Five things in my (bachelor) freezer:
1. huge box of otter pops
2. gallon of low fat cookie dough ice cream
3. many boxes of bbq rib 99cent tv dinners
4. one half bottle of jack
5. 5 lbs of crushed ice

Five things in the closet:
1. this computer
2. an unused bong
3. way too many baseball cards
4. an award given to me by the Daily Nexus
5. some boxers i beat off in

Five things in the car:
1. my ipod
2. a stinky smell in the trunk because of a leak
3. a flannel just in case
4. 24 bottles of water in case of the Big One
5. a thomas bros guide for LA and Orange counties

Five things in my backpack:

1. laptop computer
2. three unused condoms
3. a notebook for something im writing
4. a picture of a girl in africa
5. an automatic pistol for later tonight

i tag grace + paige + sunshine + and jenny

new song, new video, “Think I’m In Love”

i will be on Ring My Bell for your ass
323.603.6312

at the daily nexus wearing a dress, drinking wine, and surrounded by women doing night production on the greatest college paper of all time.

he had longer hair, raggedy jeans, and like corey hart he wore sunglasses at night.

i guess we all had longer hair back then and more fucked up jeans, but the difference about todays birthday boy is that fuckin white boy got a hundred times smarter than any of us ever thought.

not only is he a virtual expert on central and eastern european history – somehow – but he’s only gotten more nerdy about his baseball history and neo-jamesian stats that would make guys like theo epstein say hold on what?

there will be a day when someone will let me and matt either run the dodgers or the cubs and after i abuse my powers and rip down the lights matt will trade away all the stars and replace them with long beach unknowns and i will make sure that every national anthem is sung by the best of the punkrock underground.

every game will be a sellout and bill veeck will rise from his grave and stand in line for bleacher seats.

worst mistake and my only regret in life was not following matt and the nexus crew to prague after graduation to start the first english language newspaper there Prognosis. i had fallen in love with jeanine who at the time was only a junior and i told matt that i was going to stay in IV, work for warner bros. and hang out with my new girlfriend. i believe that was our first and last fight. he called me a skinny sellout whiteboy and when he saw that he wasnt getting to me figured i was truly in love and gave me a hug and a kiss, and we were good.

a year later jeanine was in prauge and i was working for an even bigger conglomerate than wb and matt was playing guitar on the charles bridge and interviewing havel and getting good seats to guns n roses.

i had made a terrible mistake.

since then matt has married emmanuelle, cut his hair, appeared on the o’reilly factor, and basically made his momma proud. all without a degree, as ucsb decided to kick him out right before he reinvented the wheel.

in a perfect world theyd look at what he’s accomplished in the 15 years since he was unjustly booted from the fine institution and award him an honorary degree, but somehow i think his achievements taste sweeter without the sheepskin because he got everything he needed from his college university and proved to the world that renegades dont need your stinkin badges, they dont even need your cable tv, american ways, or californian girls.

he lives in a better house than you, his backyard is bigger than yours, his wife is frencher than you, and his country band is sweeter than yours.

and he can write even me under the damn table

and unlike me, get paid for it.

two fiddy, sal, two fiddy a week.

of course he didnt tell anyone that today was his birthday and here it is midnight oh six and his big day is over, but thats how real libertarians are – true independents, satisfied with a trip to a beach in malibu with his bikinied bride, a nice bottle or six of red, and maybe some seafood at a little place playing footsies and driving home down sunset listening to npr.

what did i imagine for matt welch in 2005 when i met him 15 years ago? completely ruling. pretty much what he’s doing now.

but for some reason i thought we’d be driving faster cars.

matt welch’s warblog + part three of our backyard podcast + his lovely wife emmanuelle

why the internet was created

today things were so much simpler

the summer wind blew a little kid’s empty saltine wrapper over the bike path, tumbling across the lush green lawn and nearly into the koi pond before i had a chance to step on it for the little dickens so he could recycle it into his backpocket

which a cartwheel easilly freed.

