Q. hey tony, how do they call it a recovery

if there are more poor people?

A. because you let them call it a recovery.

i got an comment from our pal Edward from the bambinos curse inquiring about the health of our new shortstop, nomar garciapara, my new best friend.

edward was under the impression that nomar’s wrist is bothering him so much that he might have to go on the DL for a few weeks.

the truth is not only is nomar’s wrist bothering him but his achilles is also sore.

red sox fans like ed (who runs the beautiful sox blog and writes for fox sports new england) had grown weary of garciaparas nagging injuries over the years.

and because the talented shortstop didnt have the greatest relationship with the ownership of the red sox, especially after they attempted to replace him with alex rodriguez, some sox fans believed that some of the injuries may have been exaggerated by the emotionally sensitive infielder.

this prompted cynical sox fans to raise an eyebrow when, after the allegedly injured nomar was traded to the cubs in a four team trade where the cubs had to give away their defensively stong young shortstop alex gonzalez and very little else, he didnt seem hurt at all.

not that the good people of new england would wish ill on their pride and joy, but “wtf” probably went through more than a few minds when nomar neatly compiled a .333 batting average in his first 17 games with the cubs with three home runs, 11 RBI and two stolen bases.

the red sox, you probably know, once traded babe ruth.

and then never won a world series again.

the team they traded him to, the new york yankees, after receiving “the babe” went on to become one of the most dominant and winning teams in all of professional sport.

so sox fans, as you can imagine, get a little a nervous when they trade away their former #1 draft choice, rookie of the year, five time all star, two time batting champ who only four years ago hit .372 (unheard of from right-handed hitter).

they breathed a sigh of relief this week when nomar missed the three games in a row.

not that they wish anything bad to their suffering brothers in chicago, they just were hit with a cold slap of reality when nomars replacement (the defensively minded orlando cabrera) went a paltry 9 for 54 at the plate.

in the last ten games not only has cabrera racked up 18 hits in the last 10 games, but he’s proving to be a dynamite #2 hitter in front of manny ramirez and david ortiz.

mixed with the dark joy of seeing nomar mia for the cubs for three games straight, the messages from the east coast were inevitable.

well, thank you for your concern. nomar returned to the cub lineup on tuesday, he got his first hit on wednesday, and here in the top of the sixth he’s gone 2 for 3 with a ribbie and a run scored.

the cubs by the way are on a four game winning streak, mark prior is currenly pitching and winning 7-2 over the astros thanks in part to back to back homers from sammy and aramis ramirez.

we hope to see you in the world series.

by you, i mean the red sox.

the idea of nomar going up against the team that he loves and hates, in the world series playing for the cubs, a team that nobody could possibly hate, would be drama that would make shakespeare jealous.

especially if the sox had to beat the yankees to get there.

third deck + mona lisa smile + doc searls

the dentist got me out of bed today.

remind me not to arrange for three dentist appointments spread out over three days of vacation next time.

in fact remind me to go somewhere exotic with a girl in a pink bikini like italy or memphis or somewhere interesting.

she gassed me, took some long needles and shot me up, and then went at it with a jackhammer. shes quite good. i never feel a thing.

afterwards i just started walking through beverly hills and west hollywood.

made it all the way to the fabulous sunset strip and still kept walking.

walked into the virgin megastore which is funny because i never thought i would ever allow myself to buy anything from a megastore of anything other than if there was really truly a place called xXxmeGAStorexXx and i got the new benny hill dvd.

fucking love benny hill.

people think it was bukowski that got me into poetry. well before bukowski i was into poetry but during a very important period of my life, my early teens, they started broadcasting benny hill on the public broadcasting station in chicago.

wttw channel eleven. they showed us benny, dave allen, monty python, dr. who, and “image union”, most of those on sunday nights. prime time for anyone procrastinating homework.

limericks arent easy but benny hill was the master at them.

after i do a few things around the house, expect a review of the triple dvd edition that i just picked up for $40 out the door.

