in an instant message conversation to raymi le minx.

raymi says: father christmas?

me: my love

raymi says: last time i interviewed you

me: so raymi le minx, you have a new man in your life. tell us about him

raymi says: no

raymi says: you are such a gossip queen

raymi says: like i know i am the paris hilton of blogging et all…

me: you talked about him in your blog just now

raymi says: yes well ok what do u want to know, u have to be specific and i have to agree to how the question is asked because if you havent noticed these days i am a big witch

me: ive never seen you as a big witch

raymi says: ok

me: and no, you will answer the questions

raymi says: well it’s kind of a front

me: i know

raymi says: shut up

me: where did you kiss him first?

raymi says: on his mouth

me: drunk or sober?

raymi says: i forget

me: did he kiss you or did you kiss him

raymi says: i think i instigated it because i am the horny sex monster and he is more reserved

me: what made you instigate

raymi says: he’s a babe

me: was it his ass or his eyes?

raymi says: he’s the full package, like a hundred feet tall and geeky like me as in smart and he’s older, i’m attracted to oldness

raymi says: he also has a motorbike

raymi says: and is sensitive but also an asshole and likes cats bla bla, arent bloggers going to be annoyed by all this cute love shit?

me: never pander to the audience

me: theres a picture of you on one, can you drive one?

raymi says: no thats not me that’s aimee u moron

me: you guys look totally alike

me: plus i dont believe half your blog half the time

raymi says: well it’s all true u big gay

raymi says: just kuz yer blog is all fantasy crap doesnt mean everyone else lies

me: good point. so wait are you in love?

raymi says: yes

me: how long after kissing him did you tell him that you loved him

raymi says: i didnt have to tell him i think he got the point

me: so youve never told him

raymi says: yes i have

me: how long after kissing him did you tell him that you loved him

raymi says: i forget

raymi says: my philosophy on loving someone is, just say it and who cares how they react. although some dudes are big commitmentphobes kuz maybe their ex lova’s were cunts to them and did bad things so now theyre all nervous about being involved

either way, as a species, humans are not meant to be alone so u may as well jump right in whenever u get the chance, and eventually u find the one who u decide not to fuck around on because u know theyre not gonna do that to you

raymi says: ok this is me basically interviewing myself, what the hell are you doing? are you crying?

me: im giving you time to type, ho

me: take it easy

me: how many boyfriends have you told that you loved them

raymi says: all of them

me: haha

me: why are you being so defensive

me: youre miss i dont give a fuck

raymi says: im not being defensive

raymi says: when was i being defensive

me: youre not answering the questions and you know it

me: i may as well interview the president

raymi says: which question did i not answer to your liking?

me: all

me: how many bfs have you had

raymi says: u asked me which boyfriends did i say to them i loved them

raymi says: and i said all of them

raymi says: did u want more detail?

me: of course

raymi says: ok next question.

raymi says: well be more specific with your questions.

me: fine

raymi says: remember yer talking to the majorest deflector of personal questions ever who is also a smartass

me: why do you deflect personal questions

raymi says: and also every single ex bf reads my blog who will in-turn read yours. u ding a ling.

me: fuck them

me: why are you suddenly caring what people think

me: you just totally reamed non-size-0 women in my comments

raymi says: because i grew a conscience

me: and yet youre worried about 5-6 exs

me: uggg

me: let me extract it

raymi says: well ask me a question that i feel like answering then

raymi says: im allowed a bit of privacy arent i

me: whatever you say naked chick

raymi says: grr

raymi says: so because i get naked that means i have to share all my dirty secrets.

me: definately

me: because talking about kissing and love is so dirty

raymi says: thats bullshit and you know it

raymi says: ok ask another question blonty

me: are you happy that i bought jaime’s poster of you

raymi says: do u want me to talk about the two drug dealers who were abusive to me, and negative shit like that

raymi says: yes i am happy.

raymi says: i am drawing a picture for you right now in paint

me: awesome, email it to me when youre done and i’ll post it

me: no i want you to talk about love and kissing

raymi says: ok last nite we got loaded drinking whiskey and ginerales and i was like YOURE CUTE every 3 minutes and kissing him and shit and we were watching return of the king and he was all sick and i was crawling around being drunk and gay and he was drunk too and took a bunch of not flattering pictures of me and my pants pulled down

raymi says: gingerales not ginerales

me: i love gingerales

me: is it the canadian national non beer drink

raymi says: we ran out eventually and so went to coca cola

raymi says: i guess so. u can mix it with beer to, that drink is called a shandy, shandy ale. it’s very british.

me: never heard of that

raymi says: well thats because u are american and u dont any better

me: ps youve never taken a bad picture

raymi says: well u dont get to see those ones

raymi says: hm i am making u a gay banner

me: how did you know i needed a gay banner?!?

raymi says: well u use them all the time so maybe u might want one made by me

me: if they change it so foreigners can run for president i would run with you as my vp

me: and the whole fucking thing would be televised

me: on pay per view, fuckrs

raymi says: and then we would be assassinated

me: fine with me

raymi says: no i dont want to be assassinated. i want to live and be scared that i will be assassinated one day, i dont want it to actually happen though

me: are you familiar with the works of mr. gg allin?

me: i believe he was canadian

raymi says: who the fuck is that

me: great punk singer

me: didnt give a fuck

me: had the tiniest weiner

me: didnt give a fuck

raymi says: thats another thing about canadians, we dont even know which ones of us are canadian. if you arent celine dion or john candy, then you arent canadian. basically

me: cut himself with broken bottles when he sang his bad punk songs that were oddly really good

me: i dont think he was canadian

me: i made that part up

raymi says: wow he sounds like he didnt get much attention as a kid

me: i think he was from jersey

me: hed poop on stage and throw it at the crowd

raymi says: thats fucknig dumb

raymi says: i’d punch him

me: he kicked the fans

me: all he would ever have on would be cowboy boots

me: for kicking people

me: when are you moving?

