im procrastinating cuz im an idiot

all i hafta do is my laundry. thats it. i have to take it to the place, put it in, get some chicken and eat it, put the shit in the dryer. play NBA Live on PSP while listening to the new arcade fire which rules

but im trying to be late for things.

how insanely bizarre.

its 74 degrees here in LA and im inside. i know the problem. i love my house. i love my routine. i love everything about it.

today i had to talk a little business with my boss and that is a little uncomfortable but other than that my life is right on the money. and even though sxsw is like my favorite ten days of the year, id rather be in my pajamas here in hollywood listening to music and accepting packages at the door oh look at that, a four foot bong. i didnt know you could deliver that mr usps man.

“it doesnt have a bowl in there, so its not a bong” he says and hands me the pen to sign for it.

we interrupt this procrastination post with an exclusive interview with raymi the sphynx

me: do you have the arcade fire cd yet?
raymi: thenew one no
me: in canada they didnt just give them out with your quart of milk on tuesday?

raymi: we dont get free milk
me: then what good is canada? i thought it was socialist and shit wtf

raymi: um no. you are pretty ignorant of countries that aren’t the states

me: because clearly they dont matter if they dont have free milk And theyre cold
And they dont pass out the new Arcade Fire cd in the milk box

raymi: they should

me: it should have a sticker of the queen giving the thumbs up, “there you are, peons, enjoy the milk!” “and this great new cd”

raymi: what would america give out for free? guns? bullets?
me: depends on where you live. yes to those things if you live in the south, and free crack if you live in the hood, thanks cia!

raymi: mcdonalds tshirts
me: those are a buck at goodwill, so almost free

i dont mind being bald.

wooden indian on broadway in downtown LA i dont mind being fat. i dont mind being old. and i dont mind being single.

but i dont think its a good idea if you like pussy to be old bald and fat when youre single.

in LA.

i got a wakeup call when i went to the store last month and everytime i sat to get into the car or got up out of the car my pants would unsnap.

maybe its cuz i just got them out of the dryer, i thought to myself.

because i have the greatest job in the world where i get to work at home in my pajamas bottoms and tassels on my tits, i hadnt noticed that no, dumbass, the pants werent unsnapping like crazy because of any dryer, they were unsnapping because i was eating too much fucking shit

so for lent i gave up eating at fast food restaurants. which are my favorite. which i love. which i own stock in. which i hope to own one day.

my true dream is to own the jack in the box, burger king, and mcdonalds all in the same small town. people would complain about the possibility of price fixing but little would they know that i would indeed price fix but in the favor of the citizens.

during breakfast and on thursday nights theyd get ridiculously low prices

cuz thats where they get you. breakfast.

anyways i have been doing great with my lent promise. and even though when i drive down the street i know where every drive thru is and i know where the ones are in the horizon i have instead cooked food for myself, read the labels of the snacks that i eat when i get the, cough, munchie, and when i make love to the ladies i make sure to do it under the blankets so we sweat a little.

last night i went to an invite only LA blogger party held in swanky west hollywood at a bar that used to be gay but is now russian. and i noticed that even when i tried to make my pants pop its buttons off they wouldnt pop.

who knew a little will power would create the desired results so quickly?

and imagine what that belly would look like if i ran around the block a few times every morning.

and by morning i mean noon since thats when i wake.