i drove like a hundred miles last night

space shuttle mountain

through canyons no wise driver would drive.

we have this thing called acceptance rate and just like in life youve gotta keep it up

so you do dumb things like go up to the top of mountains to pick up who pinged you

normally youd just cancel that ish because people who live in gazillion dollar homes

and yet order the cheapest possible uber – well it just seems weird.

sometimes its a nanny or a kid or someone using air b n b and in those cases its ok.

but last night i got an Uber Select ping way up on top of old smokey and Waze said it was only 8 minutes

but just like in life sometimes Waze cray.

it was more like 15 which is still fine because doing this crazy bonus thing most of your rides net you $2 or $4

so whenever you can get a Select ride then thats great because not only is that one more ride towards the 100

but at least this one is gonna be profitable.

she was gorgeous, wore a cape, i kid you not, was young, smelled like bubble gum and ironically as we were winding down the twisty curvy road she asked me if i had any gum.

rule number one of being an uber driver is to carry a gun at all times. kidding mom!

rule number two is have barf bags at the ready.

but rule number three is never ever ever ever ever ever have gum because you will certainly see it in your carpet or seats in the morn.

which is why i carry mints, which i found for her and gave to her and youd think youd tip a brother for that

but the only tip i got was from this drunk dude named pablo who i picked up at a bar who i had picked up there once before

and we drove to his apartment on the west side and talked about the Lakers the whole time

and as he was getting out of the car struggled to find money in his fat wallet filled with business cards and promises

and pulled out one and then two dollars and said thank you amigo

and i said day nada my friend.

my cat is being so nice to me, does it think i have cancer?

JYYbQCiremember that one creepy cat in that hospital who knew when people were dying? it would go into the rooms and chill with the people and a few days later they would croak.

my boy cat Prince has been so nice, he normally doesnt cuddle, he normally sleeps at the foot of my bed. lately he has been right next to me when i wake up and right now hes in my lap as i blog.

i feel healthy? i dont sense any cancer? i just got a check up and it checked out.

if i am about to die, i loved you all, i feel blessed. i had a full life. i had good friends, cool jobs, and a parade of the most interesting women a mild mannered man could have.

if only id lived long enough to have seen the Cubs win it all.


i saw the first black president pull it off in spite of unprecedented cock blocking.

i watched the rise of the Internet and the demise of boredom.

i was able to publish my stupidest thoughts to millions of people and have so many of them right back and say right on tony.

i was able to be a fake taxi driver, which is something i always wanted to do.

i got to move to LA as a teen and learn it and live in it and love it and write for various newspapers and tell its story. trust me when i tell you, i never thought i was gonna be allowed to do even a smidge of that and voila.

i got to self publish a couple of my own books which is the essence of freedom. and i loved them. and i am sad that Cafe Press pulled the plug on that feature before telling me or else i would have printed up a hundred more of stiff and how to blog. sorry charlies.

i got to see my friends have beautiful babies and make kick ass rock n roll. i got to see sooooo much kick ass rock n roll.

i got to walk the red carpet a few times and even get paid for it. how does that even happen?

so if this cat is right and i only have a few hours to live, dont cry for me isla vista, it’s been a far better life than a boy from bumfuck illinois could have ever dreamed of

whats this tuna fish doing in my pocket?