicks on my blog. and the answer is simple: i always put pics of hot chicks on my blog.
mostly i do it to distract people away from the sloppy design and frivilous writing.
but right now im putting these particular photographs of this years Miss Universe wannabes on nearly every post so that people have a good idea of who is in the running for the upcoming pageant, which takes place June 1 in Ecuador.
im not a fan of beauty pageants. i think everyone is beautiful. especially when they leave nice comments on my blog and flow me.
but this is a spectacle and it is bizarre, and it is a funny way to learn about foreign lands. but mostly its a spectacle.
in theory it would be pretty cool to try to figure out who is the hottest chick on the globe, and one of the things that i am attempting to show you through all these pictures is that this contest takes place over several weeks, which, as you probably would agree is necessary when trying to determine beauty.
you cant just flip through a stack of 8×10 glossies. you cant just check out video tapes or have them parade down a catwalk buttnaked.
in order to find true beauty you have to sit with the ladies and make them do crazy things and laugh as they crack over several weeks.
which is why it should be a reality show.
and everyone would watch.
and it would make a fortune.
as ive discussed before.
and as i will probably discuss again.
hottest chick from work came over tonight and we ate and drank and watched tv.
i have the greatest life.
a hot babe wants to have lunch with me
and i told her to pick me up at 1pm so i could write to you. is that sick? yes it is.
lots of things can happen when you make a hottie wait. the obvious of course is someone else can ask her to lunch. someone taller and richer and more powerful and handsomer.
the other thing is she can eat her mellonballs by herself at her desk and pout.
the other thing is she can suddenly get really busy and have to cancel.
fortunately if you fly chopper one you have a tiny bit of pull at the xbi and a hottie might wait for twenty minutes and get some extra work done.
lets keep our fingers crossed that this will be the case.
my editor wrote me earlier this afternoon to tell me that the forum, formerly the Fabulous Forum, and formerly the Great Western Forum is located in Inglewood, which of course i knew since i lived about four blocks away from the LA landmark in the late 80s.
he was writing to tell me that Inglewood has been an incorporated city since 1908.
and therefore not part of South Central LA.
to which i say, whatev.
but thats why hes my editor. splitting hairs is what i (dont) pay him to do. attention to detail is what hes best at.
whats fascinating is that he knew this fact seconds after i posted it.
freaky.
i hear he has a new babe.
im happy for him cuz hes a good man.
now its time for a little soup as im feeling a tad bit under the weather.
but just a tad.
although miss montreal, upon hearing this, refused to kiss me all night last night. a first.
and if she didnt have sudden plans to have a stupid ass memorial day party this weekend, i was planning on driving her up pch and banging her every 50 miles.
i guess i will have to find another cheerleader to join me.
sigh.
madonna reinvented herself at the forum last night
kicking off her brand new tour here in los angeles.
the forum is technically in south central la, which has recently been changed to the more politically correct “south los angeles”, but i digress.
twenty years ago madonna bumped and grinded her way onto mtv and it’s been hard to get her out of the public spotlight, try as we might.
sadly the re-invention has already taken place in the forms of britney and christina, but whatev, maybe the old bag has a few more tricks up her sleeve, who knows.
you know how hot you are here in LA based on where you are playing. while doing a few shows at the Forum used to be the creme de la creme back in the day of dayglow, fingerless bikergloves, and ripped sweatshirts, it’s no longer the case.
today in LA you’re not a big dog unless youre headlining at Staples Center.
tomorrow night the Lakers will headline there, and wednesday Prince begins a five night engagement ending the arguement once and for all as to who of the big stars of ’84 has held up the best: madonna, springsteen, prince, or michael jackson.
no one is as sexy as prince. madonna keeps trying to push the boundaries, but she never etched the word slave on her face. the king of pop pretends to be extravagant but i dont see him handing out free copies of his new cd to all attendees of his concert as a free gift as thanks for forking over $75 for each ticket.
and springsteen hasnt written a good song since the title track of tunnel of love back in 1987.
so prince wins.
and he looks better.
and he didnt ever have to get naked with vanilla ice in a sex book, or jump on the kaballah bandwagon, or turn british.
which is why im going to his show on wednesday and why i will just wait for the inevitable concert movie about this madonna comeback.
plus i bet she lipsyncs.
one thing you should know about me. i try to be fair. i wont bash someone unless i have a solution to the situation.
heres what madonna needs to do if she wants to reinvent herself:
drop all the dancers and stage shit and props and crap and comeback to us as a real american singer.
we love her songs.
we love her.
come back stripped down in classy long dresses (and a few short naughty ones), stand in front of a barebones band and sing your fucking hits.
my favorite records by madonna were during her first reinvention in the 90s.
