exclusive interview with raymi the minxi

as she makes supper for her man who is going to arrive home any second.

raymi: tony how come i am not a millionaire yet is it because i am not lindsay lohan

me: its because life isnt fair
but money is the root of evil, stay away from it
just keep having sex with fil and karaoking and blogging
thats way more fun
so im told

raymi: ok but i could be singing int oa golden microphone and having siberian tigers at my parties in cages

me: i’ll give you a golden grandchild on christmas

raymi: ew

me: and you dont want tigers, they bite
i mean microphone

raymi: also it’s cruel

me: get hippies and cheerleaders

raymi: but you know what i mean diddy is biting my styles i gots ta get paid yo!

me: pure respect dont pay dem ends?
i have a great book for you, but you have to promise to read it

raymi: it better not be gay
ok interview me now 5 minute interview
or call me podcast now!

me: your gf bunny has my podcaster

raymi: she is not my gf

me: 1. what are you wearing?

raymi: jeans sandals red and black striped sweater that i cut down the middle into a cardigan and a long tight blue american apparel tank with liter blue seams

me: 2. what was the last song you danced to?

raymi: i dont know i was insanely wasted and it was saturday nite something dancey
like madonna or maybe rock

me: 3. what song do you want to karaoke to right THIS SECOND?

raymi: oh darling

me: f the beetles 4. if fil was a black man – a famous one – who would he be?

raymi: denzel

me: 5. if you could demand one girl to fall in love with you who would it be>?

raymi: angelina jolie
no
scarlett j

me: 6. if you were a tiger would you eat people or just scare the shit out of them?

raymi: i’d be nice and play with them so then someone would buy me and have me live illegally in their home

me: 7. what salad dressing on your salad ma’am?

raymi: vinegarette
i spelled it wrong

me: 8. pink or white drawers?

raymi: pink
white shows stians – stains

me: 9. name two newish bloggers that dont suck

raymi: uh… i forget… how new
i dunno all the girls who are nice to me and want to be my friends and talk to me on msn
i like rilah and gusgreeper cos they are retarded like me
and have my back!

me: 10. two men appear in your house, both approved by fil. one has a verry long hands but bad breath. the other has a wooden leg but looks exactly like justin timberlake – who you got?

raymi: jt!

me: 11. what was the best song matt sang during his last few shows?

raymi: i would say hurt
but hm
load me up is my fave
absolutely and fils too we listen to it in the car and then fil drives faster

me: 12. lets pretend that you pleased yrself – would you watch porn or think about people?

raymi: i think about nothing and everything i dont need porn, it slows me down

me: 13. what tv show are you obsessed by right now?
raymi: afv

me: with that new host?
that dude blows!?!?

raymi: we love him
hes awesome he says crazy shit
thats like awkward but it works

me: 14. if you were going to coachella who would you want to see the most?
name 5

raymi: ladytron

me: predictable

raymi: im looking
yeah yeah yeahs

me: of course

raymi: sigur ros

me: !!!

raymi: daft punk

me: which is funny since theyre not punk

raymi: clap yer hands say yeah

me: have you seen them?

raymi: music to get fucked up to

me: not metric?

raymi: i am boooooooooored of metric
i am prractically in that band
i have seen them so many times

me: not wolf parade?

raymi: feh
i dont know anything about them other than everyone is into them and i have never heard them

me: not wolfmother?

raymi: them too, no idea
do they know me?

me: everyone knows you baby
not matisyahu?

raymi: again why am i not a millionaire
dunno that either but something tells me it has something to do with hot asian bitches?

me: WHAT ABOUT THE MFING GO!TEAM?
speaking of

raymi: tony more questions not about music

me: 20 if fil was murdered would you avenge his death or move on with your life as a lesbian?

raymi: avenge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
then kill myself
kidding
id go on a bender until i was 400 lbs

me: k
xoxoxoxoxox
stay canadian

raymi: xo

raymi + coachella blog

the problem with my storytelling abilities

is that i dont always tell the stories that i should. either im too busy drinking new blends of alcohol or im dancing with the wrong girls or im busying myself with fantasy baseball or alternative music or politics or food.

