it amazes me that i can chat with my bff in affrica

but i can.

4:43 AM Chris: you are up! wow! i was just reading your blog. are you ok? questioning god?? you?

me: baby you know better than to pay attention to that. i had this chick over from fox here the night before i wrote that and she was drunk and saying how she was drunk and she didnt care and that she wanted to go to bed with me and i was all hmmmm and i thought to myself that its rape if you bang drunk girls so i said i will sleep on the couch
4:44 AM but wouldnt let me sleep on the couch, so she made me sleep in my bed with her.

Chris: okay. weird post.

4:45 AM me: yes

Chris: you not wanting action??

me: just waiting on you baby

Chris: yeah, right. ha

me: well last night i went out with the one who a few years ago ran out of my house after i showed her my drivers liscense. it was fun. i felt odd in a good way.

Chris: that’s awesome.

4:46 AM me: i might take her to see the Jesus and Mary Chain on thursday if she ever decides to write me back. scarlett johannson might sing backup for them

Chris: no way. that sounds fun!

4:47 AM me: indeed, and then the next day starts Coachella, friday is bjork, arcade fire, and sonic youth

4:48 AM Chris: unbelievable. i’m missing a lot!
including you.

me: awwww
youre not gonna miss that much. and it will be expensive and hot
Chris: yeah. it’s damn expensive.
karisa doesn’t want to go?
4:50 AM me: hmmm, i never really asked her since its three days long
but i guess she might want to go for one day
however her arm is still in a cast so maybe not
i miss you so baby
i think of you every day

Chris: i think of you too.
4:51 AM when i read some things on your blog…i know some aren’t true…
but i don’t want you to be too lonely.

me: thanks baby
im not at all lonely
in the slightest

4:52 AM Chris: ok. good.
where did you get the picture your latest post? that was an awesome photo.

me: ahahah thats old. that is like 2 years old i guess
4:56 AM when i was dating kirstin dunst

Chris: the photo?? ah

me: i took her to antis house and thats his crazy big bong
that was for 4/20 day’s post. you should teach the africans kids about 4/20 😉
Chris: ha mmm no.

me: ahaha ok
i thought of you today because i was watching a hitchcock movie that id never seen
and we saw so many together

Chris: which one?

4:59 AM me: foreign correspondent, 1940

Chris: don’t think i’ve seen that one either! i thought of you this weekend also because i watched little miss sunshine…

me: oh you did! did you love it?!!?1

5:00 AM Chris: yes! it was awesome. everyone was perfect in it too.

me: ahahaah how on earth did you get it?
bootleg or something?

5:01 AM Chris: there’s a movie “rental” place in mukono, 45 minutes away.
it’s a decent copy.

me: wow!

Chris: he had a ton of movies…

5:02 AM me: dvd rentals in a third world country? in one of the poorest places in the world?

5:03 AM Chris: well, it’s weird. you pay 20,000 for a membership… which is about 10 bucks. most people end up renting the dvd and then “vanishing”.
you can rent as many as you want. kind of a dumb buisness….because there’s no license, credit card.

5:04 AM but! he lets teresa and me rent as many as we want. because we return them.

me: so insane

Chris: yep. the life that is uganda.
endless stories.

5:05 AM me: i hope youre writing them down!

Chris: some.
need to write more.
but seriously tony.
everything is crazy here.
Chris: yesterday, i saw a girl have one of the worst epileptic fits i’ve seen in a long time here.
it was so bad she urinated on herself.

me: oh no!

Chris: the person responsible had “forgtten’ to give her meds for 2 days.
poor girl.

5:08 AM me: the tribe should stone the one responsible!!

Chris: haha
no, no.
the girl also needs to learn to go to the matron for meds.
it’s both…

5:09 AM i’m finding solace in movies at the moment.
me: good idea
Chris: seems to help.
i love them.
at first i didn’t here becuase i would actually get homesick becuase the reality is so different.
but now, i’m happy. also the entire 2nd season of CSI
watched all night last night.

