Monthly Archives: January 2017

today Ben got married

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today LA’s favorite son, Ben Sullivan, founder of ScienceBlog.com, soup kitchen hander outer, and all around great guy, got married to equally wonderful Soomi.

a few weeks ago they took me out to dinner and asked me if i would “speak” at the pre-wedding celebration which was held last night in Kim n Os’s backyard of children and swimming pools. they said i would be the MC of the event which would also include live music from our friends, delicious tacos, and so much booze and friends from literally around the world.

it was a super special night. the Lord kept the rain from coming down and inspired me to write something that everyone said was good. It was both a tough crowd because they are all amazingly talented writers and an easy crowd because they had been drinking for a good hour before i got the Mr. Microphone.

here’s a transcript of my sermon/speech/toast thing

Love love love love love
All you need is love
Love is a battlefield
Love is an elevator
There’s ups, theres downs. The doors slide open to a new floor, you roam around and you get lost on it. Alone.
But if you’re lucky either a door opens or you have the courage to knock on one.
And magic happens.  Love!
And changes everything.
You can’t sleep, theres a skip in your step, you’re suddenly singing along to the radio.
Your fruit punch soda tastes bubblier
Your burritos taste guacamolier.
Even the birds in the trees and the barking dogs in the alley seem to be saying fuck yeah buddies.
Fuck yeah.
We are in this beautiful backyard tonight to celebrate the bubblier fruit punch soda that is Soomi and Ben.
We are the birds in the trees who will always be around them as more than just witnesses — but as supporters
And inspiration, and quiet protection for their special union.
Not that it’s needed, but because we love them and are inspired ourselves.
Soomi comes to us from Jin Hay Goo, South Korea in the Dirty South Eastern part of the proud country.
Jin Hay is known for it’s 10-day Blossom Festival in the Spring when all the pretty girls of town go out to the square with cute little bouquets of blossoms and call out
Ben?
Ben?
Ben?
Which, weirdly, is Korean for Tony.
Recently the neighboring cities of Changwon and Masan joined Jin Hay to make a bigger, stronger city
and in a way that’s whats happening here.
Benjamin J. Sullivan was born in Staten Island, NY
true story
He came to California to sing for Guns n Roses but when he saw Axl in person he was all ok all right.
But he continued his love of music.
The other day I asked Ben if there was any song that reminded him of his fiancee? He said Either Cindy Laupler’s True Colors or Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
He continued:
Which coincidentally both involve colors. Which may be because “the world before Soomi went from a perfectly acceptable but somewhat muted sepiatone to one that is so much richer and bright, and, well, what’s the synonym for colorful? Whatever it is: that.”
A few days after that I asked Soomi when did she first have the hots for Ben?
She said on their third date – somebody was counting – they went to a dinner theater. Dinner Theater? BEN!
But it was very funny, reportedly, and she was laughing and he was laughing and she looked at him and saw his eyes wrinkled and thought it was adorable.
Ben says that the thing he loves most about Soomi is her “open heart to others.
“Those who obviously need it, like the lonely neighbor, or men and women on Skid Row, or the less obvious who need it but whom she can just tell.”
We all know Ben also has a huge heart, the longtime president of the nicest guy in america competition,
Soomi says she fell for Ben in an unusual but beautiful way.
“I sent him a paper my friend had just published on the economics of microbial trade.”
I had to Google it too. It broke Google.
But Soomi said, “Ben wrote me back and said ‘when you send me things like this it makes me recognize that I’m more than a little bit in love with you.”
And she said at that point she couldn’t deny that she was in love with him too.
Last August they were on vacation. They were going to a fancy seafood restaurant in Carlsbad.
Soomi said, “He insisted on putting on a coat. When we left the hotel, he was obviously so nervous that he could not make any eye contact with me. So I knew it was probably coming, so I thought I would stay cool up until the time comes.”
But when he popped the question she was totally overwhelmed.
Awwwwww.
Here’s to their champagne always tasting bubblier.

a timeline of Donald Trump lying about releases his taxes

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the president of the United States, Donald Trump is a big fat liar. Especially when it comes to releasing his taxes.

Here’s how it went down:

MSNBC – 2014

“If I decide to run for office I’ll produce my tax returns. Absolutely,” he said.

Meet The Press 1/24/16

“We’re working on that now. I have big returns, as you know, and I have everything all approved and very beautiful and we’ll be working that over in the next period of time,” he says, using words that no one would ever be able to pin him to.

“This is not, like, a normal tax return,” he, like, brags, but then admits something most politicians should be shameful about. “I try to pay as little tax as possible because I hate what they do with my tax money.”

