for example kirsten dunst is one of my favorite actresses and sofia coppola is one of my favorite directors and i love marie antoinette

but last night for some reason i was fact checking it and trying to determine if she really did say “let them eat cake” or not and the more i learned about the Last Queen of France the more i realized coppola’s movie didn’t really tell us the whole thing.

for starters, marie was 14 when she got hitched to the Heir Apparent of France

FOURTEEN!

you can’t cast 30something kirsten dunst in a movie about a 14 year old.

also, in the coppola movie we are led to believe that her 15 yr old hubby is gay or something and thats why he doesnt wanna have sex with her.

but according to the internet, he had some weird disease that prevented him from getting erect. so he probably shied away from activity where he would have to reveal his mighty sword.

legend has it that her mom summoned her older brother to move to France to coach the young pair about the ways of being in a loving relationship and voila a year later marie was knocked up. everyone praises her brother for setting the two straight. but in truth it was a medicinal cure that allowed the future king to become the man everyone hoped he would be.

but that medicine also made him very sleepy at night, which is when marie would sneak off and party into dawn – or noon depending on how good the soiree was.

am i crazy to think that these are facts that would make for a better film? and what about her trial, the one that led her to get her head cut off. the trial where she was falsely accused of having incest? shouldn’t that have been a huge part of the movie? do i have to do everything? do i have to find a 14 year old actress (or a young looking 16 year old) to play the role?

then what am i supposed to do about the bible? can i really turn it all into Black Mirror episodes? i havent read any of the books about screenwriting yet. how am i supposed to be a screenwriter unless i learn?

all im gonna be is an uber driver, lets face it. it’s the one thing im actually good at.

and theres no shame in that, not everyones good at even that. my coworker said her driver dozed off for a brief second at a stop light.

id never do that. nor have i. its why God created classic Coke.

but what if i doze off before i fix cinema?

then what?