yes miss montreal called me psychicaly as i walked near her home even though she has a boyfriend youd think she would be thinking about instead of me. who hasnt gotten any since anna kornikova flew home to russia for a summer visit.

yes ashley will be on the front of my web site again very soon.

yes the cubs swept the brewers and now prepare to do the same to the houston astros who come hobbling into wrigley field.

yes i can get used to this sit at home most of the day in cut off pajama bottoms drinking beer and listening to weezer covers with all the lights off at three am ignoring the booty call ringing on my cell because somethings are way more trouble than theyre worth.

yes ken layne has returned just in time for the landslide.

yes, the president is afraid of a one armed no legged man.

more from the mail bag:

Subj: Anthony — How can you say such things?

Hi Tony — got my work done so I thought I’d drop you a line. I like your blog but I think your comment about the Bible not saying anything about extramarital sex was unfortunate.

But first I have a real problem with that photo of the volleyball player’s butt. My problem is that I know of no guy who thinks skinny women like that are attractive. Nearly all men agree that women should have curves that are soft and squeezable. How it came to be that women decided to have butts like mens’ is a terrible thing — and it probably suppresses our birthrate too. Thank God for illegal immigration or we’d be in decline.

So you are a fallen-away Catholic. I think I know why. The culture of the Church these past 30 years has offered very little spiritual nourishment. I remember back in the 70s during ccd, all we did was color. Perhaps your experience was as lame. They didn’t teach us anything about the faith at all. There are many theories but all discipline was lost after the council and the priesthood largely became the home of homosexual dilettantes. Mass became a spectacle of bad music and hand shaking. Ex-Catholics litter the land. We can agree on most of this, yes?

I’m the only Catholic left in my family. I left first but came back when I was 25 and got confirmed and all. I can put up a pretty reasonable defense of the faith if you are interested. If not, OK. We have a robust Latin Mass community here in Sacramento. Standing room only always and the average age is like 5 — mostly because of the large families, but also because there are a lot of 20-somethings going to the Latin Mass these days.

In fact, it is the best place to meet a wife, hands down. They are hot, they are virginal, and all they want to do is find a good man to take care of and have kids. If you want to meet people who aren’t hung up about sex, you have to include Trad Catholics because they do it for real, the way God intended.

Back to the main point — your statement that extra-marital sex is not prohibited by the decalogue is hilarious and you know it. But more importantly, you say the Bible doesn’t say this, doesn’t say that etc. Tell me this: where in the Bible does it say that the Bible itself if the sole rule of faith? Indeed, there was no new testament for nearly four centuries after Christ. What pray-tell did all the Christians do without it? I’ll answer — they were guided by one rule of faith, the Church’s. The Church put the good book together, and there is no other argument for saying that the Bible is holy except for the fact the Catholic Church says so.

Therefore, they are petty damn well qualified for saying what it means.

What say you?

I like your blog. Take care.

Eric

hi eric,

glad you like the blog.

theres not one word in the bible that denounces pre marital hetero sex between two non-married people.

no laws, no suggestions, no stories, no tales, no asides, no nothing.

if a church wants to make up their beliefs about it, like how they made up crap about cardinals, bishops, confession & all the other things that go against the new testament Christian teachings of the only way to the father is through the son then they can.

and if people wanna follow it then good for them. i just wish they would stop using the Bible as their main text and start publishing the Catholic Rulez and stack those bad boys in the pews, because there is very little in the old or new testament that explains what the Catholic church is all about, which is probably why they kept the bible in latin for so long and turned their backs to the flock.

the Bible was pretty clear at the end of the text warning against such disobediances as adding to the words of the good book.

in the Bible the Lord describes Himself as the alpha and the omega, which to me says He is the first and last word of everything, including how things should be done on Earth, but definately how things should look like in church. Never was there a mention of celibate priests, or popes acting as middlemen for God.

one of the main tenants that seperates Christians from pagans is the lack of idols, lack of pokemen, lack of individualized mini-gods that one should pray to for specific needs/wants.

