hi tony baloney full of macaroni. i dont know why im so tired today, my computers broke this weekend and i watched hella tv and got lots of rest for once in my life but here i am fully experiencing the Mondays and maybe this is why people take summer vacations. all i know is im not the man i used to be. i used to have so much life i used to have so many dreams i used to be able to rage against the machine and the machine would stop what it was doing and say damnit tony maybe you have a point and nowadays i rage and the machine just laughs and says oh yr so cute tony and flicks me away. is this why people just do the same old same old raise kids die trajectory? is this why people buy so many honda civics? is this why people sell out? i dont wanna sell out. im gen x inside and out. i know i dont look it any more with this button down shirt. i know ive been wearing blue and brown and working on the clampdown but when genx sells out genx cobains. and i dont wanna go out like that.

yesterday the truest had an outta town guest. someone shes know for 20 years. someone who has MS but who hasnt let that get her down. shes traveled the world. lived in 25 different apartments in 20 years. we went to this Tibetan restaruant and this young lady was able to tell us all about the foods first hand from when she was in india. thats the path we should be on. we should be telling life what its gonna be not the reverse. sometimes i think i should kill my tv. sometimes im glad when my internet doesnt work. blasphemy, i know. sometimes i like it when there is no tap tap tap on my window from some doe eyed busblog fan. sometimes i like to be alone.

sometimes i need to go to the basement and get mad.

and emerge focused.

maybe i need to do that at the end of the summer. maybe i need to take a two week road trip around the nation. maybe i need to stick my toe into the atlantic. maybe i need to kiss a girl somewhere. maybe i need to just head into the desert like jim morrisson and speak to the ancients. maybe i need to shave my head and hitchhike through mexico. maybe i need to start a punk band called the walking man of silverlake.

who killed himself, fyi. in one of the weirdest ways ive ever heard of, he slipped into his hot tub and put the lid over himself and drowned. now news reports say that he had been investigated for giving pills to any druggie in town and that he was under investigation because a patient died. and again, thats not how i wanna go out, and i bet thats not what this doc thought he wanted to go out like neither.

heres how i wanna go out. old. and i want sharks to tear me apart.

i wanna die fighting.

not quitting.