and when i dont tell the stories that need to be told, other people chime in with their own tales based on a photograph from a cell phone in the shadows after a long a week.

but we all know that little slivers of time dont always tell the whole tale, so let me fill in the blanks of the love story of dan and ks, particularily for those who dont know.

once upon a time there was a newspaper in santa barbara called the daily nexus. the Lord named it that as a hint to all those who would earn a paycheck there. “all roads lead here and all roads will lead out,” was His hint.

nex·us (nĕk’səs) – A means of connection; a link or tie; A connected series or group; The core or center; Latin, from, past participle of nectere, to bind

dan worked at the nexus right when matt welch and amy langfield and jeff n pat whalen and os tyler and genevive field and stacy sullivan and jeanine natalie and chris scheer and todd francis and jeff solomon and joel brand and chris ziegler and dougie gyro and ben sullivan and jen adams and so many others were graduating, including myself.

dan was part of the second wave that followed our footsteps beautifully. this included bonnie bills and charlie hornberger and jason ross and brian banks and william torren and scott mcphereson and denis faye and sandra brilliant and don frances and many many more.

dancefor the exception of jason who went on to write on the daily show the second wave were sweeter and cleaner and more polished and less rough around the edges. oh they had their own ways of being punk rock, but they did it in cuter ways.

dan smoked in the editorial office but in a different way than adam leibowitz and jeff whalen did. his butts didnt fill ancient mugs with lukewarm coffee. he wore dress shirts and belts. they werent clean but they werent alive either. he never showed up in lipstick. he never showed up with mushrooms. he never was caught in a three way kiss with two punk rock girls in a shower fully dressed.

none of them did. and if they did it was because one of us gave them the drugs, or dared them to put on the lipstick or suckered the twins to make out with them.

as time went on many of them moved to prague and then they moved to san francisco and then i moved to san francisco. first i lived with todd where i had a nympho chinese girlfriend then i moved in a huge one bedroom apartment in 24th street with a balcony and a washer dryer in my bathroom and a dishwasher and a fireplace and i was oh so happy. until dans best friend don asked me if i would be interested in moving into a huger victorian on haight street with himself and charlie and ken layne and my hippie buddy mike and dan.

i said no. no thank you. you all smoke. you all stay up too late. youre all far too into politics. youre all drunkards even by my standards. plus i have all the electronics and theyd all get broken.

a week later we all lived together at 591 haight street. next to steiner. above a techno record store called tweeker records. and despite that last fact, it was pure heaven.

dan at the time was dating the lovely laura crane. charlie was sorta with bonnie but not really. ken was single. mike was single. i was single. another gaucho named chris needed somewhere to stay so she and her best friend shira were allowed our little tiny half bedrom to crash in as they looked for an apartment.

chris would end up being my girlfriend for the better part of five years.dancing

but before that happened dan soon broke up with laura and ken started having these curious coffees with her. he also started one of the first good websites with charlie, a funny news site called tabliod. the year was 1996 and there was very little on the web, especially daily updated news with a twist. no one knew about the taliban back then and their crazy ways, but 15 feet from my sinful bedroom ken and charlie were up all night telling those tales years before it would make it on the front page of the mainstream media.

dan and i went out and met girls which wasnt hard since half the dudes in frisco were gay and the other half were working too hard. we had parties at our house and met girls. we went to shows and met girls. and for a little while we thought we would be the happiest bachelors in the world. we were young, i had a company car, we had this great apartment that was impossible to clean, it had just one bathroom, but somehow it was perfect.

until my true love became my true love and suddenly the party was over for me. that party, at least. but soon dan was introduced to a recent harvard graduate named ks. and when he met her and when i met her and when we all met her we said dan if you fuck this up, well, just dont fuck this up.

and one day greg and molli got married up in san francisco and i was living in los angeles and i came up to stand up in the wedding and i got to have a nice long talk with ks and she looked like someone from another time. we all did because greg wanted all his groomsmen to dress in country western shirts with col sanders bow ties and my truest wore something from the 20s and ks wore something from the 20s too and os sang beautifully and dan sang beautifully and red meat played country and ks told me about the east coast and i thought to myself, now this isnt a girl who ever showed up with a bag of mushrooms or walked into a newspaper with runny lipstick and look her clothes seem clean too. and look she polished off that bottle of wine with a smile and a wink.