[deleted scene]

5:20 AM Chris: awesome.
hey tony…
i’ve gotta run.
i’lll try to find you again soon this week.
so happy you were online!
5:21 AM me: me too!
Chris: i didn’t say hi because i assumed you would be asleep.
won’t make that mistake again.
me: ahahah
you never know
i love you baby
oxoxoxoxx
Chris: it’s true.
me: keep saving the world
Chris: lots of love to yo too….
xoxoxox
haha
not saving the world.
5:22 AM hardly.
oh.
you will like this.
http://www.richardwardopticians.co.uk/home.asp

Select the ‘Uganda Bound’ link at the bottom of the page. 🙂
5:23 AM me: ok will do!
Chris: the nice opticians mention me.
very sweet.
they are the generous ones.
xo

ive never been fucked in the ass before

but i imagine its probably like whats been going on over the last six years. some prick creeps up behind you and just keeps gnawing away quietly and so repeatedly you barely even notice.

theyve got the fucking attorney general lying to congress. doing exactly what they try to crucify clinton for – lying under oath. i dont recall is ok once or twice. but even stoners cant claim they forgot what they did at work 55 times.

and if they did, theyd get fired.

the other day i had a fleeting moment where i doubted the existence of God and Heaven. it wasnt a good moment. and now that im back where i belong, i truly hope that theres Hell, and i hope it has its own channel in Heaven, because i cannot wait to see this administration and those who supported them get what they deserve.

next week at this time, if all goes wrong, i will be driving home from coachella.

im not really looking forward to it.

theres something very wrong with me.

i lost my sirius satelite radio on thursday night.

the stilleto that i didnt really like but i used every day. ive also lost my ipod somewhere in this house.

i wonder if the attorney general loses a lot of things with his faulty memory.

i wonder if howard stern will stop taking fridays off now that sirius stock is lower than $3 a share.

i wonder if i misread that email that chick sent me.

i wonder if i misread most of the shit i get sent.

bjork was terrible on snl tonight.

theres a lot of things that make things complicated

me, i aspire for a simple life. i dont buy fancy clothes. im quite happy in my one bedroom apartment. and the fact that the Lord delivered LA a thunderous rainstorm this morn to wash any messes away from my front porch.

but sometimes complications still arrive.

todays 420 day and it should have been a totally mellow day but instead it greeted me with a variety and rush of emotions and odd circumstances. worst of all was one of our stories on LAist was properly put on the front page of digg only to be removed.

as a man who does his best to stifle any and all emotion, except for when watching televised sports, getting on digg and then being yanked off pushes dusty buttons delivering high highs and low lows.

LAst night we had our LAist drink night at the Prince over by the Ambassador Hotel. such a cool place. we had like 15 people maybe 20 maybe 25. easilly the biggest group in the place but for some reason the korean women refused to ask us if we wanted more drinks and didnt find it necessary to clean off the tables as we drank.

totally fascinating. youd think they would have wanted us to drink drink drink but it was almost as if they didnt want anything to do with us. still i tipped well because im a fool.

and then i left something important there that i hope they will give back if they found.

its nerve wracking.

just like todays cubs game,

too many emotions in one day. far too many.

i took the train to koreatown last night. the subway that is. and i wasnt the only one. i think four or five of us did, seperately.

thats how it oughtta be.

i think im going to see a film this weekend. hot fuzz i think she called it.

went to palms thai with a chinese girl

and we saw elvis. he totally had it taken care of. nice suit with bright blue dress shirt and bright blue matching tie. big glasses and perfect posture. the king was strong in him.

we both ate the soup of some young guy and a dish of pad thai. she didnt eat as much as i did because shes a girl. plus someone slipped me a  brownie at the quiznos earlier.

the plan was to eat pie. isnt it always? drove past the house of pies but the parking was full. palms thai had been crowded too we recalled and tried parking in the post office next door but that was packed too. so we parked a little north of the house of pies in the los feliz neighborhood and walked in the cold wind of april.

why do some folk try to pretend theres no global warming, i asked her.

shes tall, was bundled in an h&m hoodie, just laughed.

some people are loud. she wasnt loud. she had strawberry cheesecake and i had the bavarian banana chocolate creme, cuz im watching my figure. and a small glass of milk. her strawberries were still a little frozen, my everything was killer, particularly the view.

i was very nervous. some people are cool when theyre nervous. i am sometimes, wasnt last night. we then drove over to the rustic. someplace shed never been to even though being a native.

some people order girlie drinks, she had the jack n coke. after spicy thai i favor the baileys. once the drinks began everything mellowed out and was good again. even she opened up a little. in truth im only interesting if youve been drinking.

the night ended quite pleasantly at my house. we watched music videos and i kissed her european style. both cheeks. and then was very dissapointed in Lost. not to mention the fraud that is american idol.

nine minutes of two black women talking about penis power

via Metafilter, king of beers.

back when i was younger and we would drop acid and hike in the woods we’d get tired of running around and being scared and being happy and being detectives we’d end up just looking at the fire.

and one night someone said, tony do you ever wish you were white cuz sometimes i wish i was black.

