my mom, the most dedicated reader of this blog, says im angry

tonybecause i love her with all my heart i would never disagree with her.

but i dont feel angry.

am i angry?

my cubs are like 15 games ahead of the Cardinals

the stats of the social media feeds at my job continue to rise like warm loaves of delicious bread

my phone’s blowing up from long legged ladies with the most fascinating messages

and as you know, i am still fully enjoying the side hustle of driving LA’s most responsible commuters from one side of town to the other.

have i told you about the senior citizen from Chile who was raised Jewish but whose parents made him learn the New Testament backwards and forwards in case the exiled Nazis returned to power and tried to kill all the Jewish kids, so he was to tell everyone that he was a Christian? And as he grew up he became an expert in the New Testament? And as we drove around LA he asked me if i knew where there were any hookers, especially african american street walkers, because he wanted to save them?

what about the guy last night who hailed me on Lyft who has been driving as long as I have who reminisced how addictive it was in the “early days” of two and a half years ago when every ride would net us about $11 and every night we’d get at least one $40 one and every week we’d get a $100 fare so we’d drive and drive and drive fueled on adrenaline and the promise of bars of gold and buckets of diamonds with strings of pearls draped over them.

the other day i had a dude heading to a famous steak house. we talked about pretty much every steak you could get in LA. Of course i turned him on to the Baseball Steaks at the Bounty. he was telling me Craigs has amazing food. i was all, isnt that where all the paparazzi are? he said yeah but it’s not super expensive. i was all perfecto!

so i will have to take my mom there the next time she’s in town.

kanye is right about beyonce


shes everything. and mtv knows it and tidal knows it and even jay-z is starting to figure it out.

but here’s my problem with viacom. if you go to the page of the VMA video clips

and you click the Beyonce video of her performance from Sunday night

a night that was tape delayed to the West for no good reason at all,

they provide you with an embed code so you can share the video on your busblog.

but when you use the code Viacom

for no good reason at all

blocks the video from being able to be played on your busblog.

several things happen when you do things like this, Viacom

the first is we continue in thinking that you dont know how to Internet.

the Internet is a Web. it’s many sites all sharing in information and linking to each other so as to spread the message.

the message on Sunday was MTV had many of the top female solo acts on one stage

(except for Adele, Kesha, Taylor Swift, Regina Spektor, PJ Harvey, and Banks)

the best way for that message to get spread is via social media, which blogging is still part of.

so when you provide a code to embed the video but then block it you seem bipolar and ridiculous.

sorta like when you stop showing videos on your music video network

but then go right ahead and continue to have music video awards each fall like nothing has changed.

the second thing we assume is you hate us. you dont want us to see Beyonce’s amazing performance.

we think that because, like was mentioned earlier, you tape delayed a Sunday “live” show to the West

and you make it hard for us to see today’s most fascinating and talented performers do her thing.

it give us the idea, Viacom, that you dont care about art or music, all you care about is beans.

the type you want to count. but you forget that the more beans you put out there

the more will be seen, and the more you can count.

but the worst thing you have done is you have played yourself.

and you have given an excuse to pirates to steal the signal that you have failed at protecting.

“stealing” a video transmission is easier today than ever before.

you are building a wall across the border but it is porous and ridiculous.

which makes you ridiculous.

and poor us, you are poor er.

we will see the video.

the mountain will move.

you will die.

and fail to reach paradise.

because what Saint will let you in to Heaven

after it is discovered that for a living you tried to block Queen Bey from her fans?

i pity you.

i pray for you.

you need to repent.

life is so full of tempation


what was i listening to the other day but the one guy was saying to the other guy

how do you deal with the voices in your head.

i dont have any voices. but i have options all the time. always have.

99% of the time i do the right thing.

this is why people go in to religion. we ALWAYS wanna do the right thing.

and we think if we lead a life of spirituality we will ensure that the number will stay perfect.

because we know that it’s the one time we do the wrong thing that will haunt us forever.

im not saying something super terrible like murdering someone or saying we’re gonna build a wall to keep people out of the country.

im saying bad things like taking the wrong girl to the weezer concert instead of the right girl.

or when youre at the drug store and someone left money in the change tray. you dont take it.

i dont take it. theres cameras everywhere. its always a trap.

so many things are traps. just be good. the kingdom of heaven is waiting.

for some of us sooner than others.

just be patient. just accept the good thats already in your life.

no need to be greedy like the ppl we all despise.

enjoy what you know is yours. what should be yours. that which was given freely to you.

shits got your name on it yours.

but avoid all the stuff that you know isnt yours. shouldnt be yours.

wouldnt be yours in a million years, so what makes you think its yours now/

uber had a bonus for certain drivers this weekend

east hollywood

pretty sure they could see from my diminished rides that i have been happily driving more and more for Lyft so they gave me a bonus challenge for this weekend: do 12 trips and get a bonus of $80.

Ask any driver and he would gladly accept a $6.66 tip for each ride, which is what this amounted to.