and she was so smart. not just show off smart but like so many of my friends – cant help it smart. the shit just sticks in there and turns into something better when it spurts out smart. and later that night my truest and i would eat ecstasy and dance next to one of those victorian windows in the wee hours as the hardwood creeked below us and we both said if dan fucks this up, some asshole is gonna get ks and that just wouldnt be right.

now sometimes things go well and then the lord wants to give you a pop quiz to see how youre doing. and dan wasnt fucking up infact he had a really good job across the bay but then ks got accepted to the best writing program in the southwest. and i believe a scholarship was part of the deal. so dan had to figure out how he was gonna keep this girl, let her go to school, and keep his job.

so lets pretend that i know the details. lets pretend that i know that he marched into his boss’s office and told him about ks and lets pretend that the boss was all dude if you fuck that shit up… and lets pretend that dan said trust me i dont want to fuck it up infact i want to see how i can move out to austin with her And keep this sweet job i have. and then lets pretend that the boss totally understood and told dan that if he could hold tight for a few months maybe he could work something out.

but ks didnt have months she had uh month, and dan said go, follow your dream, im gonna make this thing work out, and she went out there alone and dan called her every day and she came back to frisco a lot and after a few months the boss got needled a few more times by dan and after what seemed like forever dan was in charge of a new office that probably wouldnt have existed if ks hadnt been the kickass writer that she is and ended up in austin.

they moved into a house. they discovered texas sized bugs, a cat named after a junk food, they drove station wagons, they drank hard booze and listened to npr and went to punk rock shows. and don married the girl that he was in love with at the haight house, as did charlie, and ken married laura who he was drinking those coffees with away from the haight house, and my truest and i ended up in LA together. which sorta made that haight house a nexus of sorts. and yes, the original incarnation of tsar, the royal supremes played in our living room, as did chopper one, as did several bands.

and yes that was the house that i was looking for dan in, during a party, and there were three young ladies with their tops off, and i said oh excuse me, and they said no come on in, and i said first let me get dan, and i couldnt find dan so i had to go in there alone, well not completely alone since i had a shit eating grin to accompany me. so id call it a magical house, of course i would.

two years ago if you remember i flew to austin to attend my first sxsw and be on my first blogging panel. i was to hang out with dan and ks then but dan was flown to australia on business so i had to hang out with ks for a week. it was clear how in love she was with the old man. the big lug. the happy jack. i told her that there were very few nexites who werent spectacular. or who couldnt write me under a table. and she said one of the nicest compliments id ever heard, she said the nexus could hold its own easilly with the harvard folk. and i put down my joint and said well duh. and we clinked our rums.

one reason our friends are as close as they are, i believe, is we dont ask each other the tough questions. people dont ask me if i want kids one day, and i dont ask them if theyre ever gonna marry the people theyve been dating for years. several months ago i got a phonecall from dan, which was odd because people email me since i have a habit of throwing the phone at lowriders with bad music booming out of their trunks.

but dan wanted to tell me the good news. that he hadnt fucked up. that he had done well. that he had asked one of the coolest chicks ever to marry him and she said yes. and id heard him in happy spirits before but it was as if hed just won the lottery, which he had just done, of course. he sounded so happy it was as if he was gonna bust a gut.

which he did two days before his wedding this sunday. and thats also an interesting tale. see dan smoked. like many of our friends. and about six months ago he was giving blood and the nurse said holy crap your blood pressure is like a thousand over a thousand and dan figured well its gotta be all that smoking and drinking i do, but since drinking only tames the savage beast i better quit smoking. and he did and a few days before his wedding he couldnt sleep and he ended up in the emergency room and they took out his galbladder and the doc said ok your blood pressure is normal now, and dan said fuck so i quit smoking for nothing?

and the doc said no no, you quit smoking and thats good, now heres a bunch of vicodin, i know youre getting married in a few days, try not to drink much. and dan danced and drank and smiled and that fucker was on his feet as long as i was which was all day and all night.

which is possible when youre floating on air.

and yes, chronic dislocator, sometimes the pasty boys get the girl, and sometimes even the losers get lucky sometimes, but sunday the right man got the right woman and the clouds blew the 100 degree temps away and the sun showed up and the little kids were there and merle haggard’s guitar player plucked the six string and tony pierce rocked the dance floor all night, because the best people dont always get to say i do to each other, but sometimes they do. and when the best people do, and when the judge says you may kiss the bride, the best people turn it into a makeout session, because theyre the best.

and will live happilly ever after.