and i said no ive never wanted to be white ever. but i have wanted to be taller.

cubs lost a tough game yesterday and its midnight thirty. i have a date tomorrow to eat pie with a nice girl.

i told her lets get a pie and try to eat it all.

she said how about a big cupcake. or two.

i said lets eat the pie then eat cupcakes.

she said then vomit?

i said, lets vomit of course but lets take pictures and put them on the web and see if people can guess which one is from the hot chick and which one is from the old man

i think im gonna shave off my beard tonight. it was hot today. the beard was a great idea when it was cold but now that the sun is out. fuckit.

people stay away from me as im walking down the street though. sorta like that.

dog poop status. its still there.

dear neighbors. youre so not being cool.

any time i think im ahead of the game

something happens.

sometimes its terrible, but usually its something small. like i’ll be feeling great and decide to sit under a tree and read a book, a bird will poop on my head.

this morning i woke up, i didnt have anything planned, i owed no one a visit or even a phone call, i was a man with a blank slate on a sunday morning

precisely the emptiness i yearn for each morning.

saturday night i fell asleep to the sounds of rain falling

sunday morning i woke up with sunshine and beauty and i slipped on my sandals and walk outside to get the paper and i almost slipped and i walked a foot or two and i decided to look back

and yes, i had stepped in a huge pile of dog crap

i picked up the paper and walked back to the scene of the crime and took the hose to my shoe but of course all it did was splash more nonsense onto my brand new clean white athletic socks, and my clean pajama bottoms

and i dont know if any of my neighbors read the busblog

secretly i hope they dont, but if they do, heres what id like

id like for you to go outside after you let your dog out

and pick up the reason you let him outside.

especially since they, as you know, enjoy to present me with their gifts.

thank you.

i still had a good day but now its 5am its dark and i wanna get the paper and i have to walk all the way around to the front gate and then walk all the way around

like a punk.

sopranos were good but entourage made me laugh.

the only good thing

about this little spurt of online dating that ive been doing is ive been seeing a bunch of movies. last night i went to see grindhouse at the vista.

shes rich and doesnt work so we went to the 430 show. we figured out why it was that grindhouse wasnt doing so well in the box office. two tickets, ten dollars total. thats right for five bucks a head we got to see two really good movies.

yes the rodriguez movie is better than the quentin film, but not by much. if youve never been scared by a zombie movie before, that streak will end.

meanwhile qts film was jesse jackson and al sharptons wet dream. a diverse collection of ladies beating the shit outta whitey.

another thing ive noticed over the last few weeks is that the girls who smoke tend to have better breath than the girls who dont. perhaps in overcompensating for their habit they make up for what could be a bad thing.

me i dont care what her breath smells like especially if she knows how to kiss.

LAist is getting an upgrade behind the scenes. servers, switchers, somethng, who knows. which is good because i think i went out almost every day this week and i could use a day off from work and uh watching movies.

after trying not to see a movie on a date we ended up at this other chicks house. she had the sort of weed that made you just sink into the couch. she was all, wanna watch a dvd? i was all, nah, a dvd requires that we commit for a whole hour and a half.

that freaked out by commitment, she joked?

touche, i agreed and told her to pop something in.

dirty love was the choice, something i would never have agreed to or decided upon since i believe it was given Roger Ebert’s lowest rating ever. he said something like it — let me find the quote — ah yes

Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn’t rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent. It stars and was scripted by Jenny McCarthy, the cheerfully sexy model who, judging by this film, is fearless, plucky and completely lacking in common sense or any instinct for self-preservation.

Yes, it takes nerve to star in a scene where you plop down in a supermarket aisle surrounded by a lake of your own menstrual blood. But to expect an audience to find that funny verges on dementia. McCarthy follows it with a scene where the cops strip-search her and she’s wearing a maxi pad that would be adequate for an elephant. She doesn’t need to do this. It’s painful to see a pretty girl, who seems nice enough, humiliating herself on the screen. I feel sorry for her… This movie is an affront to cheese… I would like to say more, but-no, I wouldn’t. I would not like to say more. I would like to say less. On the basis of “Dirty Love,” I am not certain that anyone involved has ever seen a movie, or knows what one is.

when i lived with whalen from tsar and greg mcilvaine, jeff had a theory that movies that are totally creamed by the critics were oftentimes really good. at the time last action hero was a good example.

i thought of him as i laughed and laughed at dirty love and wished my date was as interesting as her dvd choice.

if she was a good writer i would have asked her to be our dvd reviewer at LAist.