its been about a year since ive had a girlfriend

i guess that serves me right since i wasnt very good to my last ones.

but still, i put out, chicks oughtta be banging down my door.

and i like romance like the slow jamz, and fireplace fires, and makeout competitions, and breakfast (burritos) in bed.

i dont cheat, i dont lie, i dont blog about the relationship. i know cool people. i have a decent record collection. i dont do that many kinky things in bed. on the floor is a different story, however.

maybe i need to go to more bars to meet the ladies instead of thinking that theyre just gonna come to me off this blog. like theyve done in the past. like they will in the future.

its gorgeous here in LA, 80 degrees maybe, but i have a flannel on. i went to mcdonalds for lunch and the lady didnt speak english cuz i was in a mexican neighborhood. they have this new machine there that chops up the potatoes and turns them into french fries and even loads them into the basket for you. i heart mcdonalds.

karisa keeps telling me not to eat there but sometimes when karisa tells you things youre just mezmorized by her hotness and nothing gets through. i’ll pretend that thats whats going on, but any time i eat anything its one of those wwks – what would karisa say. i heart her too. girls should wanna bone me and be my gf just so they could meet karisa.

i watched the two parts of The Ten Commandments yesterday. quite a daunting task to take on the cc deville classic. or to take on chuck heston. i cant say it was better than the original but it did try to keep more things closer to the bible, but it missed a lot too.

for example during the Let My People Go portion where Pharoah got all the plagues sent to Egypt for not letting Moses and the jews leave they totally left out the huge part that Pharoah wanted to free them but God hardended his heart.

the way they showed it on tv it was like this

Moses: dude let us leave here.
Pharoah: f you slave.
Moses: you know im not really a slave. technically yes, but come on.
Pharoah: kiss my ass.
Moses: Gods gonna fuck shit up if you dont let them go.
Pharoah: Bring it fuck.

But in the bible it was way more like this

Moses: dude let my people go
Pharoah: wtf
Moses: seriously
Pharoah: well i am rich, you guys did stoke us for hundreds of years, you know what fine.
Moses: cool
[God hardens Pharoahs heart]
Pharoah: on second thought f you Moses.
Moses: wtf?
Pharoah: yeah kiss my ass and kiss my bald son’s ass
Moses: oh no thou didnt. fine. youre gonna pay and your son’s gonna pay
Pharoah: whatevs. jew.

in my opinion the Bible tells the better story.

also in the new tv movie the parting of the red sea was more like a tidal wave on a beach. this is 2006 is that the best special effects the religious right could flow you? sheesh.

either way i watched the whole thing. im a sucker for bible stories, bible movies, tv evangelists, pretty much anything bible-related. except for this new Book of Judas nonsense and of course the wickety wack Davinci Code.

simply put, if Jesus wanted to bang chicks and have a family he woulda done it. He did anything He wanted to do anyways including working on the Sabbath, why wouldnt he have done something that wasnt illegal like having a wife? i hope the film bombs.

top photo by aj goddard + middle photo by snowsmiles

when Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch

right before the Washington Nationals home opener he was roundly and loudly booed.

if you watch the video you will see that the outraged increased when he wusses out and throws the ball from in front of the mound instead of from the actual rubber.

i know the man has heart problems, and is old, but the distance from the rubber and the plate is 60 feet, six inches. if you cannot throw a baseball 60 feet six inches you shouldn’t waddle out to the middle of the field.

often times when women throw out the first pitch they do it from the first row of the stands to an awaiting catcher 30-40 feet away.

ive seen senior citizens take the mound and throw the ball over the plate.

perhaps if the Vice President’s bullet-proof vest is on too tight he should loosen it, or better yet, load a baseball into a specially designed rifle and shoot it.

for such a macho man, for such a tough talker, for someone so interested in showing whose boss in the world, he should have known that throwing the first pitch from in front of the mound is like riding a bicycle as an adult with training wheels. there is no way to look cool, there is no way to pull it off, and all you will incur is wrath pity and ultimately insult.

is no one listening to karl rove over there? surely he would have advised against such nonsense.

the rules of throwing the first pitch are simple: take the rubber, wave at the fans, dont forget to wave at the fans behind you in the bleachers, look in to the catcher, shake off a sign, wind up like either Luis Tiant or Fernando Venzuela, and aim high so as to get the ball over the plate without bouncing it.

children know this.

and when you get the ball back from the catcher and walk off the field either hand the ball over to a young child, or toss it behind your back to a hottie in the front row.

next week, mr vice president, i will show you how to pull out of a quagmire without spending another trillion dollars that you dont have.

in the Scratch My Back & I’ll Scratch Yours dept: all the people who write a sentence or two in their blog about The Official Coachella Blog being on Buzznet (and then link to it) will in turn get a link to their blog on the busblog either at the end of one of my upcoming posts, or if its a really sweet sloppy kiss, over on the left hand side as “tony’s specials”.

just let me know you did it in either the comments or via email. busblog at gmail