me: and where to?

raymi says: toronto

me: how far away are you now?

raymi says: not too far

me: are you moving in with your boy?

raymi says: no

raymi says: with ward

me: do i know ward?

raymi says: i write about him all the time. he is an idiot savante

me: whats idiot about him then?

raymi says: he’s very smart in that dept. like taking them apart and putting them back together again and he builds them for people as a side business

raymi says: oh he’s ADD with a sprinkle of dyslexia and he’s kinda socially inept and doesnt think til after he does something and doesnt remember stuff.

raymi says: u know like so smart that hes dumb. like rainman cept in a different way.

me: how did you meet him?

raymi says: drama class, high school.

raymi says: grade 11 i think, tho he is a year older, the worst acting skills that i have ever seen

raymi says: fucking hilarious

me: you really need to be filming your entire life

raymi says: i know

raymi + about raymi + i think manic

these are the new jams that i rocked more than once in 2004 in no particular order:

1. loretta lynne – van lear rose

2. green day – american idiot

3. morrissey – you are the quarry

4. the pixies – Live 4/13/04

5. nirvana – with the lights out

6. the donnas – gold medal

7. eminem – encore

8. kayne west – college dropout

9. sonic youth – sonic nurse

10. britney spears – in the zone

11. prince – musicology

12. tom waits – real gone

13. the walkmen – bows and arrows

14. brian wilson – smile

15. wilco – a ghost is born

16. bad religion – the empire strikes first

17. tv on the radio – despearate youth

18. tsar – music from band, girls, money advance cd

19. greg vaine – the many sides of

p.s. im on tv today 4pm pacific, 7pm eastern G4TV the screen savers, pimping my blook

leah + amanita + fimoculous

today

how to leave a comment

1. kiss my ass.

2. if you cant kiss my ass, ask a question.

3. if you cant do either of those, have the guts courtesy of filling in the email address or home page portion of the comment box. everyone agrees that anonymous negative commentors are pussy ass bitches whose opinons are not even worth the milisecond that it will take to delete them.

if you have the nerve to come into someone elses house and talk shit, have the backbone to identify yourself. i wouldnt accept a check without your signature, so fuck your pissy comment without a real email address.

and that goes for you democrats too.

4. but people say oh but i will get spam oh i will get spam.

a. only fools put their primary email address on the internet.

b. when they ask you your email address type it out like this busblog@g[mail].com

c. create an email account for spam, look i just made one on Yahoo

busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com

im runnin with scissors im runnin with scissors

busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com busblog@yahoo.com

d. notice that the world didnt end.

e. a sincere commentor should want the reader to know that theyre serious about their rebuttal. the simplist way one could discount a negative comment is to say, that person was certainly kidding as they didnt even leave their name.

f. only cowards hide and snipe from the shadows, the only thing more pathetic and hopeless is someone who does it on a fucking blog on the internet.

5. politely alert me of a correction that should be made. if a hyperlink is available, please use it.

6. if you have nothing useful to say, be funny. be the guy who pops in with a little joke and then pops out real quick.

but you better be funny.

7. if youre busy at work, inarticulate, or flying a helicopter above the dreary clouds of hollywoodland, keep it short and/or use these:

a. right on

b. fuck yeah

c. omg for sure!

d. you know, bush does suck!

e. please accept this generous tip

f. bullshit

id much rather accept some ignorant ass with a real email address simply calling out bullshit than boring me with these fat generic lies of “you’ve crossed the line now pierce im never coming back here again! humph!”

just call bullshit and go back to watching your stories grampa. your votes been counted.

8. a polite, lean, direct rebutal resonates much louder than a clumsy wandering stale belch. say exactly what you disagree with, offer an alternative, provide examples.

or, call bullshit while leaving your fucking earthshattering blog’s address.

9. do this everywhere you go

bicycle mark + science blog has a new look + tech law advisor + ecstasy helps dying people

so all the newscasters are on full blown extra special Storm Watch mode.

omg it’s raining here in the valley, some dude in a eddie bauer rain coat is saying in a microphone

omg it’s raining here in hollywood, some chick in a paddington bear yellow rain coat is saying in her microphone

omg a tree just fell on top of three Land Rovers here in brentwood, some dude is yelling into his microphone

and then theres the traffic reports: omg theres traffic!

omg someone got stuck under an overpass!

omg somebody else got stuck under the same overpass — people if you dont need to be outside please dont go outside, the reporter in her all-weather gear preaches to the working world,

even though, infact shes outside telling us that its raining.

i want to shake my tv and say, not everyone flies chopper one for the xbi and got the day off because you cant really fly on such an f’ed up day! some people work for a livingm, lady!

im thinking about tidying up for my maid who will hopefully be here on thursday.

im thinking about writing a book called “how to keep your bitches in line”

im thinking about going to the doctor

im thinking about going to the cinema

im thinking about watching regis.

as much as i complain about work, i do miss it on days like today where there is crime out there, just far less of it, but superheroes shouldnt care about quanity, if you can crack one crook over the head youve made a difference.

im thinking about having lunch with miss montreal but shes at her mamas house in miami.

im thinking about reading some of the many books that santa brought down my chiminey.

im thinking about you.

web nymph + welch blogging like mad from europe + chokey chicken