GOP Debate, Houston 2/25/16

“As far as my return, I want to file it, except for many years, I’ve been audited every year,” Trump says. “Twelve years or something like that. Every year, they audit me, audit me, audit me… I will absolutely give my return, but I’m being audited now for two or three [years’ worth] now so I can’t.”

IRS Commissioner John Koskinen calls bullshit 2/26/16

“From our standpoint, if you’re being audited, and you want to do something else, share that information with your returns, you can do that,” Koskinen says, adding that if you are being audited for multiple years at a time, something is truly fishy with your taxes.

Trump says they probably won’t be revealed before the election 5/11/16

“There’s nothing to learn from them,” Trump told the AP. He also said he doesn’t believe voters are interested.

“Now, I hope [the audit] gets finished soon. And if it gets finished soon, I put it out immediately because there’s nothing there. But until you get finished, you won’t,” he said.

Good Morning America 5/13/16

George Stephanapaosdpfpiopilous asks him what his tax rate is.

“It’s none of your business, you’ll see it when I release. But I fight very hard to pay as little tax as possible,” Trump said.

“I don’t think [the people care], but I do say this: I will really gladly give them. They’re not going to learn anything, but it’s under routine audit,” Trump said. “You learn very little from tax returns.”

“I’ll tell you right now: I do not. I don’t have Swiss bank accounts, I don’t have offshore, I have a very, very clean company,” Trump said, which of course means he has several Swiss bank accounts, offshore, and a very dirty company. We know this because he has a serious problem being a dirty liar. Especially about his taxes.

Presidential Debate 9/26/16

Trump says he will release his taxes if Hillary releases the emails she deleted.

ABC This Week today/2017

His senior advisor, who earlier in the day defended lying, told the talk show, “the White House response is that he’s not going to release his tax returns,” Kellyanne Conway said.

“We litigated this all through the election. People didn’t care,” she said. “They voted for him, and let me make this very clear: Most Americans are very focused on what their tax returns will look like while President Trump is in office, not what his look like.”

Oh really, Kellyanne? Currently there is a petition with over 100,000 signatures of Americans who think he should release his taxes. Not since 1972 has a presidential candidate refused to reveal his taxes.

I did try and fuck her.

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She was married. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. I’ve gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything… Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.

are the russians hacking the mobile site?

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da!

do i care?

na!

why not?

because life is fleeting, our moments are precious.

this is all a dress rehearsal for heaven

this is why you have to learn to breakdance

no other planet in the universe has The Robot or slam dancing or The Moonwalk

how do i know this? BECAUSE I KNOW THINGS!

so when we get to Heaven and we meet some cute girls from Planet Zip

the best ways that we are going to impress them is not by talking

but by doing the Worm.

if you think girls on Earth like a man who can dance, just wait till you start doing your thing in front of a couple of girls from Zip, and then bust into the Robot — look out is all i gotta say.

Look out.

so fuck the Russians. Fuck what they’re doing to the World Famous. fuck what plans theyve got. fuck why theyre doing it.

we are from Earth. unlike some of our leaders, we have thick skin. we can accept the body blow body blow body blow upper cut.

we know how to do the damn thing and we will do the damn thing. thats why people love us. thats why we love us.

thats why God blessed us with the Internet.

because we could handle it and make art with it.

and kiss it right in the mouth.

which is what my advice is to you about your problems: french kiss those fuckers.

and if you want, wipe your hand with your sleeve after.

sometimes i wonder about republicans

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yesterday the senate held confirmation hearings with Betsy DeVos who has been nominated to be in charge of Education

she doesnt know anything about Financial Aid, student loans, the ongoing debate about whats the best way to teach kids, her family has donated millions to an organization that electrocutes gay kids in order to try to make them straight.

she thinks guns in schools are ok. she doesnt support the law that would make colleges less rapey – instead she thinks the victims and potential victims should do more themselves not to get raped.

i could go on, but while i watched a lot of this (it’s compelling to watch an extremely rich woman who inherited her fortune and then married a rich man tell Bernie Sanders, who asked her what she thought of his goal to make public colleges tuition free, “nothing in life is free”) i thought about the GOP members who told her and us that she would make a great Secretary of Education.

why? because she gave the GOP $20 million over the years? is that all it takes?

do some people really care about money so much that they are willing to put not just their children’s education at risk, but all the kids in America? ok maybe not all, the rich kids will be fine, but everyone else?

even Senators must realize that if a kid gets a bad education, and say, drops out, they are more likely to turn to crime and victimize others – even the rich. so it’s in everyone’s best interest to have smart kids in every neighborhood. they do realize this right? or are they paranoid that if brown kids get book learnin they’ll start calling bullshit on american bullshit, starting with the ruling class?

these are just some of the things i wonder about when during an oral exam the person is failing and yet half of the bystanders are all good job good job lets give her the power to rule over a trillion dollar loan program. even though she wants to pretend that shes not a VP in her mothers foundation.

the one that gives money to electrocuting gay kids.

and lies in the senate and says “it was a clerical error” that she was listed as a VP, for years

and years

and years.

when Deuce Bigelow, male gigolo tells you youre doing it wrong

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im a fortunate son. i have never written a bad tweet, been misunderstood, or said anything dumb.

but yesterday, on MLK Day, former SNL guy Rob Schneider used his thumbs in a way that made us realize that he’d be nowhere without Adam Sandler.