everything is supposed to go through Jesus, the Messiah. everything.

but Catholics fuck that up with Saints, they fuck it up with the Pope and confession, and this bizarre idea of replacing or supplimenting the gospel ties right into the history of this church who’s sole purpose, it seems, is to wrestle power away from Above and put it into the hands of men who will change its rules based on the politics of the day.

you want stories about politics and church drama and the ways of men interfering with spirituality? the bible has tons of those. (though none about pre-marital sex… interesting)

meanwhile, there seems to be enough guidelines, and rules, and stories in the Bible to live our lives by (that we still have problems living up to) that we dont need Man to throw in their two cents.

If I wanted to believe in a lower power then I would obey the ideas of man, particularly old school polish/italians who want to make up their own rules that are not based in scripture but based in their own interpretations of dozens of things.

Instead I want to believe in a higher power, which is why I obey the word of the Lord, thus the Bible.

And that is why I no longer call myself a Catholic: not because i was bored in CCD but because I actually read the Book.

thanks for writing,

Tony

in search of utopia + tech law advisor + makeout city

danielle just called

i think, in part to notify me that there are currently no pictures of her on my blog, on the blog header, or on the main page.

with buzznet going through some understandable growing pains as they relaunch and their redesigned system, i offer you the picture to the right from our danielle archives.

and now to the mailbag

Hey Tony.

I am publishing a book of my poems and selling them through the blog.

I was wondering if you could impart any wisdom about the self-publishing process, since you’ve put out, what, two Blooks now?

Kinkos n’ mail ’em out myself? Cafe Press? I don’t mind putting in a lot of work if it means the price to the reader is lower.

Any experiences you’ve had would be awesomely helpful.

Thanks.

DC Pierson

dear dc,

i have self published five books of poems and one blook. they are both very different things to make.

the easiest form of selfpublishing are poetry chapbooks.

alot of my poems are pretty short, so i was able to take an 8.5″ x 11″ standard peice of paper, fold it, and get two poems per page going.

that means if you have 30 good poems you’d only need about 22 pages to put together a nice little chap book. once you have all the pages printed out and copied, you staple it in the middle with two staples, fold them and mail em out.

total cost about $1 a chapbook.

Blook was harder because each one was 125 pages, so i went to a copy store and had them bind it with that crappy plastic binding that made it look like a college reader.

total cost about $9.

i will be coming out with a new blook hopefully soon.

i plan on doing it through Cafe Press because it will make something that not only actually looks like a real book, but they will collect the money and deal with the shipping and everything.

even though i sold about 150 Blooks within about 4 weeks, i made very little if any profit and it was a royal pain.

cafe press is a reputable company that has already given me one commission check from my lame ass merch store that i set up with them, it seems reasonable to think that i could write something, put it in .PDF, email it to them and have people buy it through the blog.

we’ll see.

good luck on your book!

tp

sk smith + danielle + mc brown

Would That It Were

John Kerry on the Daily Show

comedy central, 8/24/04

i’ll admit im a ignorant blowhard at times. a jackhole who talks out of his ass. a beligerant predictable fool who knows as much about politics as macrobiotics, but i can tell the difference between a retard and a dullard

and so can america.

the interesting thing is how much of this country backs the tard no matter what just because he’s wearing their gang colors.

i feel about george w. bush the exact same way that i feel about sammy hagar in van halen:

i realize some of you fucking frat boys just need someone to nod your head to, but this isnt even good.

know that every time you tell me that george bush deserves four more years running this country, all i hear is “sammy haggar deserves to make four more records with van halen.”

and i want to slap you.

and it makes me know that you’re high on something.

and then i become jealous.

and then i want to slap you.

john kerry was on the daily show last night and the man is no clinton.

hes stiff, hes softspoken, hes awkward, he sounds like someones dad, he looks like he’s gonna fart any second, and the pressure of possibly losing to one of the dumbest and least-successful presidents of all time has got to be a motherfucker.

id suggest that the dude lighten up, but the scary thing is i think he is lightened up.