danielle was scooping out some yogurt complaining that shes going to go mary-kate on my ass and stop eating entirely because shes fat and almost before she could finish her sentence i had popped her good in the thigh

as is our deal for whenever she begins blabbering the ridiculous.

she grabbed her bare leg and laughed and said “good one” acting every bit the masochist that she probably is

although she claims the contrary.

my cell phone vibrated in my pocket and i saw that it was anna kournikova who has blown me off so many times ive lost count.

last time we were supposed to do something she blew me off to console her best friend who was having issues with her boyfriend who was spotted having outdoor public sex with a known strip tease artist

ive seen this womans work and artist is justified in describing her

but all the ladies in the house went omg ewwwwww! a stripper!

and convinced anna that she had to tell her friend that she was going to have to confront the little romeo that the free ride was ending.

and then they talked about how they saw him at Deep, the club at hollywood and vine that nobody goes to anymore because it’s so 2002 with its velvet ropes, skanky hos dancing in the ceilings and walls, and $10 amstel lights.

“i swear to you anna he was doing coke right there at the bar.”

which in certain circles is worse than cheating.

i wouldnt know those circles

all my friends are deeply religious.

or drunkards.

so anna turned to me and told me that she had to break our date last night to watch Outfoxed, the fabulous new documentary about how Fox News is slanted blah blah blah. i have it on dvd.

i said, why not tell your friend tomorrow so we can play tonight.

she said, if she has sex with that dirty boy and catches something i would never be able to live with myself.

i said, if theyre having protected sex then everything should be cool.

she said, she’s on the pill and thinks hes being loyal.

i looked at her.

she said, i know i know.

and i said, fine, but it means that we wont see each other for a week cuz im sure you’ll be consoling her for at least that long and she nodded her head and i knew i shoulda banged her in her range rover last week when i had a chance.

when i called her last night she filled me in, telling me that she told her friend about the drugs but not the sex.

“i thought you Had to tell her about the sex so she wouldnt catch something?” i said.

“i didnt have the heart,” she said. “plus shes so distraught that he is a cokehead that she cant even think about sex.”

who are these people you might ask.

fuck if i know, i might reply.

even in the throws of 9/11 i could have gotten it on with the right woman. in fact isnt that how we kept the terrorists from winning? dont tell me you didnt do your part for the country.

so there i was. alone again. pretty much lied to. nobody getting any in all of LA. all cuz one stupid ass cheated on his girl and fucked it up for all of us.

she could tell i was disappointed, and called me back minutes after we hung up.

“i really want to be with you tony. Really. but cheating on enrique makes me cry.”

then dump him i said.

“you know i cant do that.”

all these people who Can’t do certain things. things they know are the right things to do. Can’t stop driving down dead ends. Can’t stop bad relationships that aren’t in the slightest bit full. Can’t tell boyfriends the truth. Can’t stop the devil from saying, “i know hes a loser but tony is a player and since you cant hate the player hate the game.”

so when the little kid saw his forgotten saltines wrapper taking flight near the koi pond it took everything for me not to push him into the water as i passed by.

but i did it anyway.

sometimes i wonder if she says these things
just for the attention

i loved the brady bunch big time.
in fact one of the many things ashley and i shared
was our love for the brady bunch.

this is the scene where barry williams later wrote:

“I was introduced to a thin, hand-rolled, yellow joint.
‘Listen, man’ said one of the buds, ‘toke slow — this is some real heavy shit.'”

“‘Cooool,’ I thought… Several drags later, the stuff had kicked in hard.” Which is when the Assistant Director asked Barry back to the studio “to shoot the driveway scene” where the makeup lady gave him a bottle of Visine.

Barry was stoked because he felt that this mental state might help him improve his stagnant role as Greg. “(I was) thinking to myself that my now-heightened sense of consciousness and intensity might give me a chance to completely recreate my role…”

karisa talks about monkfish!

karisa doesnt like doing interviews
shes pretty much an offtherecord sorta girl
which is why we’ve been good friends for so long.
still, she wanted to split the check so
she had to agree to my terms