Twitter is funny that way. it gives people this false sense of security.

“it’s only 140 characters, as long as i don’t call someone a nigger or a cunt, what could possibly go wrong?”

i think the president elect also gives people this weird boost of confidence.

we see him bumbling and stumbling and stepping into all sorts of landmines, but it never affects him.

he just keeps slouching towards bethlehem

in that stupid hat

with those tiny hands.

people think, if Trump can get away with murder, maybe we all can.

maybe the deflector shields are down for everyone.

no. no. it’s just a big chunk of america who needs to be reminded every 10 years or so

that the GOP are liars and thieves who only care about one thing: how much cash can they grab while on this planet

and while they are currently drunk with power, that idiocy is contageous

thus Rob Schneider figures he could tweet at a man who marched next to Dr. King

back when Deuce was laying deuces in his diaper.

this too will pass.

like a kidney stone.

on a never ending winter night in Memphis.

i wanna say thats not joey ramone

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but that equipment looks like the real thing.

those are like four Marshall headers

but who’s that on guitar?

i ask because Joey’s neck looks suspicious

wasnt he always a twig?

even the hair looks like a wig.

was listening to end of the century for a while and now im on the clash sandinsta because its my least favorite class record

three albums of experimentation if you ask me

aint nothing wrong with trying things out

but

tonight i got an uber select call from a little mexican guy named juan

we talked about tacos when i saw we werent going very far away

i said ive been to england ive been to france but they aint got tacos. he told me i need to go to mexico city. i say so thats where the real deal is? he goes, no, you gotta go to the towns around it, especially in the south.

im like do they have chips there and good salsa? he goes yeah. i say whats your thing right now?

he goes i really like a good quesadea.

he’s all, youre not spelling it right.

i go, its not spelled queseda?

he laughs and says, its not spelled that either.

we were getting close to his house. huge craftsman right near pico and western. pretty much the house i wanna buy for zulekia and marry her and raise her kids at.

dropped him off and he paused, dug into his pants

now believe me when i tell you he looks exactly like a busboy and hes ordering mercedeses

and tipping!

gave me three bucks.

and i was like muchas gracias amigo. and he was all later!

today is martin luther king day

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it’s not his birthday, it’s his holiday.

even though it’s a federal holiday, not everyone gets it off.

but let me tell you something. progress is a slow and steady deal.

when my mother was born she couldn’t have imagined a lot of the social change that took place right in front of her eyes.

when she was a little girl she had to sit in the balcony at the movie. which doesnt sound so bad now – i love the balcony. but it sucked when you didn’t want to be up there.

you couldnt drink out of “white only” water fountains, you couldnt sit at the counter of the restaurant, you had to stand in different lines. in fact you couldnt even go to certain stores.

my parents met at an all-black college because even though there were state run colleges, even they were segregated, so even though blacks paid taxes they couldnt go to many of the state colleges where their tax dollars were being funneled to. they had to go to Historically Black Colleges (HBCs).

when i was born the picture above would have been reason enough to arrest me.

blacks were not allowed to marry whites for most of the 1960s and if a black man was seen kissing — or even looking at a white woman in public they could get beaten, harrassed, or even arrested.

just because of ones heritage.

it didnt matter if we were good people. it didnt matter if we were in love. it didnt matter if we would do anything for that person. all that mattered was one was white and one was black.

martin luther king jr fought all of that, peacefully, and all of the other things that blacks (and therefore whites) had to struggle with in regards to racism in the so-called Home of the Brave and land of the free.

this country had no idea what brave was until MLK showed up and epitomized it in so many ways.

America, before MLK, made progress through violence and other ways. how brave is it to give Native Americans blankets intentionally covered in germs intended to make them sick? how brave it is to trade beads for land? how brave it is to enslave people and stop them from being educated?

whats brave is fighting for your rights without fighting.

brave is literally turning the other cheek

over and over and over

until someone realizes

oh shit, this isn’t what this country is supposed to be like.

this isn’t what life is supposed to be like.

MLK brought us into modern times

but his work is clearly not over yet.

it is up to us to be brave.

fortunately, this is still brave’s home.

act like it.