 

three years ago today i wrote about how to write during a spike

– and this little girl wasnt even born yet

jenny yeah got me on instant messenger last night and asked me to take down the link to her site because she was getting too much traffic and it was messing with her chi.

i said fuck your chi.

but i did as i was asked and took down her name and link and put up the boing boing link, which is in the spot where the auction-winning link will go.

lots of hits can affect the way that you write and for jenny i have this bit of advice, dont pay any attention to the spikes when they come. if you do pay attention, only pay attention to why you are getting the hits and how many they are, but when it comes to writing put aside any thought about hits whatsoever.

what i do is i pretend that only one person is reading what i write. normally i think that karisa is the only person reading this.

i know that hundreds and hundreds are reading this, but if i think about that it would alter what i write.

i know that my family is probably reading this, and if i think about that, it would definately alter what i write.

one way to keep it real, jenny, is to write stuff that youre too self-conscious to write.

for example, i love my mom with all my heart, but she doesnt like it when i swear. therefore if i feel like im selling out because im afraid she might be reading that day, i make sure to say fuck a few times.

fuckfuckfuckfuck.

this wont really stop her from reading, but it balances out things so that i can get back to writing to karisa.

hi.

dodger ace sandy koufax said that the key to pitching is relaxation and concentration. i think the same could be said to writing on your blog.

i relax with a generous portion of rum. mc brown has gotten me into captain morgan’s spiced rum.

i think the relaxation part is simple.

the concentration part is a little tougher, and thats where your audience of one situation comes in. nobody gets nervous writing a letter to a good friend, and when you write those letters they usually end up focused and direct and good.

if you are trying to write to a huge mass of people who’s devoted readership is important to you, youre going to run into trouble.

spikes are spikes. most of those people will never come back to you. never. thats not a sad thing, its normal. think about how many sites and blogs you go to every day and how many you return to.

people arent going to stay. dont be sad. be liberated.

but also know that some will stay. and they’ll stay because of the general way that you write, not because of anything special you write that day where everyone is coming.

dont be afraid, jenny yeah. youre a good blogger. you have good design. if that picture is really you, youre a hot babe.

im sure your chi is fine regardless of how many clicks get sent your way from the busblog.

more pics from the wedding

im in austin agin

im drnuk. ive been rdinking for two days. drinking and eating. eating meat. bef. steak. ribs. tacos. today i had the most bedishoush tacos. ik also djed dan and saras wedding. all my friends have wonderful weddings. dan had his galstone out two days ago, and tonight he partied as long as everyone.

poeople liked my music except the people who worked there. they wanted me to stop. this old lady wanted ome to stop too. everyone kept talking about noise ordanences. i kept saying i thought this was texas i thought this was america i thought everytghing was louder in tesxas. i thought freedom run. i thought the bells were from hell heree. i thought texas were the national champs. i thought we were deep in the heart of texas.

they said yeah yeah but its ten pm and its sunday nioght so youve gotta stop that dj miusic.

but sara said bring it inside. so we set up in side and played the beasties and a whole lotta other sweet shit and everyone danced and jeanine flashed me her tits and that woke me up a little and no wonder djs are always smiling, the girls flash them.

sara couldnt have been more beautiful. dan wcouldnt have been more handsomee. saras brother and half sister cried as they said swet things on the mic. it was nice. sara it turns out went to harvard and a bunch of her hardverd friends were there. they didnt dance.