1992’s Erotica started the experimentation into electronica, ’94’s Bedtime Stories is probably maddys most complete record of her career, and ’98’s Ray of Light got the critical acclaim that had eluded her for most of her life.
since then she began to lose her way. Although she had some great tunes on 2000’s Music, the title track was the last good song she’s written in four years.
is she over the hill?
probably.
is she capable of pulling a tina turner-esque private dancer comeback?
probably.
does anyone think that she’s going to do it this year?
nope. nope. and nope.
she might also consider doing a tour of covering nothing but ’80 hits from her former mtv-mates.
or better yet, do a duet record with the purple one. a double album.
letters from the readers
Hi, I read your blog…
Ok, I’ve been looking at your blog for months. I’ve looked for your email address before but never found it on your site. Maybe I’ve been blind, but I finally noticed it today. Anyway, I don’t read your posts much, they’re allover the place, long and make no sense. I never know if you’re bullshitting or not and I know nothing about you so it never makes sense wtf you’re talking about. However, I find those pictures you post with your entries really interesting, I demand you caption that shit. Because I always end up reading your useless blog entries trying to find some info on the pictures, but it turns out to be a waste of my brain.
P.S. That girl you always post, thin, red head, always wears long gloves. What’s her name? Tell her she’s beautiful for me. Thanks.
Thanks
Hello Mr. Tony Pierce,
Just noticed that you linked to my blog amongst your many million
other links but I got at least one referall from your page so cool.
Oh, right, in case you don’t know who I am and are wondering just why
the hell some random person linked to you and so you randomly linked
to him, I’m Michael. I’m a friend of Allison’s (melting_dolls). When
she visited you I happened to be on IM with her at one point and
attempted a moment of humour by gasping that she was in presence of a
celebrity. If none of that rings a bell, then just wait a few years
and everyone will know my name….. or not. Whatever though.
Thanks for the link.
you’re a stud
Tony,
My boss just came by and asked me if I knew who Tony Pierce was and why
was he linking to our corporate website.
And did I know what the hell a “blog” was?
Apparently our website has been getting traffic from your link via my
flowage.
Sorry, I should have used my private email to avoid the confusion.
I told him that bloggers were people who wrote about what they wanted,
instead of writing what they were told to write (like I do every day).
I told him Tony is the coolest 110 year old blogger on the Internet and
that nothing he wrote was ever true. And that lack of truth must be why
Tony felt an affinity for our high-quality software products and linked to
us.
But more likely, Tony meant to link to something cool, hip or news
worthy and linked to my place of employment by accident. (Just kidding.)
He was, “oh well, any publicity is good publicity” and went back to his
leather-appointed office to nurse his Italian coffee.
Sam
matthew + tamarina + casey all had the guts to take the honest-bloggers quiz
i first met miss spain universe,
mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.
she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.
i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar.
there being spain, not the topless tapas place.
mar’a asked me if i was americano
i said, si.
she asked me if i liked my tapas
i said, si.
she asked me if i liked her cunt-
then she coughed
country
and i said
si.
she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said
si.
she asked me what other words i knew.
i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…
she said, we dont have those things here.
i said, si.
so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.
i sang
spanish girl
in all the world
i want a spanish girl
she doesnt know
how much i weigh in pounds
she doesnt care
that im 108, 108 years oooooold
oooooh my spanish girl.
she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.
she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.
i said, what about the metric system.
she said, yes, but i know.
i said, ah.
she said, si.
and i smiled.
and i tilted my head to the exito
and she said si.
and we left into the madrid night forgetting our shirts
and not giving a muchas gracias.
the speakerbox in the corner is dusty
strands of faded confetti wave to the breezes of the occilating fan that doesnt occilate as much as you’d think it would.
it hesitates.