which isnt that scary, really. call me crazy but i think i could deal with eight years of a boring serious dude who isnt in bed with the saudis. i think i can live with the price of ketchup going up the way oil has under the bushes for example.

everyone is all, fuck the medals fuck the national guard records fuck nam and cambodia, lets talk about the real issues.

fine then

gasoline is a real issue that pretty much everyone who doesnt ride the bus has to deal with.

gasoline is so fucking high that when it drops to $1.89 people are all “whooo-hooo, lucky day!”

its almost as though people know that when your president’s family are oil people then you’re gonna get screwed at the pump when hes in office.

its almost as though it went up and up and up until people almost couldnt stand it and then it sank down to a reasonable gauge that people dont even murmer about and thats where it stays.

john kerry was on the daily show last night and he was pretty dull. he tried to laugh at the very funny john stewart but he was obviously afraid that if he did he’d fart and he didnt want that.

stewart knew that he would ramble into his stump-points and the following exchange took place:

STEWART:

Now how– how are you holding up? This has been a– it’s been a rough couple weeks. I’ve been following– I watch a lot of the cable news shows. So I understand that apparently you were never in Vietnam. (LAUGHTER)

KERRY:

(LAUGHTER) That’s what I understand, too. But I– I’m trying to find out what happened.

STEWART:

Exactly. It’s nice, though. I know– 35 years ago I have friends that have come forward and say– you did have cooties. You know, that sort of thing. (LAUGHTER) Is it– do you– do you– is it hard not to take it personally?

Is it a difficult thing not to take personally when– when they come out and– and your word, it’s– it’s in the public files. So–

JOHN KERRY:

You know what it is, Jon? It– it– it’s disappointing because I think most Americans would like to have a much more intelligent conversation about where the country’s going. And– (APPLAUSE) yeah, I think that– you know, and– and, yeah, it’s a little bit disappointing. But believe it or not, I’ve been through worse. (LAUGHTER)

STEWART:

Right. I– I can imagine. When– when– these guys– were you surprised at all that–

KERRY:

No.

STEWART:

–they– that they– that they–

KERRY:

Sure I’m surprised. But surprised in a sense. But now that I begin to see the web and the network, I’m not surprised. I think– you know, it’s politics. And for whatever reasons, the– the– and I think Americans will discover it as we go forward in the next four or five weeks, George Bush doesn’t wanna talk about the real issues. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Come out and say we lost 1.8 million jobs?

Four million Americans lost their healthcare. We’re going backwards on the environment. We– angered everybody in the world.

STEWART:

Sir, I’m sorry. Were you or were you not in Cambodia on Christmas Eve? (LAUGHTER) They said– you said five miles. They said three. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) No, I– I think that’s a very interesting

it was very funny.

thing was, what started as a joke (Stewart sarcasticaly ambushing Kerry with the question of the day) actually could have been journalism if Stewart had waited a tick.

but because it was a comedy show, when the president didnt have a snappy, funny comeback (or for that matter even sense the humor and sarcasm) jon stewart bailed the nominee out.

theres no question that sen. kerry appeared on the show because it would be a softball appearance the same way the president and the first lady were on larry king, a way to get on national tv in a cozy warm-fuzzy manner.

not only did stewart miss a great opportunity by letting kerry answer the question, but the would-be president missed a greater opportunity by not having an answer ready for a sure fire slam dunk in such a friendly confine as the daily show.

but this is a man who isnt quick on his feet like bill clinton

and knows that theres a time and a place for everything

and i would wager that even if kerry did have a good comeback, it would be in his best interest to keep it in his pocket until the proper time and place,

because if the bush administration thinks that the best way to convince people that america needs george bush is to focus on john kerry’s vietnam record

then it’s in john kerrys best interest to make them feel comfortable in their lunacy.

im ready for eight years of a boring steady safe chunk of rational leadership.

which would lead nicely to a hilary/barrack ticket sure to bring back the drama that we would yearn for.