some old fashoiney guitar player played with his band and i think he plays with waylon or merle or somethone he was great. efverytghing was great. the wedding was super fast. the dancing was sporadic. im still drubnk. leah had to work, but she and i are gonna have Waffle House tomorrow. then back on the plkane,. then back to work. if youve noticed i travel a lot and work a lot anbd party a lot. abd people aske me what i do for bvuzznet how my life is whats going on and i never know what to say.

rock is the only answer

i eat shit drink shower and rock.

and then write to you.

and i really suyper a[[reciate all the sweet things that you all wrote in the comments of the last post, but i didnt write you to get all of that loive – i just wrote that this morning so my mom wouldnt be afraid that my plane crashed. i havent missed a day of bloging in a long time and i fklew on satyurday and somethimes she catches up on the busblog on weekends. sometoimes she worroies.

so anwyyays why did i wantt to go to grad school – so i could leaqran to write better and so i could then be qualified to teach someowhere., namely ucsbnn.

and yes i will apply aagian there. and maybe one or two other place.s but thanks so much for your sweet notes.

some pics of austin/partying more to come

I got this off Binsk’s blog

weezerPut your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question. Post on your blog.

Will I get far in life?
In the Summertime – Mungo Jerry

How do my friends see me?
Runaway – Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Where will I get married?
Freak Me Out – Weezer

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Crazy For You – Madonna (which i think is true)

What is the story of my life?
Down Home Girl – Rolling Stones

What was high school like?
Merry Go Round – Victoria Williams

How can I get ahead in life?
Pumpin Gas – Shawn White Band

What is the best thing about me?
Raw Power – Guns N Roses

How is today going to be?
Devil’s Daughter – Ozzy

What is in store for this weekend?
Go Down – AC/DC

What song describes my parents?
Good and Bad Food – Mitch Hedberg

My grandparents?
Truck Drivin Man – J. Geils Band

How is my life going?
18 & Life – Nina Gordon

What song will they play at my funeral?
Bandwagon – R.E.M.

How does the world see me?
Eyes Without a Face – Paul Anka

Will I have a happy life?
So Broken – Bjork

What do my friends really think of me?
One Of These Days, Neil Young

Do people secretly lust after me?
(I Cant Get No) Satisfaction – Devo

How can I make myself happy?
Under the Influence – Matthew Good Band

What should I do with my life?
Bad Boys Running Wild – Scorpions

Will I ever have children?
Bells Ring – Mazzy Star

What is some good advice?
Been A Son – Nirvana

What is my signature dancing song?
Mishto! – Gogol Bordello

What do I think my current theme song is?
Angel – Aerosmith

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Ask About Me – Ice Cube

What type of men/women do you like?
Goin Out West – Tom Waits

What did you think of this meme?
What Now? Dag Nasty

binsk + welch has new corvids samples + hewhocannotbenamed

today is tomdog’s birthday

hes 79. so when my favorite magazine, Black Webmaster, called me up today to interview me because they had realized theyd missed my 6-month anniversary of working at Buzznet, i told them that i wasnt interested in any interviews today since it should be a day held in awe of the dog named tom.

but tony, we love you and we want to look back at the accomplishments that youve made for our favorite photo and video sharing community.

i was all, you people are stalkers. its almost creepy.

they were like, but how many Bloggers get hired to blog and stimulate growth of websites these days?

i was all, lots. some who actually get paid huge sums of cash.

there were unmoved.

i was dude andrew sullivan got hired on to blog at Time, Glenn Reynolds and Charles Johnson got hired on over at the Pajama game to spread the good news, those two dudes were hired to take over for ana marie cox at wonkette, hell even bro from blogebrity was hired to write about gossip in the sillycone valley. valleywag or some shit. bloggers are being hired in bunches.

and then they pulled the race card and said, yes but how many are Black?

i was all, todays tomdogs birthday.

silence.

i was all today tomdog was born to two lovely people who never thought that their son would grow up to be anything more than a bass player in a legendary isla vista trio. Rogue Cheddar ruled and a lot of that had to do with tom holding down the bottom. as jesse jackson once said you can have a basket of apples but if the bottom of that basket is weak the apples will get rotten and the rottenness will rise to the top.

they asked, reverand jackson said that?

i was like of course fools.

tomdog hasnt been on buzznet for even two years now and this morning he woke up and posted his 6,000th picture. but whats even more remarkable than that is at last count he’s made over 54,837 comments.

everyone loves getting comments and tomdog has given more than anyone in that small period of time. close to 8 gazillion a day.