it goes to the left and hangs and blows. then it slowly moves to the right and hangs and stays there for a little longer than it should. and then it comes back.
sorta like the the intellect of the voting public, except more rational.
her shoe touched mine. startled, i flinched and i knocked over my water glass against my marguerita glass and some water splashed into the salsa.
techno had replaced tango on the jukebox and in the corner someone was being sung happy birthday.
i cant believe anything that happens to me in LA but thats why you move here.
in a week this will be my anniversary of being here twenty years. time flies when your mind is getting blown and all i can say is the girls only get hotter and the situations only become more bizarre and theres nothing thats going to make me leave here ever.
not even kids.
maybe a great job. but i doubt it. nobody wants me. i dont blame em. im not like what theyre used to.
its funny how money moves you places. its funny how we allow it all to happen to us and pretend like we dont have any choice other than to follow the end of the rainbow.
shes redheaded. i hadnt dined with a redhead in years and now this is two in a row. sometimes its hard to tell if the ones who smile like you or just like to smile.
titties for days and what are you supposed to do about that?
right up there for you to look at and the question is are you supposed to look at them or not look at them.
“we’re going to look at your tits for just a minute, ok?” i ask her.
she doesnt stop smiling.
“k.”
nice. no apparent marks. i check the outline on her silk blouse for a nipple ring. cant find one. decide not to look too long. look at the fullness for padding or pushup bra-ness. not like i care. not like i give a shit if a chick has a “d” or an “a” cup. but there they are.
hot plates the man says and serves us a wet burrito and a taco salad.
she kicks my foot again and this time i can tell its not an accident and as hes leaving i say, senior.
he says, yes sir.
and i say two more margueritas por favor.
and he says, of course sir, looking for a nipple ring too
without asking permission first.
blogography & roxanne had the guts to take the quiz.
this was a nothing game.
dont sweat it. the lakers didnt want it. la wasnt into it. i wasnt into it. you werent into it. let the wolves get their bone. just dont let them get used to it.
saw Mean Girls with my truest yesterday. good movie. solid. not the Clueless of this generation, nor the Heathers. but it was suprisingly smart, and good, and whatshername is seriously cute. great themes that young women should learn, but wont. like how “pretty” is relative and boring. tina fey is the hottest chick on tv on saturdays and on that screen she really did actually look like a middleaged highschool teacher. proving that when youre smart and funny you actually look more attractive.
or something.
all i know is tickets for the 2:40p show were $11. each.
this is at the mann’s chinese 6. not the famous manns chinese, but the theatres that they built next to the hollywood landmark in the hollywood & highland complex that houses the kodak theatre and the ryan seacrest show.
85. c. czerwonka
86. jay l.
my true love didnt know that ryan seacrest tapes his show there. and that got her a kiss on the cheek.
we held hands in the movies. as always. but it was different than ever before. we really are growing apart. shes dating and im dating thats bound to change your perspective on things.
we both have equally unfulfilling jobs. difference is she gets raises and promotions and bonuses and i get shit reviews even though someone showed me my production numbers for this month and im the highest in the company. and still they insult me to my face.
odd thing is, shes way more affected by her situation than i am in mine. she thinks about her gig on the weekend and stresses. i dont. not cuz im a better person, just cuz i guess ive lost that idealistic part of me that whispers
youve GOT to do something amazing in your life or else youve WASTED something.
God is everywhere. God is in everything. even in shit. even in mediocrity. even in the xbi. even in the lonely silence of chopper one ten thousand feet above the 405. and where theres God theres magic plus crazy love.
and you know what He’s saying? He’s saying come out lazereth. youre not dead. you might be in a casket. you might have your dead man’s clothes on, but youre not dead. come out. and lazereth walked out of san antonio with his fist in the air bitches.
dude at work the other day asked me how i handle it there with all the bullshit. hes pretty new but you can see within a few days what youre up against. and i said once youve given up on your dreams theres a suprisingly larger realm of possibility that appears for you. some that might actually eclipse your stupid former goals.
and right when i said that two girls from the third floor came walking by and almost on cue said hi tony at the same time and giggled embarrasingly at their unexpectedly singsongy harmony.
and in the middle of the laughing i heard one of them say jinx.
impeach dubya + the unsomnambulist + chadster + trogers and the iranian truth all took the quiz