On Friday my real job let us out at 1pm so my goal on Friday was to do 7 rides (you always need to do one or two extra rides on your bonus weeks in case some bean counter wants to steal one of your beans) which meant Saturday I would need to do 7 (since Sunday is the Lord’s)

Friday was easy. At 2pm-5pm I was one of the few guys out there so I was busy. I could have done 12 easy but I needed to get back to Hollywood to get to the Cubs game. So I did 7.

Last night i got out there around 7pm. I wanted to catch some people going out to dinner, which are usually ppl i dont like driving cuz im jealz. Also the sun was setting so it wouldnt be too hot. And I figured I might be able to get home in time for some Netflix.

All I need is 7.

First ride, pick up this couple and they ask me to do the one thing I hate doing when I’m trying to hit a number “hi, could you make two stops, first me and then him?”

When you’re not trying to reach a goal the two stops are close together, when you’re trying to knock out as many trips as possible the two are soooo far away. Murphys Law. Whatever.

It looked like they had met on a blind date or Tinder or something and he was so not into her. 7:15pm and the night was already over? Yikes. So I didn’t say a word and let them sweat it out.

“So you’re on Instagram and not even talking to me?” she asked, smiling, trying to be happy.

“Pretty much,” he said, young handsome, being a dick.

Dropped her off near Sunset Pho, took him to the other side of Silver Lake. Coulda been worse. Didn’t say a word to him the whole time. 13 minutes total.

Six more.

Right away I get a pretty young lady near the Silver Lake 360 Whole Foods. Shes going downtown, naturally. But she’s nice. Little Southern Accent. The roads are empty but the freeway’s packed. Waze tells me to go through Elysian Park. Fine. She tells me she has lived in Silver Lake for about a year but never ever ever goes to downtown. I was like, live a little, baby.

We’re heading to Perch where exactly two years ago today Leah, Lindsay and Amber and I all went for a lovely dinner and drinks.

leah amber and lindsay16 minutes and we’re there. This night is gonna be great. OR SO I THINK.

Right by Perch I get dinged again. Awesome. Bonus, here I come! Young lady wants to go to Little Tokyo. Baby, who DOESNT wanna go to Little Tokyo. Totally forgettable conversation. Who cares. 6 minutes. DONE. Four more.

Get pinged again. A Select call (double the money). Thanks God! Get to the place. Busy street. People are honking. No one around. So I call. The guy says, we’re on Shaeffer Street. Aint no Shaeffer street in DTLA. Who knows what the guy is all about. Sounds like a freak. I ask for his address. I put it into Waze. Waze says, “this guy is a prankster, hang up.” I hang up, cancel him. Click the Wrong Address button and I get $7.50 because the dude didnt do it right. Sweet. Thanks!

So I drive around Little Tokyo and all the asian hipsters trying to get into that one noodle place thats over priced. I drive down Broadway, LA Live, anywhere I can. Nothing. Nothing for like a half hour. People are either in or DTLA is now packed with toooo many Ubers.

I drive to screwed up parts of town. Parts no Uber driver would be caught dead. But I aint ever gonna die. I’m gonna keep driving forever. With my arthrightous gloves on, my little bottles of water, and my extra battery cord that snakes back into the rear seats.

I dare you to ping me Skid Row. East LA where are you?

Finally a dude at the only grocery store in DTLA wants a ride to his loft. Him and his groceries. Perfecto! Five minute ride.

And this is where Uber drivers think the fix is in when it comes to bonuses. Some say Uber will stop sending calls our way when we are getting close. I think that’s insane. Their tech is so buggy,  how could they put a formulae in there so perfect so as to block drivers and make them stay on the road longer than they want simply to keep the surge rates down?

But alas, it was an HOUR before I got another call. And im driving around DTLA, Echo Park, anywhere.

Then the ping comes in. Weird guy in KTown. White dude. First thing he asks me is if I am a comedian.

“Have I told you any jokes yet?” I ask

“Nope.” he says.

“Do I amuse you?” I say.

Guy admits that he’s stoned and is on a Tinder date. He’s a weird guy. He’s going to a bar in Echo Park because he says he doesn’t know of any bars for white male dudes in Koreatown.

I say, you’re doing the right thing by going to Echo Park.

Drop him off. Pray that he doesn’t murder his date. And get a teen leaving a party who wants to go to Silver Lake, a place he has lived his whole life he tells me. Before we get to his house he asks me to drop him off at his high school. Perfectly normal looking clean cut white kid who wants to study stem cells in college.

If you are about to tag up your school, I didn’t see it, I joke.

I’m so close to my house and I am exactly on my number. But the rules of Uber, you have to go over or they’ll screw you.

Get an Uber Select ping at Blossom, my favorite Pho place. Beautiful brown princess of a girl gets in. Wants to go up in the hilly hills of Beverly Hills.

I turn on jazz.

She bats her lashes

And slowly falls asleep there as we wind our way down Sunset then Fountain

and then up to my dumb little goal.

Dodger fans, SMH

Dodger fans

Friday Todd and I went to the Cubs Dodgers game.