complete trascript via wonkette

its 5:08am

you know that youre on vacation when you can type that without a care in the world.

i am starting to see that this is the way civilized man lives.

stay up all night, wake up late. roam around. enjoy all the room on the busses in the afternoon.

smile at everyone else who isnt working.

this is how it should be done.

i worked in the morning on the photo essay, i worked when i got home. i would call that contributing to society.

way more than whoever the fuck makes marmaduke.

everythings marketing.

in the mail today i got a post card from ms raymi the minx.

i also got some art from an anonymous sender

im pretty sure i know who it is.

i procrastinated a lot on that photo essay.

i thought this morning i was gonna have it done but when i came home i worked like a good 3-4 more hours on it. so many pictures to go through. then you have to optimize them. yes, those are optimized. still huge, i know.

bought a lottery ticket with four quarters.

seventy five million dollars what the jackpot is.

i would go to the bank and get bag fulls of $2 bills, and i would walk down the street and ask people if i could give them a $2 bill for a picture.

and then i would take their picture and i would put it on my blog.

i would then collect the best pictures and make a photo book and sell the book with the proceeds going to charity, etc.

why didnt the cubs get larry walker?

i almost saw a movie today.

called miss montreal like four times but she had left her phone at home.

my entire childhood would have been different if i had had a cell phone.

or a blog for that matter.

five twenty one am. this is why the good lord doesnt let me stay up this late.

saw this deaf couple yell at each other today because a guy in a wheelchair was trying to get around one of them.

the one who understood kept waving his arms around

but the other one wasnt looking

and the wheelchair guy had his hand on the joystick waiting to push forward but the opening wasnt coming.

i sat there listening to duke ellington on my ipod completely spaced out to the universe

just laying back cuz my stop isnt for a good three stops.

and what the hell am i gonna say to a deaf lady.

my post on metafilter + got discussed on metatalk, the politics are fascinating but it all leads to a clean and reliable discussion group + roger avery, quentin t.’s cowriter on pulp fiction says q isnt blogging here + layne says its real

buffalo 66 is one of my favorite movies

vincent gallo is the man. people think i work at this tv station but i dont. one of my best friends works there and i used to hang out there a lot. once he showed me this long rant that vincent went on about mickey rourke and all these other actors. he basically called all these other actors fakers except for rourke.

im the biggest faker there is. this chick asked me about this blog the other day and said that she read in an interview where i said that i hold back a lot. i said, yes i do. i self edit like mad. theres a damn muzzle on this thing. shes was all, i would never know. i said its sad and true. she said then let go let it out and i said do you really want to read 20 posts about baseball? fantasy baseball? followed by 20 posts about fucking two mexican girls, one of whom translates this blog and puts it on her livejournal page.

the girl said i would skip over the baseball stuff. i said everyone would skip over all the stuff and if i ever wanted to get hired by anyone one day they would think i was a mad man.

when in chimed her sister who said, yeah when i found out i was going to meet you i thought you were going to be this pissed off angry bastard with a chip on his shoulder, but youre so mellow. soooooo mellow.

which i am. so i told her thats why you have to be careful about what you read and how you read it.

what are the agendas of the writers. whats going on for them. what are they selling. what ideas are they trying to shove down your throats.

the one said the la times doesnt have an agenda.

and i laughed so hard the horn section of the mariachi band asked me to take it down a notch.

today i took a bus through beverly hills. i was to have a root canal. my dentist had referred me to this guy who was two blocks away from rodeo drive. the strangest thoughts were going through my head. fine way to break out of being a cheapskate finding the Most expensive specialist you could probably ever get caught up with?

he sat me in the chair, took an xray and told me to come back on friday cuz we had gotten a “late start”. the dude was super tanned and had bright white teeth.

a slight massachussettes accent.

afterwards i sat in the jack in the box on fairfax and edited something that i want to publish and i was shocked at how much it didnt suck.

and one day i will have the courage of anti and gallo and raymi and bukowski.

does quentin tarantino have a blogspot blog? (buzzmachine via adrants)