i loved that ashley was christian.

catholic, technically, but i didnt hold that against her.

i also liked that you always knew where she was.

usually it was on your lap.

sometimes i’ll go to an art opening or a wrap party or a wake and i cant for the life of me remember who i brought as my date because they’d have disappeared in with the crowd, champions of an odd but effective game of hard-to-get

not only would ashley be there holding your hand, but both of her hands were holding your hand.

wanna make out right there in the subway. fine.

she might even sigh right after and hold your arm

with both her hands.

i kid about the girls who come over for the first time and are naked within minutes but i kissed ashley minutes after getting back into our suite at caesars.

had to.

we had chatted for four months but never talked about sex or kissing or anything pg-13 or worse.

the whole time i thought it was a setup the fbi were tricking me into so id have to go back to work with them.

easiest trick in the book too.

why would that girl be interested in me.

many people dont know this, but in all of las vegas guess where we went to talk in person for the first time? the dairy queen.

totally fine unless you get the one where we were at that had the most flourescent lights youve ever seen. so good you could see every pore in a 108 year old man’s face. a little too good for my liking.

we ordered but neither of us could eat.

i think i kissed her for two nights straight.

i think she cried when i left.

and i think when i flew home every thought was about her and what the hell am i going to do about a girl 1/9th my age, who’s perfectly fine, and maybe just a little too fine for my liking.

cheap brie looks sweet but some of us are here for the bite francois.

so two years later we broke up.

crazy mudslide near santa barbara + the sugar conspiracy + heroinegirl

with drew and tom green, but i like to think it was closer to drew and adam sandler.

im a lot less canadian in real life than i appear on the web.

im trying to think of the best time that i ever had with ashley. it might have been the first time i kissed her.

i was in las vegas for business.

undercover business.

i could stay anywhere but ashley asked me to book somewhere off the strip.

she was my new best friend, and vegas has no bad hotels so i got a place super close to where she was living.

i picked her up and she was a little wisp of blonde and white and youth and excitement. lots like her pics but moreso. very much the fairy that she imagines herself as being.

sorta weird for a hardened crimefighter like myself who normally deals with the seedier side of mankind and not the soft fluffy and mythical.

picked her up after making it through two security gates and we drove around the strip and made it to my room.

always uncomfortable when you dont know a girl and you’re all, sooo, wanna come up to my room?

fortunately she said yes.

i had diet cokes cold chillin in my specially designed diet coke container.

i pay per viewed drew’s Charlies Angeles, which we had both seen before and liked

and then i made the hey-wanna-massage move

turned out ashley loved being touched

and didnt notice that i was a little rusty with the South Side Shiatsu technique that i used to fucking master.

her hair was thicker than i expected. i could see her smiling via a well placed mirror.

then i could see that her eyes were closed

so i wispered permission to kiss her neck

and lady luck shined down on me as permission was granted.

what i wrote a few days later + and this + and this

seems like just the other day i walked over to my computer to find me someone to talk to when i stumbled across her folder of pictures on the internet, and subsequent email address.

things arent really supposed to work out that easilly. are they? oh look, a super cute girl, i think i’ll email her. look at that, she emailed back. a few months later – she knows everything about you, and still wants to be naked with you. constantly.

the only thing that ive encountered in my 111 years thats weirder weirder

is dubyas reelection.

but nothing makes sense.

life isnt fair.

may as well ask the pretty girl to the dance.

she might be adorable and fun and never boring and exciting and

she might even put a smile on your face

if you let her.

friends, when i met ashley i was a broken man.

down on my luck.

kicked to the curb.

i had no money, bad credit, no job, no car,

and a bad attitude.

fortunately she was so young most of the dudes she dated were in the same boat.

pretty much up for anything except watching porn.

cant get everything, i suppose.

once we took a little moonlight drive to nowhere,

pulled over and laid down in the grass beneath an old oak tree

crickets chirped and frogs croaked

and when the summer breeze picked up a tad you could hear the brook bubbling its way to the desalizination plant.

that girl could fall asleep anywhere

and as a shooting star arched its way across the galaxy

her eyes blinked shut and i sat there and i held her

and watched the moondrops spill into the ocean

while the nightingales danced atop the tall grass

and im not with her anymore for her own good

im not with her anymore cuz im a dumbass.

ashley and her groovy friends + mrciabrdy wants to direct connect + our last days together