last monday morning suzie and i were dancing to the impromptu tunes of Wallpaper, whose album T-Rex totally fooled me when i first got it, cuz i thought it was a T-Rex greatest hits. little did i know that they would provide a very cool post-coachella dance party in the parking lot.

yesterday i had the weirdest day. got a phone call from a woman. a real woman, not any of these “girls” that usually pop in and out of my life. apparently she was curious whether i really felt the way i did about suzie. i was all, baby, i dont know how i really feel about suzie. shes just rad and we had a special energy flowing between us that made me feel happy.

the woman was all, how do you know it was special.

i said, some babes make me feel nervous, and thats sorta exciting. some make me feel powerful and thats nice. some make me feel smart or dumb or ugly or handsome. suzie made me feel loving. and i dont know why. and it was interesting to explore that.

so the woman invited me over. she wanted to cook me dinner. i didnt want any dinner. especially at her house. a real house. some people go through life and think that if they look a certain way after a while or have achieved a certain amount of things or have established themselves then theyve got the perfect man trap. maybe it is the perfect man trap for some men, but im a weirdo, i respond way better to bizarre energies.

she said, how about i make you something and come over to your house.

i said, as long as you dont judge my apartment and offer to clean it or bitch about not having any wash cloths or vegetables in the fridge or

and she said dont worry, you’ll like what im bringing over.

food was good, her outfit was good, but her energy was not so good. she had an agenda. she wanted something from me. who knows what. who knows if i even had what she wanted. all i wanted was to try to watch the cubs game on espn. then i wanted to watch the sharks game on Versus.

she was all, how can you be mr electronics and not know where Versus is on your cable? i was like, first off just cuz you have some decent av equipment doesnt mean you know where every channel is on the SATELITE system. fuck cable. plus you insulting me isnt hot and if you think im gonna do stuff to you off that youre high.

she was high, which was also annoying. everything about her was annoying. i know whaaaa hot babe comes over with food and a bottle of wine and its not good enough. but you know what, sometimes its not. sometimes a man just wants to be alone with his playoff triple overtime hockey and his memories of coachella and doesnt need some desperate quasicougar sniffing around cuz she wants to see ironman but will settle for oh i dont know Anything.

one thing i do know. no matter how many glasses of wine she dumped down my throat, she would never look like either of these babes dancing in the parking lot. and all i can say is i guess i know what i want and what i want doesnt treat me like their son.