one has to look deeply into the mirror of one’s soul and decide one’s unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is.

And so my truth is that I am a gay American. And I am blessed to live in the greatest nation with the tradition of civil liberties, the greatest tradition of civil liberties in the world, in a country which provides so much to its people.

Today a man put a long shaft up my anus.

I walked into a building and allowed the man to do it.

I closed my eyes and grunted. He said to take deep long breaths and try to relax.

On the tip of the shaft was a tiny camera. It was a video camera with a fish eye lens. It looked just like a Beastie Boys music video except instead of seeing the three bad brothers we love so well we saw my hairy ass cheeks and then my puckered exit which became an entrance and now im gay.

It didnt end there though, friends. That was just the begining. The shaft went up in me and through my colon. Even though I had earlier been given an emema(!) the camera reported debris in my system. It didnt look like any debris I’d ever seen come out of me. It was green and looked like cottage cheese. Apparently next to the camera there was a vaccuum or something and soon the shot was clear.

Ah yes you have very healthy tissue, my doctor said.

It was the famous Goatsx shot over and over and over as the camera delved deeper into my virgin territory. A lot of it wasnt bad but sometimes the doc wanted to take some twists and turns that made life unbearable. Someone later said that I could have been on “drugs” aka nitrous oxide, but no one told me that beforehand. All they repeatedly asked was “who’s taking you home?”

I live very close, I will be walking home.

Which I did. yes i did. my first walk as a gay american.

yes i still love women, but i just did the gayest thing i could imagine. if my friends that i grew up with saw what i did theyd point and call me what i am, a limp wristed girlieman.

i predict my apartment will get tidier and i will have dust ruffles around my bedside soon.

the parade of cheerleaders will dry up and replaced by a congaline of male cheerleaders.

tom cruise will be jumping on my couch any day now.

i miss my former heterosexual self and life, but now that im gay, i feel taller, somehow and more superior for some reason that i cant explain.

the doctor’s parting advice? drink more water and your ass wont have any more troubles.

there was a fire at a highrise at sunset and vine today. some people used to think that that “abandonded” building was the secret hq of the xbi. those people would be half right. it was the secret hq, but it hasnt been for a very long time. so now everyone can stop calling me to find out if im ok.

im fine. but i’ll be shopping at trader joe’s more and joining a gym.

curtis + man descending + zulieka + serenity now + hospital pics

Bush Calls Human Rights Report ‘Absurd’

May 31, 11:21 AM (ET)

By TERENCE HUNT

WASHINGTON (AP) – President Bush called a human rights report “absurd” for criticizing the United States’ detention of terrorist suspects at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and said Tuesday the allegations were made by “people who hate America.”

“It’s absurd. It’s an absurd allegation. The United States is a country that promotes freedom around the world,” Bush said of the Amnesty International report that compared Guantanamo to a Soviet-era gulag.

In a Rose Garden news conference, Bush defiantly stood by his domestic policy agenda while defending his actions abroad. With the death toll climbing daily in Iraq, he said that nation’s fledging government is “plenty capable” of defeating terrorists whose attacks on Iraqi civilians and U.S. soldiers have intensified.

Bush spoke after separate air crashes killed four American and four Italian troops in Iraq. The governor of Anbar province, taken hostage three weeks ago, was killed during clashes between U.S. forces and the insurgents who abducted him.

Bush said the job of the U.S. forces there is to help train Iraqis to defeat terrorists.

“I think the Iraqi people dealt the insurgents a serious blow when we had the elections,” Bush said. “In other words, what the insurgents fear is democracy because democracy is the opposition of their vision.”

On another foreign policy issue, Bush said he expressed concerns with Russian President Vladimir Putin about legal proceedings against former oil tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky. Once the richest man in Russia, Khodorkovsky was convicted Tuesday of fraud and tax evasion and sentenced to nine years in prison following a trail widely denounced as politically motivated.

Bush did not comment directly on the verdict, but said, “it looked like he had been judged guilty prior to having a fair trial.”

The president said he has questioned whether the case shows a backsliding away from the rule of law and democracy in Russia and said it will “be interesting to see” how Khodorkovsky’s expected appeal is handled by the government.

“Here, you’re innocent until proven guilty and it appeared to us, at least people in my administration, that it looked like he had been ajudged guilty prior to having a fair trial,” Bush said. “We’re watching the ongoing case.”

okrent vs krugman + anti + matt good + jenny good

is ass awareness month here on the busblog and since the month is nearly over, heres your ass update.

the doctor called at nine am this morning. murphys law since i didnt get to sleep till five am. four hours is perfect. thats all a man needs.

he says, drink four tablespoons of milk of magnesium and get an enema kit.

he says, have you eaten anything yet? good. just liquids.

i was all, so you want me to drink the milk of magnesia and do the enema?

he was all, drink the magnesium and we’ll do the enema here.

dont get old, kids.

i was all, ok, i’ll be there at two pm.

he was all, how about one pm.

i was like fine, one pm.

ive said it before i’ll say it again everythings negotiable in hollywood. ask the virgins.

so i went outside and walked over to the mom and pop mini market. its not a real mini market. you can tell it was never intended to be a mini market.

a dude was sitting on a metal chair. he had a hat on. you never know if theyre filming anything here or youre being punk’d but you just play along.

i went in there circled around the row and asked the chair guy, do you have any milk of magnesia. he pointed. all they had was a huge container that looked like a quart of oil. ten bucks the cashier dude told me. plus tax. he was on the phone. pinatas hanging right above him.

and i got home and unwrapped it. a little cup was in there that seemed way more than four tablespoons. and i drank it and it was gross and i thought pretend youre on survivor. swallow it and stick your tounge out at jeff probst.

all of this so a guy can stick a camera up my ass.

so far my memory has failed me nearly twice. im such a creature of habit ive already put a bagel in the toaster and poured cereal into a bowl completely forgetting that i cant eat anything.

the first time i had to drink something like this was when i had a kidney stone and after it passed the doc made me drink some crappy crap and the next day he was going to make me drink a fluid which would show up in an xray. for some reason i thought the laxitive was going to make me uncontrolably xpell. is this gross enough for you. but it didnt and in a strange way i was somewhat disappointed. all it did was churn my stomach like i had eaten an old bowl of tom kha kai soup.

and with that we conclude ass month

rabbit blog + gorilla mask + buy me some peanuts

a film, and an encore