I splurged a bit and bought these $100 tickets in the Executive Level. The waiters come to your seat. The seats are cushioned. We were in the front row of the section. The bathrooms are nice.

We sat there for a few innings and some guy in a USC Keck Medical jacket says youre in my seats. Turns out we were one section over. He and his clan watch the game for maybe 3 innings and then in the top of the 6th leave.

Todd and I don’t notice it for about an inning, but they never come back.

The cliche about Dodger fans coming late and leaving early held true, even on a Friday night, even against the best team in baseball, even in a 1-run game. Even though the Dodgers are fighting to stay on top of the West.

It’s like, why are you buying these seats if you’re not going to actually sit in them?

Lets hope he had buddies in a better section or in a luxury suite, but i dont think so. There were many empty seats in the Executive Level and all over the stadium.

Maybe Ben Welch of the Times can investigate this weird, decades long, phenomena.

if i could start my life over id have been nicer to a few people

hard workerstarting with pretty much all of my girlfriends

next i would have tried harder to learn french and spanish

i would have been a computer programmer

i would have given up on sports sooner.

i would have joined the marching band earlier.

i would have kissed way more girls in high school.

i would have kissed pretty much every girl in college.

i would have finished more of the books that i started in my english classes.

i wouldn’t have given up on art at drawing, i would have learned how to really paint.

i would have never bought a drum set, instead i would have learned the guitar and piano.

would i have watched all the tv that i watched? yes.

i would have started reading the bible earlier.

i would have gotten into more fights in school.

once i moved to california i did pretty much everything right, except for the niceness to the girlfriends part.

i would have blogged even more in the beginning, if that is even possible.

i wouldnt have sold my Home Depot stock as early as i did.

but im glad i stayed with Blogger, Buzznet, and LAist for as long as i did.

and im glad i kept it as real as possible along the way.

i should have quit selling tvs at sears though, before they fired me.

the cincinnati zoo killed its twitter just like they killed Harambe

cincy zooeven though i have been doing social media for a long time, i dont fancy myself as an expert.

sure there are some who call themselves Social Media Gurus but i have always thought that was a not-so-subtle way to belittle the profession by not equating it to what other people do in similar jobs.

i prefer Social Media Editor or Social Media Director.

or in my case, Prince of Darkness.

which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo, who you may know as the establishment that found its way into the news cycle in May of this year when a 3-year-old child ended up in the cage of a giant gorilla named Harambe.

all the photos and videos showed the gorilla being kind to the little kid as he dragged him toward a moat. within minutes, zoo officials shot and killed the gorilla.

the child was found to be unhurt. and the internet erupted in anger and sadness at the zoo for killing the beautiful animal who did nothing wrong.  over a half million signatures were gathered in days demanding Justice for Harambe. donations were raised for the family of the child but the family re-directed them to the zoo.

which brings us to the Cincinnati Zoo’s Twitter account which has been the target of Harambe fans, particularly young fans who couldnt give a crap about Clinton or Trump but who care very much about the dead gorilla who was executed because of a curious three year old whose parents looked the other way for a brief second.

over the last few months, any time the Zoo would post something on Twitter, the replies would quickly fly in to make it something about the dead ape.

if the zoo wrote about an Otter, fans would reply by tweeting “Harambe loved otters”.

repliesif the zoo tweeted about a weasel, the Twitterverse would reply by stating how much Harambe fucking adored all of his rodent friends.

at one point the Zoo had enough and pleaded for the madness to end, but you can’t tell the Internet what to do any more than you can tell a gorilla not to eat a banana.

so today the Zoo did the absolute worst thing it could do in this situation,

they decided to delete the troublesome Twitter account.

and the response was predictably brilliant.

“the @CincinnatiZoo killed its Twitter, just like how they killed Harambe,” the kids tweeted.

some are taking it a step further by writing

“the @CincinnatiZoo just Harambed their Twitter just like how they Harambed Harambe.”

because this world is so complex and confusing, it’s hard to really KNOW anything.

but one thing we know for sure is Harambe loved Twitter especially the Cincinnati Zoo’s twitter account because that was the first place to feature him.

and even though i’m no expert, even i know you don’t delete your account because people are interacting with you. Interaction is what it’s all about! if you were a sailor on a sailboat and all of a sudden there’s a lot of wind you don’t stop sailing. You sail faster! You thank the Lord for the wind and you zip around that ocean like crazy.

what the kids were doing was loving one of your animals. Let them do it! Include them! Join in the weird mourning. Make every other post about how much Harambe loved weasels and goats and giraffes and tiger sharks.

don’t quit.

not even donald trump quits.

never quit!

did Harambe quit?!

we were put on this crust to rock. in some cases we were put here to rock out with our cocks out. or in this case we celebrate by saying #DicksOutForHarambe

which is Latin for #WeMissYouBub

(Harambe loved Latin)

so in summary, stop killing zoo animals and stop deleting your social media feeds no matter who tweets at you.

all they’re doing is expressing love.