when my buddy picked me up at the office

the other day so we could go to the dodger game, he looked at my desk, looked at my inexpensive computer, accidentally looked at my pay stub that was just sitting there, and later asked me a question that i get asked every now and then and i never know how to take it.

he asked, do those guys, you know, know who you are?

so badly i wanted to say bro i dont even know who i am if youre going to put it that way.

people ask me if im famous, or if i know that im famous or they freak out if i link to them and its extremely nice, dont get me wrong, but its like being one of the best dungeon and dragon players – but not the best. i could totally understand if i was number one, but im not even number 250. im like number 369. with a bb.

i get offers to sell out the busblog and i think about it. i get offers to sell out tonypierce.com and i really think about that. someone offered to pay most of my rent per month for something that i dont even know is a bad thing. it could be, and if it turned out to be i could stop it after a few weeks. i dont know. its all very confusing. its like if someone asked me to sell them some of my Magic The Gathering cards, or crazier still, autograph some.

i bring this up because right now theres a girl who i never met, and have only talked on the phone a few times, flying out here from the midwest to spend the weekend with me. will it be sexual? who knows. these things usually are though. will it be fun? who knows. sometimes theyre fun. sometimes theyre painfully awkward.

this was a winner of a contest from my favorite magazine, Black Webmaster. sometimes people will ask me if i will autograph a book i wrote or something and it will get auctioned and the money will go to charity. and because i love Black Webmaster i probably said yes to anything they said, especially “win a date with tony pierce”. at first they were going to get put up at a local motel, then Black Webmaster found themselves in some financial issues since i think Michael Jackson bought them and now hes in difficulties so theres not a lot of money coming through.

and then the girl wrote me and shes not bad looking and she said that she is really afraid of the neighborhood where the motel is and i said wheres the motel and she said i think its right by your house. and i said yeah in that case id be afraid of the neighborhood too. so i just told my friends at BM that she could stay with me and i would just sleep on the couch.

when i stopped doing acid a long time ago i substituted that reckless behavior with new reckless behavior and if im going to die, id rather it be at the hands of some crazed fan with pert knockers than from driving a hippie van on liquid from a phish show.

so theres good news and bad news of being king nerd. the good news is the person who won the contest won it because she answered the most tony pierce trivia questions correctly, which means shes read my blog for a while and knows that im a dope and hopefully has very low expectations. the bad news is if she has read my blog for a while she knows only the things that i have chosen to write about. meaning she doesnt know me at all. she knows the busblog tony. real tony is shorter fatter and has hair growing out of all sorts of fucked up places.

and his trunk smells like standing water.

so i have to go to the car wash and vaccuum that shit and make it to LAX and try to be charming and play the little game that i like to call stopwatch. stopwatch includes entering the house, my house, and starting the stopwatch and then seeing how long it takes till the girl gets naked.

previous contestants of this game have lasted on average twenty minutes.

and i promise you if youve met me in real life you would ask yourself the same question that i ask – how is any of this at all even slightly possible?

i will give you one hint. if you’re playing fun games like stopwatch – even if no one else knows youre playing – someone is bound to win.

blogstock tomorrow night at formosa in west hollywood – get to buy chad a drink, sounds like he needs one

it might seem like i have had a lot of girlfriends

but i havent. and ive only had one first girlfriend. her name is mary and today is her birthday.

mary and i met in the suburbs of america. she was tall and blonde with blue eyes and a huge smile and i was not tall not blonde and starstruck. i was afraid to even talk to her, she seemed like a goddess from another planet. she definately didnt belong in our town, and sure enough she was only visiting.

her friend was one of those weird lame chicks who you really shouldnt blow off because those girls always seem to have one super fine best friend. in this case that friend was mary.

im not exactly sure how i got her number, but i did and soon we were talking on the phone three times a week, and then every day and then twice a day.

this went on for years.

even though she said i was her best friend, i didnt believe it. even though she was clearly into me, i was young, i was in high school, what the heck did i know. we never went on dates, we hardly did anything together because she lived several towns away and i didnt have a car at 15… legally.

we did go to a few hockey games, we went rollerskating maybe once, but that was it. the only time i ever saw her in person was when her mom drove her back over to our town to hang out with Susie.

one day Mary told me that her dad was going to transfer to california. i was crushed. it wasnt going to happen for a few months, but it was then that i knew i had to make my move. at this point took fate in my own hands and i stole my mothers car and we went to see “Wargames” with matthew broderick. i wanted to make a move on her then but it was such a great film that i didnt know what to do and i got a hug goodnight.

the next week we went to see Steve Martin’s “the man with two brains”. it was funny, but in her driveway tom petty’s “breakdown” came on the radio and i knew it was a sign above saying “feel her up! take off your pants! show her your sausage!” but i was very shy so all i did was lean over and kiss her.

and then i floated home.

when i got there my mom thought i was on drugs. and she grounded me for stealing the car.

a few weeks later mary and i made out on her school’s playground, and then a week later at mine. we did it there because we had some good memories there but bad ones too. so every place where someone did something mean to us or bad, we made out, and it washed away those bad memories. fortunately for me i had a lot of bad shit happen to me. but after a while i only had good memories.

and today as she celebrates her 29th birthday i send this message in a bottle to the girl who will always be in my heart.

moxie + dave + ex playboy bunnies