Black Webmaster asked if i was done and i said no.

i said tomdog is a proud parent of two, i believe. he keeps in shape by running triathalons. and he purifies water for the poor with his two bare hands. by magic.

he has a blue ox named babe and a penis the size of a winebago that does his work for him as he comments on peoples buzznet accounts. he understands and knows fine music as well as foreign films. he cheats when he arm wrestles but in a very polite way and will accept ious for your gambling debts. and he can ride a bike.

Black Webmaster said tony how many comments have you left while at Buzznet?

i have been a loyal member since 2003 and ive given 1,287 comments because im very mean and a part time slacker. which explains my lack of triathalons as well. finishing them that is. ive started quite a few. i ride to the corner and get a 40 ounce of olde english and forfeit the race out of protest.

Black Webmaster asked tony how many hits have you brought into Buzznet in your six months being employed there?

i said about 11 million.

Black Webmaster gasped. so i didnt tell them that it was probably closer to 12 million than 11 million.

they asked how i did it.

i told them hard work, knowing the web, knowing the blogosphere, knowing popular culture, and having the ability to work very long hours, mixed with the freedom to experiment in any way i saw fit.

and then George Bush who had been listening-in called out Bullshit and hung up.

and then hopefully ran out and sent tomdog an e-card for his big day.

tomdog + tomdog + tomdog + world famous tomdog bug

so today is 420

and an hour ago it was 420 on 420 and if i was still doing what i had done for ten years straight i would have tried to figure out a way to get home early so as to “celebrate”.

being off the pipe hasnt been a very difficult process. the very begining was rough as it was a habit as opposed to a chemical dependency. there are times when im bored and i think to myself, gee a huge bong rip would be so good right now, but because there are no huge bongloads laying about my many mansions i just go about my day and the feeling passes within minutes.

maybe it was easy for me to quit because it was on my terms and i stopped because the weed wasnt working on me any more. its a lot easier to stop something thats not giving you a high than it is to stop something thats stoking you.

has my creativity been effected? i think so. i dont feel as inspired as i used to. but big whoop, im still never wanting for things to write about, but those days of getting baked and twenty minutes later jumping up and yelling OMG I HAVE THE GREATEST IDEA! are over. which isnt to say that those so called great ideas werent simply stony falseties,

however when i interviewed the escalator i didnt have all of my wits about me if you know what i mean and the kids seemed to like that one.

the good news is i dont pass out at late movies any more, and ive lost about 15 lbs thanks to not eating so much in the wee hours. im also not drinking as much soda and im not spending hundreds of dollars on buds and worrying that i’ll get caught and kicked out of my sweet bachelor pad.

funny thing is i hadnt been sick for the last four years until this spring – after i had quit smoking blunts. and now i still have traces of the nasty bug i got after making out with the texas roller derby girls. so not only do i believe marijuana to be a medicinal herb, but it looks like it wasnt a bad preventitive aid as well.

and in a perfect world the people would rise up and remember that the government is there to represent us, and work for us, and if we say that weed should be legal then it would happen and those who didnt represent our wishes on capitol hill would be fired.

instead we walk around like stoners instead of leaders and somehow wait for them to get it together, when indeed its us who need to get the country’s act together.

w doesnt want to help those in new orleans cuz theyre black? fine, we’ll help them. and we’ll start voting for lawmakers and representatives who will help those in need.

and some of those in need are cancer patients or folks with MS or people like me who had serious eating disorders and stomach problems who found solace in the magical plant. some people really do use certain cures for the right reasons and then for the wrong reasons and are able to ween themselves from them.

and others need a little more help.

im here to say that it was a peice of cake for me to turn my back on pot even though i still love it, even though i still love the way it smells and looks and tastes, and even though i still love the way it makes me feel.

and since i know im no better than the next person, i can testify that its a safe herb for most people who arent operating heavy machinary. and it should be legalized. and taxed. and exported.

duh.

joe + heather + couch + shop isla vista + via koganuts