things start off great. in monopoly you get money, a car or a thimble or a hat, and you get to roll.

with me, i pretty much already love you. why? who knows, why do you get money in Monopoly? cuz you just do!

but as time goes by if you treat me poorly i will start not loving you. this can spiral.

but odds are i love you. this can increase if you make food for me, clean my apartment, treat me like a human, or let me put my hand on your thigh as we drive down PCH.

i’ll also love you if i just drank a bunch of Mexican Coke.

or if the Cubs just won a close game.

or if theres something good playing at the Vista.

or if someone just hands me a bowl of banana creme pudding.

or if theres something good on the radio.

or if the Muffs are about to play the Echoplex

or if the taco from the taco truck doesnt get me sick.

or if you text me nudes when i least expect it.

or if you let me put a washer dryer in my apartment after 15 years of having to go to the coin laundry.

or if you put Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame where he deserves to be.

or if you dress like a hooker and get me chinese food on my 30th birthday because im freaked that ive entered old age.

or if your band truly has a dual guitar attack.

or if you retweet my tweet instead of like it.

or if you legalize weed and stop the war on drugs.

or if you win the super bowl for walter payton.

or if you love the poor and give them good things.

or if you skateboard over a broken down car thats on fire.

or if you make a movie that gives me hope and has me singing the theme song in the parking lot.

but if you dick me over royally i’ll hold it against you forever even if it kills me first.